Time: middle of June, 2001.
Situation: Stopped at inspection in Burbank Airport.


Before I moved my Fiance out here to Free America, I was living alone out here preparing our future, and she was still living at our house in California. We wanted to make sure that AZ was going to work out for us, and find a way to transfer her job out here.
We took turns traveling to see each other, every other weekend or so. Usually I would fly out there with no extra complications at all. I packed very light every time, always bringing only a backpack as carry-on, and no checked baggage. I like to be at the airport for as little time as possible, and don't like waiting for luggage. Plus I've had bad experiences before where luggage never shows up.

This particular trip, I had decided to do some work on her car that I'd been neglecting, so I brought out a few tools with me. I was planning on adding an alarm system to her car, and brought mostly electrical tools(I work with mobile electronics for a living). I just brought the stuff out in my backpack like I always do.

After a good weekend together, the time came for me to fly back to Phoenix. We arrived a little behind schedule(bad traffic), said our good-byes, and I ran through the airport hoping to get on the plane, relax, and get home. By the time I got to the gate area, it was getting pretty close to my departure time. I've missed flights before, and I was praying it would all work out this time.

When walking through the gates, I did everything exactly as I always do. I put my backpack on the conveyor belt, emptied my pockets into the little basket, and took off my belt buckle to put in the basket too. My belt buckle always sets off the metal detector for some reason, so I've gotten used to just tossing it in with my pocket stuff.
The attendant made me turn off and on my cell-phones, to show that they were real or whatever(I had 2 at the time, one with my old CA number, and one with my AZ area code).

While I was simultaneously putting my belongings back in my pockets, showing that my phones were real, and trying to keep my pants from falling down since they had no belt buckle, the commotion started.

Three or four security officers were speed-walking to the gate area, and the attendant watching the x-ray monitors started wigging out and pointing at the screens to security and all the other airport employees in the area.
I figured someone had tried to smuggle something through, or there was some questionable objects in someone's bag.
It turns out they were looking at my backpack.
Everyone was serious as shit, and freaking out. At first I was wondering if a rat had crawled into my bag or something, not having a clue what they were freaking out about.
Just then 2 guys corner me, and one of them grabs me by the arm to pull me aside. Anyone who knows me would know not to grab me by the arm and try to tug on me, but these guys didn't know me from Adam, and tried to muscle me out of the path of other people. [i]Bad[/i] Idea. My instinct was to pull away from them, and free myself from their grip. I was immediately successful. They were telling me(excitedly) to calm down, and I was telling them to keep their hands OFF of me. I think they understood, because they didn't touch me again after that.

[continued]

I'm asking them WTF is going on, because by this time they've got a couple other guys coming over too. The other people coming through the gate area are being held back, and I realize it's just me and a bunch of security guys and airline employees in the vicinity.

The guy who looks like he might be one of the higher-ups starts walking to a counter, holding my backpack out very carefully, like when you take a dirty diaper to the trash. He actually looked frightened. Another guy comes up to me and asks me:
Him: "Is that your backpack?"
Me: "Yes, what's the problem?"
Him: "Has anyone else had access to it, or held it for you?"
Me: "No and No."
Him: "What do you have in your backpack?"
Me: "Some clothes, some tools, and some other stuff. What's the problem?"
Him: "Tools, huh?"
Me: "Yes, tools."
Him: "Do you have a hammer in there?"
Me: "A hammer? No. Why?"
Him: "Are you sure you don't have a hammer in there?"
Me: "Yes, quite sure."

One of the guys rummaging through my backpack then starts walking to the man questioning me, looking like he just happened across the mother-lode. He's holding a brown plastic East-German AK buttstock out at arms length, practically shouting "Look what was in there!! Look what was in there!!".
Everyone starts wigging out at this point.
The man questioning me says "What's this??!!!".
I say "It's a buttstock for a rifle. It's a fricking piece of plastic."
The fat white guy who originally was monitoring the screens stepped in all hero-like and butted in: "I'm not new to this. I've seen those before. [i]It's a survival rifle that comes apart and folds up inside itself!!![/i]". He was as proud as could be, like a guy who singlehandedly smashed a drug cartel. Unfortunately for him, he was more mistaken than even Miss Cleo ever could be. He'd mistaken a plastic AK Buttstock for an AR-7!!!!

Now, just to show how far off he was, I'll show a picture of an East German Buttstock and an AR-7 together. Maybe it could fool you guys too, since they look practically IDENTICAL[rolleyes]:
[img]www.ar15.com/members/albums/TREETOP%2Fstockcompare%2Ejpg[/img]
I explain that it's NOT a "survival rifle", or anything remotely close to that. I explained that it was an almost non-functional piece of a rifle, that I was bringing it with me to replace a stock I had at home. It was truly the only gun-related thing I had in the backpack, except for the new issue of Shotgun News that was with my other mail.

The question guy: You can't bring this on the plane."
Me: "WHAT?? It's just a piece of plastic!"
Him: "I'm sorry, you can't bring it on the plane. It's a gun part."
Me: "WTF? It's a harmless six dollar piece of plastic!"
Him: "Well, we don't know if you have the rest of the gun somewhere on the plane already."

*This is when I just about lost it the first time*

Me: "So you're accusing me of trying to build a gun on the airplane??"
Him: "Well, not exactly, we just don't know if you are or not."
Me: "If you're accusing me of something, You'd better be sure of what you're talking about. I'm a regular citizen just like everyone else trying to get on this plane, and you're making me out to be a terrorist or something. I'll say it again. IT'S A HARMLESS PIECE OF PLASTIC!!"
Him: "I'm sorry, you can't bring it on the plane. You can check it in your checked baggage if you want."
Me: "I don't have any checked baggage."
Him: (suspiciously) "Why not?"
Me: "Man, this is past rediculous, bring over somebody in charge".
Him: "I'm in charge of this area. I could bring over my boss, but you won't be happy with that."
Me: "Bring him."
He talks on his walkie-talkie for a second.
Him: "He's on his way."(giving me that "You'll be sorry" look.)

By this point I'm frustrated as hell. They're holding up my plane and still making everyone else wait. On top of my embarassment was my irritation. I just wanted to get home.

By now I was thinking more rationally and trying to find an end to the whole thing.

Me: "Can I just have you throw this thing in the trash and be on my way?"
Him: "You mean you don't want it?"
Me: "Of course I want it, but I'd rather spend the $6.00 for a new one later than deal with this BS now."
Him: "Well, I guess you could do that. You can't bring guns on the plane."

I explained that I've brought similar gun parts on an airplane before, never once having an issue. He didn't believe me.

Me: "Can I take the metal parts off of it and keep them before throwing away the plastic?"
Him: "Yes, can you do that?"
I start looking through my backpack for a small screwdriver to remove the buttplate and sling swivel, and something catches the other security guy's eye in there. I start removing the parts from the buttstock when I realize something.

Me: "How come I can't bring the plastic part on because it's a gun part, but I can bring the metal parts on the plane when you know that they're gun parts also???"[>:/]
Him: "What's that guy holding up?" (pointing to the other guy digging through my backpack AGAIN.)
Me: "That's my soldering iron. I told you I had some tools in there."
Him: " I know that's not a soldering iron. I've seen soldering irons before, and they don't look like that."
Me: "It IS a soldering iron. It's powered by butane rather than electricity."
*The Blue-Point(Snap-On) soldering iron is the one I use when working on cars, because it's a lot more convenient than bringing over my whole soldering station from the workbench.*

Him: "What? Butane? You can't bring that on the plane either!"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Him: "You can't bring anything with compressed fuel in it on the plane."

My phone starts ringing. I grab the wrong one at first, than answer the right one. It was my Fiance', I told her I'd better call her back. The guys interrogating me looked at me like I'm a freak for having 2 phones.
I'd just gotten done removing the metal parts from the buttstock, handed the plastic part to mr. smartypants, and was about to put the screwdriver away when I started smelling smoke. I looked over, and my backpack had [b]FIRE[/b] coming out of it...

[continued]

Apparently a female employee looking at the soldering iron had screwed around with it, turning it on before placing it ON TOP OF MY MAIL in my backpack. I start smacking the backpack, trying to get the fire out, and the woman starts SCREAMING. She was yelling "That's FIRE!! You can't bring fire on the plane!!"

I was seriously ready to strangle someone.
I got the fire out, with minimal melting to the backpack. She was still frantic, yelling about how I tried to smuggle "fire" onto the plane.

I was pissed, and started yelling back.
Me: "You stupid woman, YOU did this!"
Her: "No I didn't. It just happened by itself!"
Me: "It couldn't have happened by itself. It was turned off, with the adjustment an minimum. It's now on at full blast, where I've never had it before!"
Her: "I didn't do it, YOU did it!!!"
Me: (Yelling now)"Don't fu**ing accuse me of things I didn't do! You fu**ing turned on my soldering iron, and you fu**ing caught all my sh*t on fu**ing fire!!!!!"

She practically burst into tears, and was escorted away by some other guy, still yelling at me about how I tried to burn down the plane.

By this point there's no fixing the situation, and almost no escaping it. I thought I was going to jail for sure, for disturbing the peace, if nothing else.

I took a moment to catch my breath, and talked directly to the head honcho who'd I guess been witnessing most of this fiasco.
Him: "I can't let you take the soldering iron on the plane. You'll have to leave it here."
Me: "Can I just check (what's left of)my backpack as luggage, and put it in there?"
Him: "No, you can't even put something in checked baggage if it contains pressurised fuel. Not even a cigarette lighter."

I'm so depressed at this point. I'm not about to throw out a $95.00 soldering iron that I'll need the next day at work, and I'm just hoping that they aren't going to have me carried out by the Police.

I did some quick thinking, and asked if I could have someone come and pick up the soldering iron, and the buttstock, and just mail them to me in AZ. The dude said yes. I called my Fiance' and asked her if she could do that, and she said sure. She'd already been driving towards home for 20 minutes at least, but she turned around to come back.

I was allowed on the plane, I was the last one on board since they'd been holding the plane for me, and I had to sit in between 2 more idiots. I was sweating like a whore in church, and I had no cash on me for a drink. I was SO exhausted.

I called my Fiance' when I landed, and she'd gotten my stuff. Problem was, the guy who gave me the most trouble was HITTING ON HER! She asked where the counter was that I'd told her to go to, and the guy told her he'd show her for $10.00. Professional[rolleyes]. He was hitting on her some more, and being a total smartass. If he knew her, he wouldn't have done that. She laid into him something fierce, and said that [i]if they didn't have such incompetent fu**ing morons working there, that she wouldn't even have to be there[/i]. The guy finally left her alone, she went home, she mailed me my stuff, and there's the end of the backpack story.



[:D]-TREETOP.

Thanks Treetop.  The next package you get from South Carolina, don't open it.z

What?  Mailbomb jokes aren't funny any longer?

This happened in the middle of June? If it happened now, they would have probably shot you on site, you a lucky man!!!..[:D]

waht a bunch of idiots. is that at LAX?

ROFLMAO. Sorry I know this story pisses you off but that was one of the funniest damn stories that I've read in a while.

Thanks TreeTop, I can finally sleep now.

Hah, they couldnt shoot him...First they'd have to find a magazine.  They they would have to  find ammunition to load the magazine, then they would have to load the rifle.

This national guard stuff at O'hare is a joke.  

Burbank.

Great story.  You are a brave man.  I probably would never bring any gun parts in carry-on... and no way would I carry on or check a butan powered anything!

I got stopped once... as a technician, I was flying all over the west coast, and tried to carry on my tool set.  It had a battery powered electric screwdriver.

They would not let me carry it on, because they said I might try to take the plane apart!  But they let me carry on all the rest of the hand tools, including many hand screwdrivers!

Nuts.  I just had them check the power screwdriver in a small bag.  Nuts.

That was great TREETOP. Ok not great for you, but great for us! Thanks for finally writing it!!

[:)]

Serves you right for trying to bring FIRE on the plane. lol.  [:D]

I flew to Tasmania last sept during the olympics with a load 40sw mag for my Glock in my bag that a friend forgot to take out.
Scanners and guards in NC, San Francisco and Sydey AS missed.

[V]

[beer]It was all I expected and more[beer]

What a total letdown!

No, just kidding, it was great![:D]

Jeez, people can be such incompetant morons...my workplace is a testament to that, but thanks for the affirmation of the doomed state of the human race[;D]

Great job TREE, I enjoyed it.

Juggernaut

That buttstock looks just like one of those rifles that hide inside it you know! Fucking morons...

AAAAARRRRGGGHHH He's trying to bring [flame] onto the plane!!!! RFLMAO

Excellent story!  Definitely worth the wait, and I feel your pain.  There are few places more hellish than the DMV, and airport security is one of them.

God Bless Texas

That will teach you to bring fire on a plane, here I was hoping it had to do with one of those manequine heads you have or at least a blowup doll
Garry

ROFLMAO [:D], I'am laughing so hard, I'am [>(].

I'am sorry, but I lost it at the backpack on fire(you can't carry fire onboard, heehee[:)])

What a bunch of [:o)] they are. Just goes to show ya, give a person a little authority and they turn into a [devil].


        [argue]       [heavy]

that was a fucking RIOT!!!! id pay beau coup $ for the airport security tape of that fiasco! yhe funniest part is the stupid women thinking you are trying to smuggle "fire" lol

Damn, that was well worth the wait!

"That's FIRE!! You can't bring fire on the plane!!"  

Funniest damn line I've ever heard, are you sure you didn't smuggle that line out of an 'Airplane' movie?

Good thing they caught you, or you could have assembled that AK stock and soldering iron into a deadly post-ban flame thrower.  Plus with the two cell phones, you could have rigged a remote triggering device and phoned in a flame attack to the rest of the plane from the safety of the bathroom.

TREETOP, you are the MacGyver of airborne terrorism...

treetop, why couldnt you just have ditched the fuel cylinder on the iron. maybe its diffrent than teh ones im thinking.

I lovethat story reminded me of a story of my own . I was at LAX and had been visiting a friend we did some scuba diving and I had my gear with me  ( this was in about 89 ) . I had my regulators with me in carry on so they wouldn't steal/screw them up . When I went thru the scanners they got really excited and had me open up my bag so the could look . After explaining what they were they let me pass . I'm standing in line to get onto the plane and this baggage handler comes up to me and says that they need the regulator to let the air out of my scuba cylinder ( now the primary  regulator is in my bag and a plastic cap is screwed into the cylinder to keep the dirt out ) . After several minutes of trying to explain that it is just a plastic cap and he doesn't need my regulator . I tell him that he will have to take the cap off to put the regulator on anyway why doesn't he just take the cap off and see if there is any pressure in it and if there is taking the cap off will release it . I have never taken my dive gear with me again it just easier to rent.

... Thank TREETOP my btutha & neighbor, for the great laugh (sorry for you) but that was hilarious.

Twice tonight I laughed out loud.

(1) Diamondbacks beat NY Yanks
(2) The REAL "Flaming Backpack" revelation!

I just showed the story to a coworker who has in the past, worked security at the local airport.  He didn't laugh.  Not a single time!  He didn't think it was funny.  I think that says more about the sort of people that do that type of job than anything else I've seen or heard.

I think I might have opened-up a can of worms.  I asked him about the soldering iron, and he said he would arrest (not that he had that power) anyone trying to take a cindi-ery(sic) device on a plane.  I asked about cigarette lighters.  He got this awestruck look on his face then he said, "Oh my God!  Someone could burn down the plane with one of those."  He said he was going to call his old supervisor tomorrow to warn them.  What idiots.z

That is a CLASSIC!  Of course, if they federalize the job then I am SURE that the quality of service will be even better. haha

No one can [i]make up[/i] a story like this... Too good! Thanks for finally telling us. [:D]

You brought FIRE to the giant winged bird?
Truly a great man indeed who can control flames at his very will.  Thy skill in the magiks are astounding.

I must go sleep on my cot of water-like substance now.  The moving picture box just presented me with vertical bars of color, which mean the moon has once again captured the sun.  My strange device of bright red numbers makes an offensive noise everyday at the rising of the sun, so I will dream of how powerful you must be to be able to harness the powers of the fire.  Good evening, sir Treetop.

ROFLOL!  What a story!  Obviously, one of those things that's funny AFTERWARD, but not at the time...

A small OT observation:  I disagree w/ Marksman14 that National Guard at O'Hare is a joke.  It's far worse.  Every time I see American soldiers in cammies playing airport security cop, I think the only remaining difference between us and some little piss-ant third world banana republic oppressive dictatorship is --- we're bigger. [pissed]

"Oppressors can tyrannize only when they can achieve a standing army, an enslaved press, and a disarmed populace."
--James Madison

During the late ’70s and the early ‘80s my father routinely traveled with a S&W .38 in his briefcase. Literally hundreds of flights, including several to DC. Stupid MFers found and confiscated his letter opener on more than one occasion and missed the .38. [:)]

I hear people getting all jumpy about armed pilots and I think about what my father would say about that shiznit. LOL

LOLOL!!
It's still legal to smoke on some flights. What are you supposed to do?? Rub two sticks together?

Damn....  That WAS worth the wait !

[b][red]Good thing you didn't have a bottle of baby powder in your bag ![/b][/red] [}:D]

Holy crap that was funny! That dumb bitch going on about how you were trying to take fire on the plane has to be one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. Thanks for the story.

Now don't you feel better now?

Post 9/11.
My mom had a souvenier matchbook at Logan seized. Like some 50 year old white woman with a smoking habit is dangerous.

I am claiming the movie rights!!!!!!!!!

Treetop, you %#*! subversive. Bringing fire on a plane. [flame][pyro][devil]

Well worth the wait. Imagine someone trying to sneek fire onto an airplane. The nerve! Thanks, you really made my day.

Worth the wait...it made me laugh, but I think it made me more angry than anything else.

Tree, when I have the pleasure of shootin with you again, I`ll relate a similar story that happened to a good friend of mine. His story got worse by flipping the first two guys that 'layed hands on' him. He ended up having two complete IPSC rigs and 2 race guns destroyed, plus a federal rap. Just because of airport security and their " I wished I was a cop, but I`ll take this minimum wage pating job and make believe for the time being" attitude.
Glad it ended up being a just a good story instead of jail.

ROFLMAO!!!!  That was priceless.  Wonder if you can check the fire?

Strange!  I've carried numerous AR mags and stripper clips ([i]obviously empty[/i]) on planes before, in my carry-on luggage...  

While I am [b]always[/b] detained for a chemical/explosives check, I have never had anything set on fire.

Hmmmm.... You don't suppose I'm regularily detained because I always wear AR15.COM shirts at airports do you..?  It's just more fun this way! [:D]

Yes...very much worth the wait.


It will go down in history!!



Sgtar15
[img]http://imagem.webphotos.iwon.com/1000017294/1000017294_1029200112627AM0.1022695.jpg[/img]

Funny stuffs TT,...REALLY !!,I can die now.[;)]

lol that sure beats my story about when i forgot i was wearing steel toe boots

"That's FIRE! You can't bring fire on the plane!"

Is it just me, or do you see/hear Beavis when you read those words? "Fire, Fire, Fire, Fuego, Fuego!"

Sitting in Orange County/John Wayne Airport on Sunday waiting for my flight home, I noticed that the "added security" were Air National Guard guys. Not to crack on the Air Force or anything, but do these guys even [b]SEE[/B] an M16A2 in bootcamp? Are they required to requalify with one annually?