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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:52:04 AM EDT
Normally I don't post in the women's forum, but I figured this would be amusing to the ladies (crossposted from GD)...
Last night, I was busy on the laptop PC, while my 10 year old son was watching some Discovery channel shark special. I didn't even pay attention, but apparently a Levitra commercial came on. Next thing I know, I get this question: "Dad? What's 'ED' mean?"  Now we've had a rudimentary discussion about the birds and the bees back around December, which was another gem of a moment. We were talking about the nativity story and Mary, and he asks "What's the big deal about Mary being a vrigin? What's a 'virgin' anyway?" After I choked, my wife gave him a rough idea of "how the sperm gets in the mommy's tummy." The look on his face was priceless after he took it all in. In true (at that time) 9 year old fashion, he makes a face and goes "THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Back to last night... He already had a rough idea, so I asked him "are you sure you wanna know?" and gave him a little more detail about certain things that are a 'pre-requirement' to the whole penis-in-the-vagina thing. I was rather proud of myself, and gave him a short talk about puberty and such, telling him that it won't seems quite so "disgusting" when he hits it. Whew. Glad that's over. So I'm back to hacking away on the computer, when apparently a Flonase commercial comes on 2 MINUTES AFTER THE LEVITRA ONE, and I get this gem: "Dad? What's reduced sperm output?"  Who the hell listens to the fine print on drug advertisements anyway? JEEZ!!!! And why is there reduced sperm output with a stupid allergy medicine anyhow? Away I go with another (much shorter, much more clinical) description. Then I told him "No more shark documentaries. Watch Spongebob or something." So this morning, I'm putting on my shoes to get ready for work, and in the background the new "KY Intrigue Personal Lubricant" commercial comes on. I just start laughing like a maniac, and my son looks at me and yells: "I'M NOT ASKING! EWWWW!" Way to go, stupid drug commercials... |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:21:54 AM EDT
[#1]
Ahhhh, the memories of parenthood!! As a single mom of three boys, I am sure you can understand my dismay when my then 1st grade oldest son said to me "Kyle is gonna sleep with Stacy next week. If he likes it then I am gonna sleep with her too." First I catch my breath, then I stop myself from slapping him even more senseless than he apparently already was. After taking a deep breath I ask him "Really, do you think you are ready to do all that stuff?" He looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes the size of dinner plates and says "What stuff?"
"Well, first you have to hold her hand for a while, then you have to talk nice to her and when she tells you it is okay then you can kiss her, and then . . . ." "WHAT?!?!?! I AIN'T KISSIN' NO GIRL!!!" Ahhh, the joys of motherhood. "Well, you can't sleep with her unless you kiss her first. That is just the way it works." I can see the gears turning fast and furious, but he doesn't say anything else so I just let it be. A couple of weeks later I ask how Stacy is and if Kyle slept with her. Bill says to me "Oh, God, no mom, what in the world would he ever want to kiss a girl for?" This same child comes to me in the second grade and informs me that he is never gonna use a condom. WHAT? HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CONDOMS? Kyle (our best friend, oh joy) found some condoms in his teenage sister's room and brought the to school. (Why couldn't he have just brought a gun, guns I know how to talk about!!  ) Ok, I'll bite. "Why wouldn't you use a condom?" I ask. "They're too slippery." he says. I start laughing hysterically, confident in my heart that my oldest son is going to die a virgin. He just looked at me with that look and shook his head and walked away. Now that he is 25, married and has a set of triplets (all boys) and a daughter, he often wonders why I didn't just give him and his brothers to the first gypsies that came by. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:36:31 AM EDT
[#2]
I can't wait until my 7 year old daughter becomes "aware". Really. I. Can't. WAIT...
I think I'm gonna handle it the way most men have done through the ages, I think. "Sweetie? Go ask your mom about that stuff, OK?" |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:08:34 AM EDT
[#3]
 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 12:00:57 PM EDT
[#4]
Oh, babe, I will pray for you -- HARD!!! There is a reason God gave me only boys! I firmly believe that anyone who has girls either are really, really special people or were really, really bad when they were younger!! 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 12:07:59 PM EDT
[#5]
Oh boy. Girl #3 is arriving in a week and a half. 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 1:31:51 PM EDT
[#6]
Oh god I was laughing my ass off on this one. Sorry.  Brought back flashbacks to when son was younger. I made hubby have that talk with him.
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Posted: 8/10/2007 5:41:45 PM EDT
[#7]
bwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:46:39 PM EDT
[#8]
Yup that age from about 15 to 18/19. Mine had to grow up quick while he was in Iraq, but for a few of his high school years Dad had to play DI with him. He is definately human again. 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:28:38 PM EDT
[#9]
This reminds me of the movie "BIG" with Tom Hanks. "all right but I get to be on top"
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Posted: 8/11/2007 3:05:32 AM EDT
[#10]
I am so fucked when I have kids
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Posted: 8/11/2007 4:06:20 AM EDT
[#11]
Good thing I put down my coffee cup before reading this one!
In Kindergarten my son was asked to draw a picture of his Mom. Imagine my surprise when my sons came home with the usually blob body figure w/ sticks for arms and legs and breasts! Yes, two correctly placed circles with dots in the centers. I was so afraid I was going to get a call from the teacher! When he was 9, I got the question what is a tampon? Darn commercials on tv that show them being used to plug up a hole in the boat! I gave a short answer with not too much information and he went away okay that it was nothing he would be using. At age 10, he was more observant and was concerned with why his 13 year old sister bleeds once a month. I decided this one required more details of the cycle women go through and why. In which he replied "Okay, stop - TMI" (too much information) and departed quickly with his face in a scrunched up look of disgust!" I can only imagine what I am in for over the next few years! It is nice to know I am not alone! |
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Posted: 8/11/2007 10:53:54 AM EDT
[#12]
 Well here is my heart breaker. 10 yrs old Cute as can be and a good kid. they went back to school Thursday and he came home with 18 love notes from a girl. And that was just the first day. He has asked about condoms but it was because the 12 year old sister unit has been asking questions. She only asks when I am driving or in the tub. No escaping. First day of school he came home and the ONLY thing he remembered is that he will get to see THE PUBERTY movie at the end of fifth grade. He has Tourettes so in a way I am glad the kids like him so much. Just have to watch because he is easily led. And the difference in girls and boys is massive. My daughter really wasn't all that tuned into the boy thing up until about May of this year and now all I hear is who is going with whom. I ask her exactly where they think they are going? And I tell her SHE is not going with anyone. She came in one morning announced she was already in puberty and demanded the talk @ 6 am. I told her puberty will have to wait until later today due to tight scheduling and not enough caffeine. You better believe that same evening , as soon as I slipped into the tub full of Calgon she was in that bathroom with a note pad full of questions. I drained the water. Just had to have clothes on to have the talk. She is gorgeous. Thank GOD she is bossy intelligent and overbearing ...scares the shit out of the boys to date. Most of them anyway. |
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Posted: 8/11/2007 10:55:01 AM EDT
[#13]
Getting closer. Thank heaven for little girls! Prayers for all to go well for mom and sweetie no 3. |
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Posted: 8/11/2007 1:16:42 PM EDT
[#14]
Loonybin Both sexes are a bessing. Just in different ways. And you will figure out what is best for your child in each stage regardless of gender. Both times I was pregnant I wanted the opposite of what I got. God knew better. You'll make a great dad!!! |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 6:11:01 AM EDT
[#15]
They grow up in the most delightful way!  I couldn't resist. My little girl turned 21 last week. I talked to her, and asked if she'd had a drink to celebrate - her answer, "No, I don't see what the big deal is" She's a good kid, and nearly always had her head on right. Of course, that's because she has me for a father. (the ex, couldn't parent her way outta a paper bag if she had a map and a flashlight) |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 8:35:24 AM EDT
[#16]
OMG!!!! THAT had me  Well, Zhuk, you're in good company (that is if you consider the Playmore's to be good company.) About a week ago, we were asked by our 10 year old what "sexual situations" were. Our 5 year old was outside, playing blissfully unaware that his brother was about to be indoctrined into the "in the know" group, so the timing seemed opportune. We took a deep breath, and plowed in. Tougher than I ever imagined.  I'm a straight shooter, hubby is too. So when I'd start to stammer, he'd pick up the end of my thought and vice versa. Puberty (male side only) had already been covered. So we started with a brief review of that, filled in SOME of the female puberty parts and then began with the immortal words, "When a mommy and a daddy love each other VERY VERY Much..." But sweet tapdancing Gabriel on a crutch, the rest was just STUCK like peanutbutter in our throats. We got it out...just the basics, mind you (no need to overcomplicate it---and the basics were all we could handle without alternating swigs out of a bottle of whiskey every time we choked on our thoughts). Good Golly. It was far easier telling him that there was no Santa Claus.
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Posted: 8/13/2007 8:50:59 AM EDT
[#17]
There's no Santa?!  
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Posted: 8/13/2007 10:17:32 AM EDT
[#18]
Already got three. And the oldest one has already asked me where babies come from.  I did okay, kept it simple, you know, the "mommy and daddy have a special way of loving each other and the baby grows in mommy's tummy" routine. It's worked so far; she hasn't pressed me for details. Yet.
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(I guess you weren't using Flonase, then, eh?