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4/22/2019 5:32:20 PM
Posted: 8/16/2006 8:42:02 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/16/2006 9:39:55 AM EDT
You can't try to go this alone. There are some good books out there that may help break the ice while you find an experienced police counselor to go to. My wife liked the book, "I love a Cop".
Try that to start, but you will have to seek some couples therapy with someone that understands police culture.
Link Posted: 8/16/2006 9:54:19 AM EDT

Originally Posted By lostwildcat:
and wanted you to quit the business...?

my wife is flipping out. she thinks i'm going to die.

i've tried to tell her people die all the time, car wrecks, four-wheeler accidents, drown in the lake, etc etc she wont buy it.

i wasnt in LE when we met and got married. she knew i always wanted to though. I joined our Sheriff's reserves about a year ago and now everything is going to hell.

any thoughts would be appreciated, i've got 5/12 months in the academy done, i really dont want to quit. i dont want a divorce either...


Eventually she will come around. It may take her sometime for her to get used to you being a police officer but she will. I had to get used to my hubby going to Iraq for a year and I am finally getting used to the idea. I may not lie it but I will support him and be here for him when he comes home. Has she had a chance to talk to anyone who has been there a while and see how their family handeled it. It helps ne to talk to others about the situtation that concerns me because they can shed some light on it that maybe she isn't hearing from you. If that doesn't work then in order to keep your marriage together you will need to hear her out and try to explain things to her that concern her. She wants to support you but is afraid of what may happen so you need to support her in her feelings too. If that doesn't work then maybe a counselor will help to aly things outs so she will listen and feel better about the whole thing. It will be hard though so brace yourself.
Link Posted: 8/16/2006 10:18:33 AM EDT
dude, mayby you should have told her poeple DON'T DIE all the time.
But seriously, hook her up with some other wives to talk.
Link Posted: 8/16/2006 10:45:48 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/16/2006 12:03:25 PM EDT
She has other issues besides your job title. She's using the "you might be killed" line however, as it seems like the most dramatic thing she can say to convince you to quit. Tell her you want to continue the job and if you were to quit because of her that you would resent her for it the rest of your life. And since you don't want to resent her, you will not quit. Arrange for some of the other guys' wives to sit her down & talk to her.
Link Posted: 8/16/2006 4:55:33 PM EDT

Originally Posted By rifle-cop624:
... "I love a Cop".
Try that to start, but you will have to seek some couples therapy with someone that understands police culture.



good book.
might need the therapy too.
might just need to quit...marriage is, to me at least, sacrosanct.
the flood of assholes is relentless, your wife's nerves may not be.
perhaps a ride-along for her may help?


i wish you luck.
Link Posted: 8/16/2006 6:38:40 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/16/2006 7:18:45 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/17/2006 4:23:29 AM EDT
My wife used be worried, I had to call even if I was going to be a few minutes late. Last night I advised her that I was going to be late as I had to buy some guns and crack off of a gangbanger, her reply was mundane and VERY unconcerned. They get adjusted to the job, just like you will.
Link Posted: 8/17/2006 5:19:29 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/17/2006 5:19:54 AM EDT by Kujoe]
My wife and I go through this occasionally. The important thing to do is to listen to her. Convincing her is not going to work, you need to understand why she is upset and then attempt to enlighten her to see your side of it. Marriage always has two sides.

We have a great counceling service with our department that is free of charge. Look into it and see if your dept. has the same options.

Find out if your supposed "dying" is really what is behind her being upset. There may be something else there that she is afraid of. At first, my wife was upset that I would never be home to spend time with the family... I am able to spend more time at home than I could in private life.

Speak with the Chaplain for your Dept. They may have some advise.

See other police wives that can help to re-assure her.

Lastly, remember this. The divorce rate for police families is VERY high, in the 80% region. Her showing concern is also showing that she loves you, not that she wants to prevent you from doing something. Show that you care about how she feels. Help her to understand that this is something that you have a calling to do and that you want to help her to be comfortable with it. Ask her if she has any suggestions about how you can help her to understand and deal with the situation (other than the easy way out.)

After you have exhausted all your resources, and it still does not work, you need to quit. Your wife IS your life.
Link Posted: 8/17/2006 8:11:31 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Kujoe:
The divorce rate for police families is VERY high, in the 80% region.


I looked left and I looked right....are you sure this number isn't a little low? Seems that there are more than that.
Link Posted: 8/17/2006 8:21:23 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Ocorvo:

Originally Posted By Kujoe:
The divorce rate for police families is VERY high, in the 80% region.


I looked left and I looked right....are you sure this number isn't a little low? Seems that there are more than that.


I was being conservative in my estimate.
Link Posted: 8/17/2006 9:06:41 AM EDT
I'm assuming that you are doing a part-time academy (evenings and weekends)?
She may be resentful of all of the time that you are spending with your new avocation....and using the "you might die!!!" line as something to guilt you into quitting and spending more time with her.

Tell her that you need her to bear with you while you go through your training and that if you see that it is taking too much time away from her and the family or that it is too dangerous you will consider the possibility of quitting. Just be firm that you WILL complete the training.

My wile used to worry a little bit and even somewhat resented the change in our lives when I decided to become a LEO. She has gotten used to it and even admits that she is proud of what I do. She doesn't want me to call her if I'm going to be late. She says that when the phone rings late at night she worries that it's going to be bad news....
Link Posted: 8/17/2006 1:08:26 PM EDT

.... Your wife IS your life.


My .02 is 100% disagreement with this statement. You need to do things for yourself, you need to be able to do the things that you want to do, or you WILL grow to hate her for it. After you've given up the academy and quit, and are standing in a factory every day hating life, you will, you WILL make it the cause and effect of most disagreements... the resentment will grow and grow until you give up on the marriage ... and then, you're divorced with no cop job and STILL unhappy with your current job.

I am not bashing on women here at all, I would give the same advice to a woman who has a husband that doesn't like her in LE. There are many other issues to being a cop that don't go over well....infidelity, long hours, sudden shift changes, holding over unexpectedly, constant political BS, etc.... There are 100 reasons that she could realistically not want you to be a cop. I could walk out of the house right now and get struck by a piece of ice that fell off a jetliner at 35K feet ... the randomness of violence in LE is such that if you spend all of your life worrying about it, it will consume you (or her in this case) and she will cling to your ankle on your way out the door.

In my opinion, she either supports you and finds a way to deal with it, or you're going to have problems down the road again... A cop counselor, ok...probably good...other cop wives that don't have axes to grind, probably better.

Keep the scanners out of the house when you're working, be very general when talking about work when you get home (if you do at all) and don't talk about bad calls that could've gone worse but luck interjected.

Bring on the flames, back later.

VJ
Link Posted: 8/18/2006 7:00:23 AM EDT

Originally Posted By V_Johnson:

.... Your wife IS your life.


My .02 is 100% disagreement with this statement. You need to do things for yourself, you need to be able to do the things that you want to do, or you WILL grow to hate her for it. After you've given up the academy and quit, and are standing in a factory every day hating life, you will, you WILL make it the cause and effect of most disagreements... the resentment will grow and grow until you give up on the marriage ... and then, you're divorced with no cop job and STILL unhappy with your current job.

I am not bashing on women here at all, I would give the same advice to a woman who has a husband that doesn't like her in LE. There are many other issues to being a cop that don't go over well....infidelity, long hours, sudden shift changes, holding over unexpectedly, constant political BS, etc.... There are 100 reasons that she could realistically not want you to be a cop. I could walk out of the house right now and get struck by a piece of ice that fell off a jetliner at 35K feet ... the randomness of violence in LE is such that if you spend all of your life worrying about it, it will consume you (or her in this case) and she will cling to your ankle on your way out the door.

In my opinion, she either supports you and finds a way to deal with it, or you're going to have problems down the road again... A cop counselor, ok...probably good...other cop wives that don't have axes to grind, probably better.

Keep the scanners out of the house when you're working, be very general when talking about work when you get home (if you do at all) and don't talk about bad calls that could've gone worse but luck interjected.

Bring on the flames, back later.

VJ


Fortunately we disagree in this respect. Marriage is a union. Two function as one. When one is sick, so is the other. When you decide to made the commitment to be married, you also, hopefully, take on the life to live for each other, making a SELFLESS commitment to the other. Selfishness has little place in a healthy marriage. If you disagree, you compromise. Compromise and communication is the key to longevity.

If you wish to take a hardline on everything.... go at it alone and don't make someone else's life miserable in your wake.
Link Posted: 8/18/2006 7:12:46 AM EDT
I'll agree to disagree with you.... no sweat. I don't disagree with compromise, but I also believe that giving up something that impacts you every day is something that will cause you lifelong problems in the end. Resentment is one of those feelings that you can't really control.

VJ
Link Posted: 8/18/2006 3:30:38 PM EDT
Good luck.

BTDT.
Link Posted: 8/19/2006 8:12:37 AM EDT
There is a website that she can go to. I don't think posting it here will violate the TOS.

It is www.policewives.org - be sure and type in .org, because .com is a porn site!!!!

My wife is a member, and it helps her deal with the stress.
Link Posted: 8/23/2006 6:41:47 PM EDT
What does your wife do for a living? Mine used to work on the looney bin floor of a hospital and would do all kinds of stupid things like care for patients that were considered to be a high risk of having STDs. So after they slit their wrists or something, she rushes to the rescue and then waits about an hour and a half before going down to the ER to get checked out for any infections that she might have gotten while caring for said loney. Afterward, she would flip out at the fact that I flipped out because she waited so long to get checked out. Bottom line, women are driven by emotions.
Link Posted: 8/23/2006 6:58:35 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/23/2006 7:03:29 PM EDT by TheLooseCannon]
i used to constantly worry but i know this is probably going to come out wrong but theres no other way of saying it, its part of the job.......and thats dying in the line of duty.....i didnt really think about it when i dated my last 2 (and actually only 2) boyfriends because had something did happen (god forbid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i know they died doing what they did best and doing what they loved........i hate to use the analogy and keep bring it to light but after 30 something funerals for 9-11, i looked at it as, like i said, they died doing something they loved and out of bravery.

the more she worries shell just keep making herself sicker and sicker. she should be blessed to have a police officer as a husband because he is being her hero along with the lives of many people he encounters.

another member posted it already but deff have her run a google search on police wives because shes not the only one out there who has these feelings, we all do


ETA:

also, in my myspace profile, i have a prayer (because my recent ex was also a cop and i just never took it out) about "loving a police officer" i dont remember where i got it from but when i read it i fell in love and actually put alot of fears to rest....



Watching my love put on his uniform,
I catch the glint off the badge which adorns.
Checking his gun, adjusting his belt,
Anguish begins to build like the other nights I've felt.
I know his job is to protect and to serve,
And my mind knows good men are what the force deserves.
But selfishness enters with matters of the heart and so why him?
To put his life on the line for so many unappreciative women and men.
But that one difference is all he wants to make,
From easing some abuse to giving a lucky motorist a break.
So when his hand reaches for the door to begin his night,
Only God knows what will be his plight.
I can only hope he knows of all my love,
And in another breath say a prayer to God above
Keep him safe as well as his other fellow brothers
May they all return to their wives, husbands, and mothers.
But in the night I know a siren will wail,
For the call of duty will always prevail.
Injustice seems to need no rest or sleep,
But instead constantly lurks in the shadows deep.
Nothing matches the feeling at the end of his work day,
When he reaches out to touch me in the bed where I lay.
Peace reaches my soul and I thank God again
For bringing my love safely back to me, our family, and friends
Link Posted: 8/23/2006 8:08:33 PM EDT
My wife is my greatest supporter in my police career. I became a police officer at age 30 after working in the freaking newspaper business. We were dating when I started to show an interest in police work. It took me a couple of years to get on my local department of 130 officers. My oral board was the three days before my wedding. I had to wait out a hiring freeze and then I got the job.

She was a little nervous when I started the night shift and was assigned to the worst part of our city. I was put there by my sergeant who recognized I was high energy and was not afraid to "kick butt and take names" (his words.)

I had her do a ride-along with a friend of mine on the dept. I did not want her riding with me the first time. She was able to see me dive into a pile of people fighting and come out with two people cuffed face down. I take her shooting often, and she sees my handiwork with a .45.

We were at a Bible study at our church last year. A woman there asked her if she ever worried about me. She said, "No, he can take care of himself." I was so proud of her.

It should be noted my wife has a healthy interest in my job but is not a badge groupie. We met when I was in the private sector. She is a housewife but a former teacher.

You also need to learn how to turn off cop mode when at home. I always carry off duty when out and about, but being a caring husband and father is priority No. 1 at home.

mk
Link Posted: 8/24/2006 10:42:42 AM EDT
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