"A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, `Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but
I don't know where I am.' The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
`You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground
elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97
minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west
longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, `You must be a Republican.'

`I am,' replied the man. `How did you know?'

`Well,' answered the balloonist, `everything you have told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to
me.'

The man smiled and said, `You must be a Democrat.'

`I am,' replied the balloonist. `How did you know?'

`Well,' said the man, `you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to
solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before
we met but, somehow, it's my fault.'"

A baby seal walks into a club ...

I have a rooster and you have a donkey.



Your donkey walks over to my rooster and bites off his feet and eats them.





now what do you have????
two feet of my cock in your ass.

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1.      Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2.      Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3.      Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4.      Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5.      Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6.      Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7.      At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8.      Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9.      Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Quoted: I have a rooster and you have a donkey. Your donkey walks over to my rooster and bites off his feet and eats them. now what do you have???? two feet of my cock in your ass.

SHIT that was funny.... I'm at the tech desk at college... i think they'll like this one!


- BG

how do you get 100 babies into a bucket?



a cusinart





how do you get them out?




tortilla chips!

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Quoted: I have a rooster and you have a donkey. Your donkey walks over to my rooster and bites off his feet and eats them. now what do you have???? two feet of my cock in your ass.

That

Was not

Funny


Jokes only this thread please!

A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two peanuts walk into a bar.  One was a salted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should already be open when she brings it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.
-------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.  It's called Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Marriage is a 3-ring circus:  Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:
"I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
------------------------------------------------------------

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful !

Donna, Donna, Donna

Got this one in email today..

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads


cheese sandwich $1.50
chicken sandwich $2.50
hand job $10.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons one of the 3 exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an
eager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

" I was wondering" whispers the man "are you the one who gives the hand
jobs?" "Yes", she purrs "Indeed I am"

The man replies"Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich"

Quoted: Donna, Donna, Donna

Q: If a tree falls on an atheist in the woods, does it make a sound??

A: Only the atheist screaming "Oh, God, no..."



This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."



A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

....LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

..........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?



Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for
a drink, I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought
it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I
promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation
was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more
intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant
and he was still acting a bit funny, so I tried to cheer him up and
started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him,
and he said no but I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the
way back home I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he
didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We
finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave
me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV and
sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say 'its all over
between us'. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed, then after about
10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise he responded to my
advances and we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to
sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think
he is seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.

His side of the story:
England lost. Got a shag though.




Snobby Passenger  
 
Totally off the record... I worked at an airline and this story was
kept hush hush because we all loved these two flight attendants and
no one wanted them fired.

A few years ago, a flight was oversold in first class so an Arabian
man was informed (apologetically) that we'd have to seat him in
coach. He got plenty of free air miles and the gate agents tried very
hard to be civil with him since he was throwing an absolute fit about
it regardless.

He was seated in the first row of coach so that he would have plenty
of room to stretch out and the gate agents told the flight attendant
that he was extremely bitter and just don't take any more of his
crap--he's gotten enough freebies and they were about to kick him off
the flight anyways.

Later the FA's came around with a beverage service--he is first to be
served and gets a coffee. When the FA was halfway through her
passengers, the man began ringing his call button repeatedly--almost
like an alarm (which at first freaked out the flight attendants until
they realized what he was doing.)

She approached him and he said, "I want another cup of coffee." She
replied, "Don't you think I should serve everyone else a beverage
before I come around with seconds, sir?" Well he got ticked off and
growled, "I want another cup of coffee!"

She didn't feel like arguing and began pouring another cup for him
when he turned to her and said, "You know, in my country, you would
be a slave!" To which she retorted, "Well in my country, you would be
a cab driver!!!!"