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1/25/2018 7:38:29 AM
Posted: 8/10/2001 8:27:36 AM EST
A cowboy rode into strange town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna have to do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go: what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 8:35:04 AM EST
Mr Smith of Texas Goes to Heaven Mr. Smith of Texas was humble and reverent by Texas standards. The Texan died and ascended in to Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise." The Texan shook his head in utter amazement and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise." St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what MY Heaven has to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St.Peter. The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO." Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere."Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful? The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime." Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas?" said St. Peter. The Texan smiled & said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND". At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door & they stepped into an elevator & started going down. As they descended, it grew more & more hot.When the elevator door open, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell. St.Peter said "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?" The Texan thought a moment & shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 8:53:12 AM EST
Ok sence we are on Texas jokes... A man dies and goes to hell. He looks around and everyone is moaning and in pain. The devil walks in and is admiring the spectical when he sees this man standing there doing nothing. He asks"dont you hate it here?" The man says "no." "WHAT!!!"the devil exclaims and walks over to the thermostat and turns it up. "Hot enough for you now now?" The man says "feels like San Antonio in the spring. Quite comfortable." The devil turns up the thermostat again. "Hot enough for ya now?" "Feels like San Antonio in the summer. Pretty comfortable." Then Satan storms over to the thermostat and mummbles "this oughta fix him" and turn the thermostat way down and it starts to snow. The man is jumping and yelling with joy. Satan asks "why are you so happy?" Cause they said hell would freeze over when the Astros won the penant!" I appologize it looses somthing when I tell it. I have one more though it might piss some people off. So I wont say it. [sniper]
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 9:15:03 AM EST
[Last Edit: 8/10/2001 9:12:09 AM EST by Sweep]
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 9:15:40 AM EST
Originally Posted By AILapua: A cowboy rides into town on a Wednesday, stays 5 days and leaves on a Wednesday, how did he do it? Ai
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Was his horse named Wednesday?
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 9:18:16 AM EST
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 9:20:04 AM EST
Three cowboys were sitting around the night campfire, bragging about how tough they were. First cowboy says, "Well, I wrasseled a cougar, and yanked out his teeth with mah fence pliers before he could bite me." Second cowboy says, "That ain't nuthin'. I once walked across the Sonora desert for 5 days without water or boots. Got to a stream and had to fight off a grizzly, using only a pocket knife. I was sure thirsty, but that bear was sure dead, when I got done with him". The third cowboy said nothing, as he sat there, stirring the fire with his dick.
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 10:56:11 AM EST
[Last Edit: 8/10/2001 10:53:29 AM EST by Rifles4Me]
Ok anyone who reads this and takes offence I am sorry. I am LDS and I thought this was funny as heck. I have had to edit it cause I didn't like the original. Two Mormons and a cowboy are walking in a field and the stumble upon a old lamp. They start to clean it when a genie come out and says since there are three of them they each get one wish. So the first Mormon says I want all the Mormons in Utah and everyone else who isn't Mormon out of Utah. The Genie says it is done Then the second Mormon goes and says I want a wall around Utah 100 feet tall. So no one can get in and no one can get out. the Genie says it is done. The cowboy asks now how tall is that wall again? The Genie replies 100 feet tall The cowboy says fill the sucker up with water. [sniper]
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 11:13:49 AM EST
A gazillionaire needs a new brain. He goes to the best brain "store" on the planet. There he finds Einstiens brain for 1,000,000. Others of the same caliber for a like sum. Then he comes to a cowboys brain. Cost 1000,000,000. He asks why so much for a cowboys brain? Because it hasn't ever been used!
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 11:45:44 AM EST
a 3 legged dog walks into a bar and say im looking for the man that shot my paw
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 11:47:24 AM EST
Why do cowboys have brown mustaches...? Because they are always "Lookin Fer Luv in All The Wrong Places"...
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 11:48:20 AM EST
What are the three lies cowboys tell? 1. That truck outside is paid for. 2. I won this here belt buckle in a rodeo. 3. I swear I was just helpin' them sheep across the fence.
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 11:54:55 AM EST
A cowboy, a banker and a lawyer are in the mens room taking a leak. The banker finishs, walks to the sink, washes his hands up to his elbows, then takes ten paper towels to dry with and says "I went to the University of Michigan where they also taught us cleanliness." The lawyer finishs, walks to the sink, wets his fingertips and takes only one paper towel and says "I went to the University of Southern California where they also taught us ecology and to respect the environment." The cowboy finishs, walks toward the door and says "Boys, I went to Oklahoma State University where they taught us not to pee on our hands."
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 11:58:08 AM EST
Three cowboys are sitting at a bar. The Texan orders a bottle of Lone Star beer. He takes a pull, flings the bottle in the air and blasts it with his six shooter. The Bartender says" What'd you do that for?" The Texas cowboy replies," Back home, there's so much Lone Star beer that it flows like the Rio Grande.Not to be outdone, the cowboy from California daintilly sip his Chardonnay, then smashes the bottle on the bar. He says(with a lisp)"In California, there is enough wine to fill the San Franthithco bay." The cowboy from Nevada takes a pull off his bottle of whiskey and splits the Californian's head open with a hatchet. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he says,"Where I'm from we got WAY too many of them fuckers!"
Link Posted: 8/10/2001 12:03:34 PM EST
A California cowboy visits Nevada with the intent to buy a spread of land. His host, a native Nevadan, is showing him all of the available properties when he notices a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. He says " Now this is how we have fun in Nevada!" and runs done and has sex with the sheep. He returns to the truck and asks the Californian if he'd like to try it. Bewildered, he replies," Okay, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?"
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