Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login

Site Notices
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 3
Posted: 5/6/2004 9:35:11 AM EST
[Last Edit: 5/6/2004 4:14:51 PM EST by Glassman-61]
I realize as I grow older I am becoming more and more conservative, and what I thought was OK when I was younger I do not consider OK now.

Situation....

I have a daughter who is 19 and a Sophomore in college.

She has been living in her own apartment, and next year will share a house with 3 other girls.

She also works to help pay her bills.

I help pay for her college.

I also give her a monthly allowance.

She just informed me that she is going to Myrtle Beach for a week with her boyfriend, staying at a resort on the beach.

My moral dilemma.....I do not think it is right for my unmarried daughter to go away with her boyfriend for a week. I realize she is old enough to make her own decisions, but at this point is this when I tell her that she is finally emanciapted and I stop supporting her?

I am considering cutting off the allowance and telling her she is free to do what she wants but I have no obligation to support it. I will continue to help with the college.

Thoughts?

*******UPDATE 9:15 pm 5-6-04********


I left work early so I could catch my daughter at my house. She was doing laundry.

I sat her down and first told her "I love you very much, but want to discuss this trip".

I asked her if she felt this was the moral thing to do, spending a week at the beach with her boyfriend. She saw no issue.

I then explained how I had an issue with it. I was not accusing her of having sex or even asking. Just the mere perception of this type of activity bothered me. I have no dillusions of what she may or may not be doing while living in her apartment, that was something I could not contrel. I saw this trip as a slap in my face especially since she waited until the last minute to tell me she was going and then I had to ask With Who? She did not ask my permission or my opinion on the matter.

I explained she is a mature women and able to make her own decisions. But if she wants to make decisions like this I do not have to support it, either emotionally or financially. I told her if she went I would discontinue her allowance, but still give her the money in her college fund.

She cried and could not understand what was so wrong with hanging out with a buddy at the beach. I said it was more than that, it is her boyfriend and I certainly do not have to support that. I also told her I was very disappointed at how his mother helped to arrange this trip. I then commented on how I felt the morality of this world was slipping and it was important for some people to take a stand on certain issues. This is one issue I was taking a stand on.

I then told her she was financially on her own and free to do anything she would like without guilt. I will no longer judge her. I also told her it might take 25 years before she realized the importance of this conversation.

She cried a bit and then had to leave for work. I told her I love her and to drive safe.

I have struggled with this all day before and all night since, but feel like I am doing the right thing. I have a 13 year old daughter and I need to be consistent with how I now deal with her. I can't have her throwing this event in my face 5 or 6 years from now if I had supported it.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 9:39:48 AM EST
[Last Edit: 5/6/2004 9:40:18 AM EST by xbigfootx]
My folks helped put my sister through college (she went away to school) and she did some stupid shit. My folks didn't say a word to my knowledge. I don't think she got an allowance from them however. I would just let it go, but I'm not a father. She is an adult and can make her own decision. I'm sure she see's her boyfriend plenty and I don't think it will be any different on a vacation. I would take her allowance away, but I'm just a little jealous cause my folks never gave me one when I was in school. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 9:42:45 AM EST
Sounds good to me, IF she is responsible enough to go to a resort w/ the boyfriend, she should be able to pay the bills. If she knows how you feel, and is doing it anyway, all the more reason. OTH, lets not delude ourselves here, she is 19 and away from home. By now, the week away is probably just that because, well she's 19 and in college away from home. (NOT trying to bash your daughter or cheapen her, but the week alone w/ a guy probably isn't the first). Regardless you shouldn't have to pay for it.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 9:44:19 AM EST
[Last Edit: 5/6/2004 9:45:03 AM EST by Sierra_Hombre]
i wouldn't cut her allowance over this, if that is the case. anyway, give her plenty of advance notice if you do so she can budget accordingly and maybe find more/better work. i know this is a shitty situation and your mental image of the week is horrible, but your little girl is growing up in a different time. at least she works, she sounds responsible enough from the limited info. she'll be fine.

eta: how long has she been together with this guy?
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 9:45:21 AM EST
I think you still see your little girl in your 19 year old woman offspring. You should inform her that she should have asked for your permission to go (and you should have given it), rather than telling you that she was going, as you are still supporting her financially.

If she's been good up to now, why not let her lengthen the leash. You'll have to let go entierly in a few years anyhoo...
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 9:47:49 AM EST
Do you think she is studying every moment that she is in college in her own apartment? Sounds like your eyes are only half open. Anything she can do in Mertl Beach she is probably already doing in college, so what's the big deal?

Just make it clear to her that if she gets knocked up she's not getting a raise in her allowance and make it clear to her boyfriend that you have a serious love of guns and that if he knocks her up... Should help put things into perspective for them.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 9:48:59 AM EST
I have a 19-year old daughter and we are having some disagreement over decisions she has been making.

I am very limited in what I can make her do, but I've made it clear that there are some things I cannot tolerate. Also, I've tried to make her understand that being an adult doesn't mean having the freedom to do what you want; rather, it's having the freedom to do what you should. That is, being responsible and making right choices.

Frankly, there isn't much that can happen in Myrtle Beach that couldn't happen in her (or his) apartment. As a Dad I hate to mention such things, but that's the way it is.

It's not unreasonable that your financial support/allowance be conditional. If it was me I'd probably withold funds until she demonstrates the ability to make sound decisions according to the morality she was raised in.

Your call.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 9:56:15 AM EST

Originally Posted By Glassman-61:

My moral dilemma.....I do not think it is right for my unmarried daughter to go away with her boyfriend for a week. I realize she is old enough to make her own decisions, but at this point is this when I tell her that she is finally emanciapted and I stop supporting her?

I am considering cutting off the allowance and telling her she is free to do what she wants but I have no obligation to support it. I will continue to help with the college.

Thoughts?



I am going to give you the Dr. Laura advice and tell you if she goes, then she should be TOTALLY cutoff financially. If she is old enough to make bad moral judgements, then she is an adult, and should live free from anyone elses financial support. I tend to be UBER-Conservative when it comes to things like this. By allowing it, you are condoning it. Flame suit on.....
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 9:57:39 AM EST

Originally Posted By DOA:

Originally Posted By Glassman-61:

My moral dilemma.....I do not think it is right for my unmarried daughter to go away with her boyfriend for a week. I realize she is old enough to make her own decisions, but at this point is this when I tell her that she is finally emanciapted and I stop supporting her?

I am considering cutting off the allowance and telling her she is free to do what she wants but I have no obligation to support it. I will continue to help with the college.

Thoughts?



I am going to give you the Dr. Laura advice and tell you if she goes, then she should be TOTALLY cutoff financially. If she is old enough to make bad moral judgements, then she is an adult, and should live free from anyone elses financial support. I tend to be UBER-Conservative when it comes to things like this. By allowing it, you are condoning it. Flame suit on.....



Wow. I thought I was the only one......
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:02:20 AM EST
Reading this as my daughter is 15.

Your daughter is an adult now. Though it may not be an easy thing to admit. And chances are she and boyfriend have been shacking up weekends for a while. Just the odds, nothing personal.

I'm guessing she knows your views on this, but has decided to "go against them" anyway. Don't know what to tell you. You've probably already given her "the pregnancy" talk. Maybe time to remind her. "You know how I feel about such things (going away for a week with a guy). Make sure he wears condoms." Now she knows you know. Maybe that'll take a little starch out of her sails.

I've had the talk with my daughter. As well as mom and grandma. Daughter has always wanted to be a veternarian. I told her if she gets pregnant before she's out of school "it'll shoot your dreams of being a vet right in the ass." Daughter chuckled at my telling. She and I talk. The others lecture. There is a difference, you know.

I plan to send my daughter an allowance/aid while she's in college and, sitting here - right now, I don't think I would cut it off if my daughter announce the same thing.

"You know how I feel about such things (going away for a week with a guy). Make sure he wears condoms." I think that's about all you can do at this point.

Good luck.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:05:36 AM EST
Seeing's how I have boys, it might be different for me. However, if she is doing well in school (grades, etc) and is basically a responsible person, then maybe that could offset how you feel about her going to Myrtle Beach. But the question really is: is it a financial reason or the fact that your daughter will be with her boyfriend for the week. Would it be different if he paid all the expenses? Or is it your daughter will be with her boyfriend for a week? Either way, your daughter is 19, still in college, away from home, and the only control you have is money. Cutting her off could be a bad thing and severley strain your relationship with her. The best thing is to talk it over with her and tell her how you feel about it. You're her father and if you had a good relationship in the past, then talking shouldn't be hard.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:05:45 AM EST
I AM a 19 year old daughter. I lived with my boyfriend for a year...and the parents didn't care one bit. They're just happy I bring home good grades. My parents were never very strict though. My entire life, I never had a bedtime or a curfew. There were only 2 rules in my house: Get good grades and don't get arrested. I've never broken either of those rules. I got into one of the best private high schools in the midwest, got excellent grades, and continued that in college. It was great because I never had to rebel...there was nothing to rebel against.

Granted, I'm sure such an upbringing wouldn't work for everyone...but I don't think I would have turned out as well as I did if it hadn't been for my parents' leniency. I'm not stupid, and it doesn't sound like your daughter is either. I hate to tell you this, but your daughter is going to do what she wants regardless of your rules. Just be glad she's telling you about her plans, rather than sneaking around behind your back. If you threaten her with ultimatums, she will give the appearance that she is following your rules. But, she won't be. She will be living her life just the same as she is now...but she won't tell you about it.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:08:20 AM EST

I feel for you.

BTDT, got a grandson.

I am in no position to give anyone advise on that.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:09:34 AM EST
Have you told her you're not comfortable with the idea? She may surprise you and agree to taking seperate rooms. (Like that would do any good.) You can always cut off her allowance, but if she goes along with it and survives, then you have even less control than you had before. Maybe a good face to face discussion would impress your concerns upon her. Maybe not. I had to face the fact that my girls were growing up and it was tough to do. If push comes to shove, you can't nail her feet to the floor, as much as you wish you could sometimes. All you can really do is try to reason with her. You don't want to impose such a hardship that she'd have to drop out of college. Then, not only would she miss out on a good career, she'd probably have to move back in with you.

I have grandkids now and they're a lot more fun. I wish they could have come along first.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:16:10 AM EST

Originally Posted By CloningBagels:
I AM a 19 year old daughter. I lived with my boyfriend for a year...and the parents didn't care one bit. They're just happy I bring home good grades. My parents were never very strict though. My entire life, I never had a bedtime or a curfew. There were only 2 rules in my house: Get good grades and don't get arrested.



A woman I know was bragging to me about having the same rules for her daughter. By the time the girl was 20 she had two babies by different men and was on welfare.

There is more to morality and making sound decisions than just staying out of jail.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:30:35 AM EST
I have two daughters, one 19 and in college, one 17 and soon to be. We have told them for some time now that as long as they live under our roof, or gain support, (money) from us, they will live by our rules. With independence comes a price, you can not have one without the other.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:32:26 AM EST

Originally Posted By arowneragain:

Originally Posted By DOA:

Originally Posted By Glassman-61:

My moral dilemma.....I do not think it is right for my unmarried daughter to go away with her boyfriend for a week. I realize she is old enough to make her own decisions, but at this point is this when I tell her that she is finally emanciapted and I stop supporting her?

I am considering cutting off the allowance and telling her she is free to do what she wants but I have no obligation to support it. I will continue to help with the college.

Thoughts?



I am going to give you the Dr. Laura advice and tell you if she goes, then she should be TOTALLY cutoff financially. If she is old enough to make bad moral judgements, then she is an adult, and should live free from anyone elses financial support. I tend to be UBER-Conservative when it comes to things like this. By allowing it, you are condoning it. Flame suit on.....



Wow. I thought I was the only one......



Nope, not even close!

The parent is dutifully bound to draw a line in the sand, in this case at Myrtle Beach. If she chooses to cross it, she has made a decision to be an independent adult and will therefore have to accept the other respnsibilities of adulthood...namely the financial ones.

Be strong!
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:36:33 AM EST
Just tell her "Don't forget to bring a towel!"
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:45:38 AM EST
Sorry, I am not a Dad, but wanted to mention this:

If you take away financial backing, you drive her away from you. You voice your disagreement to her in fiscal terms. It has the possibility of driving her away from you, and driving her MORE towards this guy. Maybe she'll move in with him to overcome the financial burden?

I would talk to her about this. I would voice how you feel. Yes, she is going to say she saved her $ to be able to go on the trip. (Of course, if you weren't helping, she would've used the saved $ for bills, food, etc)

Maybe she'll see how it hurts you. You gave $ so she could get an education. Now, you helping her is allowing her to have a week of _________ nevermind. Let's just say a week of Myrtle Beach.

Punish her and drive her away from you. She'll probably tell you that she doesn't want your $...

Or, she is an adult. She does need to realize she isn't a free spirit just yet...

Tread carefully. I have seen situations where parents and adult children have said things they wish they could take back.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:47:49 AM EST
When I was 19 or so my 19 or so girlfriend and I went off for spring break. No repricussions on either of us and if our parents thought we were sleeping in separate beds then they were damned fools, which they were not. I have no business offering judgement on an adult child, so when my daughter hits 19 in about 5 years I doubt I will be the one to cry foul. How did you act at 19, and what were you doing in college?
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 10:48:38 AM EST
As long as she is still in college and has passing grades you should still support her.

Just call her and tell her you love her and that you are proud of her because you raised a smart good looking girl.Tell her to have a good time and that you will be thinking about her that whole week she is at Myrtle Beach.

Its hard to be a dad

Good luck Neanderthal
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:00:05 AM EST

Originally Posted By Mugzilla:
Sorry, I am not a Dad, but wanted to mention this:

If you take away financial backing, you drive her away from you. You voice your disagreement to her in fiscal terms. It has the possibility of driving her away from you, and driving her MORE towards this guy. Maybe she'll move in with him to overcome the financial burden?

I would talk to her about this. I would voice how you feel. Yes, she is going to say she saved her $ to be able to go on the trip. (Of course, if you weren't helping, she would've used the saved $ for bills, food, etc)

Maybe she'll see how it hurts you. You gave $ so she could get an education. Now, you helping her is allowing her to have a week of _________ nevermind. Let's just say a week of Myrtle Beach.

Punish her and drive her away from you. She'll probably tell you that she doesn't want your $...

Or, she is an adult. She does need to realize she isn't a free spirit just yet...

Tread carefully. I have seen situations where parents and adult children have said things they wish they could take back.



I have to disagree with some of what you're saying. Taking this attitude grants her power over her father to do whatever she wants despite his wishes. "Uh-oh, I better not make her mad..."

I have to stick to my standards of right and wrong. If my daughter demands her "right" to independent adulthood, I'm prepared to tell her to go ahead and be independent, but first think through the consequences of her decisions.

And of course being an "independent adult" means not taking support (dependency) from someone else.

Glassman, I think if you cave on this it will show her that all things, including her father's sense of morality, are negotiable.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:03:59 AM EST
I only have a son (and I'd probably tell him to hit it). But I think I would let it go. I would definitely have a heart-to-heart talk with her about this trip and premarital sex. Partly it depends on you and your wife's experiences at that age. Did your wife or you have sex at a young age? If so, tell her why it was a mistake. If not, tell her why you are glad you didn't do it too early. She might not be having sex with the guy. I did have girlfriends like that when I was about that age.

GunLvr
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:04:52 AM EST
Well, you could sit down with her boyfriend and have a nice talk with him about your daughter. You could make sure that he understands just how much her happiness and well being mean to you, and occasionally interject a comment like; "Did I tell you that I can clip the wings off a fly at 600 meters", or "I know that you'll treat my daughter with all the respect she deserves, 'cause there's not a country in the free world where I couldn't find you if you didn't". And maybe you could end your little conversation by saying, "I'm glad we had this talk...I've got a real good fix on what you look like now. But I'm not worried son. I know you'll do the right thing."

"Hey, did my daughter ever tell you about how I got this scar when I was in SE Asia. Man, you wouldn't want to see that other guy."
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:06:35 AM EST

My father paid for my sister's expenses while she was at school, and in return she walked all over him and everything he stood for. She has now dropped out of college, is living at home with her brand new husband, and is having a baby in the next 10-14 days.

Stand up for what you believe in. Let her know in no uncertain terms that her behavior is unacceptable and she is risking everything by taking this little trip.

That's my take on the situation, anyway.

Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:08:36 AM EST

Originally Posted By shotar:
How did you act at 19, and what were you doing in college?



[hillary clinton voice]

"I do not recall."
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:11:06 AM EST
[Last Edit: 5/6/2004 11:12:01 AM EST by -Absolut-]
she is old enough to make decisions about vacations and such for herself, that doesn't mean you should cut her off financially.
trying to force your 'morals' on her now (at 19) will just drive a wedge b/w you
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:14:21 AM EST

Originally Posted By -Absolut-:
she is old enough to make decisions about vacations and such for herself, that doesn't mean you should cut her off financially.
trying to force your 'morals' on her now (at 19) will just drive a wedge b/w you



One person's "forcing your morals on her" is another person's "holding her accountable for her decisions."

Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:21:06 AM EST

Originally Posted By KBL:
Well, you could sit down with her boyfriend and have a nice talk with him about your daughter. You could make sure that he understands just how much her happiness and well being mean to you, and occasionally interject a comment like; "Did I tell you that I can clip the wings off a fly at 600 meters", or "I know that you'll treat my daughter with all the respect she deserves, 'cause there's not a country in the free world where I couldn't find you if you didn't". And maybe you could end your little conversation by saying, "I'm glad we had this talk...I've got a real good fix on what you look like now. But I'm not worried son. I know you'll do the right thing."

"Hey, did my daughter ever tell you about how I got this scar when I was in SE Asia. Man, you wouldn't want to see that other guy."



Riiight... and after the talk he'll still go to the beach and bang the crap out of your daughter, just the way she likes.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:23:48 AM EST


Riiight... and after the talk he'll still go to the beach and bang the crap out of your daughter, just the way she likes.

Hey, it's easy for me to say...I don't have a daughter...
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:30:44 AM EST
Sounds like a "girls gone wild" week to me! WOO HOO! Snoop Dog is da man!
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:33:28 AM EST
Not a dad but over 40 and been around the block

She might just be living with her boyfriend NOW. She told you about the trip to break this to you SLOWLY.

If you raised her right taking away the money you GIVE her will not change who she is. If you didnt want to give her money to go away you should tell her before you gave her the money not after. Tell her how you feel and state EXACTLY how you want any more money you give her spent.
If she wants things you dont approve of , she needs the money from her boyfriend or someplace else. I would hope its someplace else.


SIDE NOTE
My wife's mother would not allow any unmarried couples to sleep under her roof ( She has 5 kids all over 35. Two of them lived with long term partners, no kids why get married. ). That was her house and she made the rules. Guess who she didnt see as often as the other 3 kids ? Yup, the two adult children with partners. She has said she wished she wasnt as stubborn back then. One of the kids died and she will never get that time back.

Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:33:52 AM EST

Originally Posted By Wraith:
I have two daughters, one 19 and in college, one 17 and soon to be. We have told them for some time now that as long as they live under our roof, or gain support, (money) from us, they will live by our rules. With independence comes a price, you can not have one without the other.



Dad,

I have heard this from you a thousand times. I just never knew you had more kids that young. Oh yeah, and n ow that I am grown and have my own life, I understand first hand exactly what you meant. I didnt know you surfed arfcom, welcome!

Thanks

CV


P­S. NO matter what your decision, give them condoms. A few boxes. Make her take them. PSYCHOPS.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:35:40 AM EST
She isn't going to do anything out of town that she wouldn't do in town at the dorm, keep that in mind.

She is 19 and technically old enough to go around the world with this guy if she wants. She depends on you because you are her dad and if you blow her off because of this, she will never forget it.

You cutting her off financially will not get her to stop spending time with this guy. It will only make her resent you.

Talk to her and tell her how you feel about it but don't scold her. If you do she won't tell you stuff anymore and will start lying to you. Instead of telling you she is going out of town with a guy she will tell you she is going to be with her girflriends. (not)
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:35:59 AM EST
So you never answered our question.

What's your daughters email address?
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:48:12 AM EST
I have three girls comming up, one 10 and 3 yr old twins. These scenerios have been playing my head forever. For now I just hope they have a happy childhood and get to college.

Sorry I can't help...
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 11:59:48 AM EST
Speaking as a young guy. If any father had a talk to me saying things like "don't have sex with my daughter" I'd laugh and most likely be doing the opposite. It is the daughter's choice, not the fathers. If he said "don't hurt my daughter" I'd agree, think I want my woman hurt? no.

Your best bet? Tell her that you disagree with her decision, tell her to have a good time, and make her take a box of condoms. If looking at the box, and remembering who gave them to her doesn't stop her, then pretty much anytihng else you do wouldn't stop her.

Alot of parent's first reaction when their children don't do what they want is anger, and punishment. I know this is how my parents are. You know what it caused me to do? I withdrew, and just stopped telling them things. Now, at 21, I find I have almost no connection to my family and they have only a limited idea of what i believe and who I am. If you are fine with only superficailly knowing your daughter, go ahead and pull her allowance and "punish" her. If you really don't want to be supporting her spending time with her boyfriend, at this point the best option is as stated above, give her time, a couple months or so to accept it and plan. Preferably tell her your decision after the vacation, so it's not hanging over her head, that way, it is more of a "you are responsible enoguh to go without an allowance" thing than punishment for her decision. I know when I was 16, my parents told me my $5/wk allowance was going to be cut off at 18, and I had no problem with it because they were upfront with me when they made the decision. At 19, her values have already been formed, she will do what she thinks is right, and any disagreement with you will drive a wedge, however small into your relationship.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:04:52 PM EST
Instill the fear of GOD in her boyfriend, that will be my tactic when i'm the father. Tell your daughter what ever she wants to hear, and have a "CHAT" with the boy maksure he knows exsactly where you stand.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:18:49 PM EST
Glassman-61....
BTDT. My daughter used to leave school on weekends to shack up with her boyfriend, starting at about age 20. She's 22 now, graduated, and living back home and still shacks up with him on weekends. I told her I don't like it and that it is slutty behavior. I told her that if she gets knocked up she won't be living here with a baby. I also told her that if she murders an unborn child she won't be living here either. So I deal with it as there is little else I can do.
Good luck to you
DFB
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:20:18 PM EST
I personally believe that I have a higher power watching over me, and guiding me through tough times. I also believe that my daughter has a higher power. What was hard for me, was realizing that I was not that higher power.

Do you trust your daughter to do the right thing?

I understand your concern.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:23:49 PM EST

Originally Posted By Brohawk:

Originally Posted By -Absolut-:
she is old enough to make decisions about vacations and such for herself, that doesn't mean you should cut her off financially.
trying to force your 'morals' on her now (at 19) will just drive a wedge b/w you



One person's "forcing your morals on her" is another person's "holding her accountable for her decisions."




But you should be advised that that may have unintended consequences. Many years ago, I was under similar circumstances, and my parents threatened to withhold funds if I started doing things they disapproved of. I ultimately complied (as far as they know) because I was pragmatic enough to know that I couldn't finish school without the cash flow. My parents probably claimed success in their own minds, because they won that battle. However, that made me have a very superficial relationship with them, that has lasted to this day, though it has thawed a little bit in the last few years. Why give them the opportunity to meddle was my mantra. It's now 15 years later, and I still feel like I can't trust them with certain pieces of information, because I don't want to deal with the expected result. Is this the relationship you want with your daughter? In summary, it will have a distancing effect.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:26:18 PM EST
Just my two cents, take it FWIW, but I would express my disapproval of her being in the same room with her boyfriend, then offfer a carrot-and-stick approach. Tell her that, if she agrees to seperate rooms, you'll pay for the extra room and give her some spending money. If she insists on sleeping with him, you're going to cut off her allowance (NOT her college money though---that's cutting off your nose to spite your face IMHO).
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:26:48 PM EST
[Last Edit: 5/6/2004 12:31:36 PM EST by stator]
Most of the advice seems rotten here and it figures given the rowdy or rowdy-wannabes that frequent here. So heres some good advice.

1- It is not a moral issue for you at all. Your daughter is an adult and all of her moral issues are strictly hers. Don't cross the line and force your morals on another adult. If you have a great relationship where you can discuss your morals and values and what you like to see of her, then by all means go ahead and DISCUSS.

2- It is a financial issue for you. Since you didn't also furnish your financial state, tax returns, and those of your daughter, we can only guess or offer limited, general advice. Here's me:

If your daughter has been working extra-hours or an extra-job to afford this vacation, then let her go and continue to fund her college. If your daughter has not, then consider your financial situation. If you are rich, you may elect to do nothing or maybe even help out with necessary money to make sure the trip becomes safe or stays safe (i.e. make sure they don't sleep out in the park or in a red-light district motel). If you are not rich, but are making ends meet without any real hope for a vacation yourself, then you may wish to discuss with your daughter that you may be funding her allowance on the highside and will cut that back for your vacation. You also should factor in your daughters standing and achievement at college. If she is doing well and is gaining benefit, will graduate with a degree that will lead to sustainable employment, weigh that in. Never lose sight of the important picture here which is graduatation and meaningful employment (unless of course, your family is wealthy and she comes complete with a trust fund... in that case, post interview information for the single guys here. I'm sure some of them will want to apply for your daughter's hand).

I've always lived under the rules of my parents that if they pay, subsidize, or fund, I live by their rules. Of course, this was not a hard and fast rule, but a guideline meant to be use as a baseline when considering funding situations or requests from me. I choose to have my kids live under these same rules.


Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:41:07 PM EST
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:42:56 PM EST
It always made me chuckle how adults got so worked up over unmarried couples taking trips together, but missed the fact that they lived 10 minutes from each other in college. Is there an anti-screwing forcefield that only functions in the town they live in?

Not to be trivial (I'll be facing the same in 18 years), but your daughter is either sticking to the morals of no unmarried sex or she isn't. A beach is not going to change that. My wife believed that strongly while we were dating. I took her to the Grand Canyon and proposed and she stuck to her priciples. Not my favorite at the time, but I respect her greatly for it.

I cuncur with what many are saying. If you don't want to pay for her spending cash any more due to choices she is making, give her some notice and let her figure out how to become more of an adult. Don't tie it just to this trip. Tell her why you disapprove of the trip but that you wish her well and drop it. My wife's father wasn't to happy about the trip I planned... until his little girl came back with a ring and a guy who was very much devoted to her.

If it's been a good relationship so far, don't stomp on it over this.

Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:49:02 PM EST
Subsidized Independance, it's a bitch.

If she wants to act like an adult, then she can pay her own way, like an adult.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 12:50:07 PM EST
What were the rules that you and your daughter agreed upon before she went to school?

Was no sex before you are married one of them?
Was no going anywhere with anyone of the opposite sex one of them?
Was cutting off her allowance and cutting off her tuition if she broke the rules part of the agreement?

If it was, then stick by your agreement.

If not, then wish her well and tell her not to get knocked up.

I say your daughter did the right thing by letting you know what she is doing.
I would think that you would wnat her to be honest with you.

What would you be saying if it was your son instead of your daughter.

Don't burn any bridges. My uncle did that with one of his daughters, he only got to meet his grand daughter one time before he died.
His choice.
Same deal.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 1:03:24 PM EST
[Last Edit: 5/6/2004 1:29:19 PM EST by wiggy762]
First off, my quals to weigh in on this.....I have a 21 year old step-son that I have raised for the last 6 years in every way that you raise a child. He calls me Dad and I call him my son.

My son just completed his Junior year at college while averaging a 3.9 GPA on 18 hr plus class loads, all heavy on science for a pre-med Biology degree. His mother and I support him 100% to include auto, ins, gas, housing, utilities, spending money, tuition, books...you name it. I am proud of my son and am happy to reduce or eliminate any extra stress in his life so he can concentrate 100% on his studies. (BTW I would have loved to have this opportunity when I was younger!) Craig realizes the gift he is being given because we talked about it while he was in High School and set a few ground rules at that time. The primary ground rule is no drugs, next is no DUI's, also discussed was the issue of pregnancy planned or unplanned, girlfriend or one-nighter. These main items were 'no argument' issues and Criag knows that if he runs afoul of any of them, he gets a crash course in 'real life' as the gravy train stops immediately.

In our case, the rules are known and followed, but as you can see there are only a few hard and fast rules and none are too tough to keep on the right side of. Also, these rules apply in real life as well and transgression will screw up your life without the parents coming down on you, so I think we did a pretty good job. BUT he will still get money from Bdays and such and THAT money is his and not to be used to defray his considerable costs. THAT money is for his fun, NOT for paying bills. Whaddaryanuts?!?!?! OH well, if that is the worst I have to deal with then OK!



Oh crap!!! I forgot the advice.....sorry.

OK, I think that this episode presents a great opportunity to reconfigure the rules and regulations regarding your daughter. You may want to take a minute and confirm with her your stance on; premarital sex, co-habitation, pregnancy to mention just a few items. If done properly, your daughter will see your approval of the trip as a win and will not throw too much of a bitch regarding these other issues and the tightening of the rules that will change her life. My advice is to be ready to give a little on this issue and in return look towards tightening other items.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 1:07:33 PM EST
As a father of 5, 4 of them girls I would inform her of your disapproval of her going and if she does that her allowance will end, and stick to it. My daughters know that I will not finacially support them if they choose to do something I am against. To continue with her allowance undermines you. I don't believe in enabling them to make desicions against your better judgement. She has to learn with adult desicions come individual responsibility.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 1:30:40 PM EST

Originally Posted By XM-15:
As a father of 5, 4 of them girls I would inform her of your disapproval of her going and if she does that her allowance will end, and stick to it. My daughters know that I will not finacially support them if they choose to do something I am against. To continue with her allowance undermines you. I don't believe in enabling them to make desicions against your better judgement. She has to learn with adult desicions come individual responsibility.





This will encourage the daughter to lie about things from here on out. Bad advice. The dad isn't paying for the trip is he?? So he isn't enabling her to go out of town, he is enabling her to go to school.
Link Posted: 5/6/2004 1:36:57 PM EST
My view. Paying for her school,OK. Giving her an allowance, not if she goes.
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 3
Top Top