Like you, I'm a shy and misunderstood megabucks narcissist who was publicly ridiculed for both a sexual indiscretion and a humiliating video (in my case, both at the same time). And like you, I find it sweet and charming to share my bed with friends who happen to be male. And who happen to have erections.
But Michael, contrary to what the other silver-spoon debutant slutcakes in town say, I'm not "easy." I don't go all the way with a boy till I know him really well, like for at least sixteen minutes. And then we only go all the way in three or four different positions. And I don't sleep with every boy who smiles my way. Just the ones with free blow. Yet now my once virginal public image has been soiled by the tabloids and late-night comics, and it's making it real hard for me to show my face at my friends' ecstasy orgies in the Hamptons. What's a young nymphet to do?
Signed,the all-American hotel-heiress-cum-socialite-cum-model-cum-actress-cum-cum-bucket Dear Ms. All-American...Bucket next door,
I really identify with what you must be feeling. I also once had a friend of the opposite sex who tried to take advantage of me. But I just said, "No Tatum! I don't think of you that way. Now put those breasts back where they belong!" Not that I'm against mixed gender sex; I personally believe that the physical expression of love between consenting adults is a sweet, charming thing. (If a consenting adult is not an option, then the written consent of a parent or legal guardian sometimes works, too. Sometimes.)
About the "humiliating video," which of mine are you referring to? The secret private jet video of me putting on eyeliner while browbeating my lawyer? The BBC documentary? Or my latest unreleasable music video? In any case, I’m sure your video was just as sweet and charming as you make it sound.
In terms of the tabloids and late-night comics, my advice is to ignore them. If you pay no attention to them, they'll soon stop talking about you and writing about you and publishing your mug shots and printing sealed court documents about you. At least that works for me. Granted, it only seems to work for a day or two at a time. No, strike that--barely a day at a time. In fact, it only works between the hours of 3:56 a.m. and 4:02 a.m., and then just when you're locked in a hotel penthouse in Germany hiding under the covers. But under the covers is where I do some of my best work, if you get my drift. Heh heh. So chin up, sista! As my publicist always says, “this too shall pass or be hushed up with huge sums of money.”