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Posted: 11/22/2007 12:19:32 PM EST
Playing on 92.5 FM in Cincinnati right now.

Is it a commie song or right in line with our beliefs?

I havent' heard it for 3 years. I guess I'll have to listen again to be sure.

I didn't care about anything 3 years ago. Now I'm very opinionated about things like this.

The song will be over in 30 minutes and I will be sure to add my harry eyeball and all sort of nasty stuff.
VP
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 12:23:10 PM EST
[#1]
It's a hippie anti-war song..but also a Thanksgiving tradition.

Maybe more anti-draft than anti-war?


This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's
Restaurant.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw our's down.

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
under that garbage."

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
police officer's station.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car."

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop
signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,
being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to
get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put
us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my
wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I
said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie
was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice
(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few
nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,
and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the
judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not
what I came to tell you about.

Came to talk about the draft.

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one
day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to
look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got
one question. Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,
with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever
go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want
you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,
and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
up and said.

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-
officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for
forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
following words:

("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm
sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,
kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and
said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints
off to Washington."

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
guitar.

With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
sing it when it does. Here it comes.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.

So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
harmony and feeling.

We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.

All right now.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Da da da da da da da dum
At Alice's Restaurant
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 12:27:56 PM EST
[#2]
Thanks for the text!

"mother rapers, father stabers's" quotated?
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 12:31:47 PM EST
[#3]
About 3 yrs ago I found out a coworker my age had never heard the song!

So I googled the lyrics, youtube blocked at work, and the little stoner about half our age comes strolling in. He heard me reading part of the lyrics and knew exactly what song it was.
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 12:40:11 PM EST
[#4]
stoner check
gun rights check
love the military check
hate the judicial system check


I guess I'm not one that drinks the koolaid.


I don't like higher taxes or restriction of gun rights. I feel that I shoud have all the fireamrs legaly that are availiable to criminals in this country.

So I guess I am anti authority and espically anti democrate.
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 12:41:46 PM EST
[#5]
Wish I still had it, but in HS I bought a guitar music song book by Arlo.

Alice's was in it, and so was a letter he wrote to the draft board, something like 'What if they gave a war, and nobody came.'

Said he wouldn't go to war.
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 12:57:59 PM EST
[#6]
Listening to it now...
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 12:58:27 PM EST
[#7]

Quoted:
Wish I still had it, but in HS I bought a guitar music song book by Arlo.

Alice's was in it, and so was a letter he wrote to the draft board, something like 'What if they gave a war, and nobody came.'

Said he wouldn't go to war.


I think it's sad that some would not answere the call. The US may need every man and woman eventually to protect it.

Will you fight for the American dream. Will you fight for the elected polititions or will you fight for you family and land.

What it will come down to is a fight for survival and religion.

It will be less of a fight for religon and more of a fight for a way of life.

The "terrorist want us to convert."

It is a war against some fucks that think they can create their own religions crusade.

Link Posted: 11/22/2007 1:03:21 PM EST
[#8]

Quoted:
The US may need every man and woman eventually to protect it.


That's an interesting idea, and I haven't thought much about it.

I wonder how the likes of Fonda, et al would react when the war comes knocking at their front door.

I'll bet that would finally make Baldwin move out of the U.S.
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 1:10:04 PM EST
[#9]

Quoted:

Quoted:
The US may need every man and woman eventually to protect it.


That's an interesting idea, and I haven't thought much about it.

I wonder how the likes of Fonda, et al would react when the war comes knocking at their front door.

I'll bet that would finally make Baldwin move out of the U.S.


Their answer will be deplomicy.

Lets all try and and change religions. I love Ala and he tells me to murder the infidels?

I dont' believe in anything but I will aim true none the less.
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 1:15:19 PM EST
[#10]
I know a "wittness" that won't pick up arms to protect this country.

Sounds like its part of their religion.
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 1:17:27 PM EST
[#11]
I'm trying to find his letter to the draft board, and can only find one link - and I don't think it has the entire letter.

Link Posted: 11/22/2007 1:24:08 PM EST
[#12]

Quoted:
I know a "wittness" that won't pick up arms to protect this country.

Sounds like its part of their religion.


Maybe because he knows that others would give their first born. Pluss we would win and that munk type would teach us how to make bread because all of the real infow and ment were kill in the warz.


I concidder the amish, Munk like.

They are the last stand of civilization and should be protected by all means.
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 2:06:33 PM EST
[#13]
I don't give a hoot in hell about the politics of Alice's Resturant.  I love the song/poem/story.

It reminds me of Thanksgivings of days gone by driving with my late brother on Thanksgiving listening to 102.7 WNEW when I lived in NJ. We would drive around at noon just to listen to that song. We would laugh and shake hands and wish each other a Happy Thanksgiving when the song ended.

It has been 9 years since I shook his hand, but I still wish him the best after I hear that song.
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 3:33:48 PM EST
[#14]
I used to have a photo of my shooting buddies sitting on a couch with a large sign over it that said "GROUP W"

Link Posted: 11/22/2007 3:42:31 PM EST
[#15]
I am usually the first one to bash a movie/song/book because of any political deviance, but even I don't care about the "message" behind Alice's Restaurant.

It's just a really good, funny folk song, and a big Thanksgiving tradition. I just got done listening to it all the way through. I love that song.

EDIT:

Fun fact...did you know that the officer that posed for this famous Norman Rockwell painting is none other than officer Obie?



Rockwell was from the same town Alice's restaurant was in, and used him for the painting before the events from the song took place.

Cool, huh?
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 4:04:02 PM EST
[#16]
On XM 840 right now...  8:00 CST
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 4:08:51 PM EST
[#17]
I met Alice in a bar when I was 16. I was a bit of a pool shark and my step dad used to take me out with him to play people. Alice tried to pick me up. She was fairly old then. Even though I was a young man anxious to get my XXXX wet, I would not have done her

Bomber
Link Posted: 11/22/2007 6:29:16 PM EST
[#18]
Mark my words, somebody, somewhere is going to sue a radioa station, and Arlo Guthrie, because he says faggot in the song, and the radio idn't bleep it either time today, that I heard it.

It is also a 27 minute long stoner joke. A stoner will take 27 minutes to tell you a 5 minute story, because they go off on tangents, like "father rapin", "27 8-10 glossy photographs that were to be used as evidence aginst us", etc., etc., etc.
You end up geting 4 5/7ths worth of stories in what was intended to be a 5 minute single story.

I disagree with Arlo's politics in general, and the one's in the song specifically, however it is a brilliant song in my opinion, and very well done.
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 4:01:42 AM EST
[#19]
Alice's Restaurant has been played in my house, every thanksgiving, for close to 25 years. It has become a family tradition though I struggle with it because of the hippy anti-war crap which I think is hugely inappropriate while we have brave American men and woman on battlefields around the world who are not home with their families. THEY are among the many things I'm thankful for but very near the top. How fortunate are we that we have such fine fellow Americans who make such sacrifice for the freedom we cherish.
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 4:22:11 AM EST
[#20]
I remember listening to 'Alice' on two Thanksgiving's while in Vietnam and I don't recall anyone being offended by it.  


and BTW....  y'all DO know the song is based on a actual event on Thanksgiving day in 1965 involving Arlo and his friend Rick.


YOUTHS ORDERED TO CLEAN UP RUBBISH MESS

LEE -- Because they couldn't find a dump open in Great Barrington, two youths threw a load of refuse down a Stockbridge hillside on Thanksgiving Day.

Saturday, Richard J. Robbins, 19, of Poughkeepsie, N. Y., and Arlo Guthrie, 18, of Howard Beach, N. Y., each paid a fine of $25 in Lee District Court after pleading guilty of illegally disposing of rubbish. Special Justice James E. Hannon ordered the youths to remove all the rubbish. They did so Saturday afternoon, following a heavy rain

Police Chief William J. Obanhein of Stockbridge said later the youths found dragging the junk up the hillside much harder than throwing it down. He said he hoped their case would be an example to others who are careless about disposal of rubbish.

The junk included a divan, plus nearly enough bottles, garbage, papers and boxes to fill their Volkswagen bus.

"The stuff would take up at least half of a goodsized pickup truck," Chief Obanhein said.

The rubbish was thrown into the Nelson Foote Sr. property on Prospect Street, a residential section of Stockbridge consisting largely of estates on the hill across from Indian Hilil [sic] School.

Chief Obanhein told the court he spent "a very disagreeable two hours" looking through the rubbish before finding a clue to who had thrown it there. He finally found a scrap of paper bearing the name of a Great Barrington man. Subsequent investigation indicated Robbins and Guthrie had been visiting the Great Barrington man and had agreed to cart away the rubbish for him. They told the court that, when they found the Barrington dump closed, they drove around and then disposed of the junk by tossing it over the Stockbridge hillside.
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 5:00:25 AM EST
[#21]

Quoted:
It's a hippie anti-war song..but also a Thanksgiving tradition.

Maybe more anti-draft than anti-war?



Come on, did you ever know a hippy that was pro war, just anti draft?

It is a turkey day tradition though. I missed it yesterday, was too busy.
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 8:44:52 PM EST
[#22]

Quoted:
I am usually the first one to bash a movie/song/book because of any political deviance, but even I don't care about the "message" behind Alice's Restaurant.

It's just a really good, funny folk song, and a big Thanksgiving tradition. I just got done listening to it all the way through. I love that song.

EDIT:

Fun fact...did you know that the officer that posed for this famous Norman Rockwell painting is none other than officer Obie?

imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/TEL/5680~Norman-Rockwell-Runaway-Posters.jpg

Rockwell was from the same town Alice's restaurant was in, and used him for the painting before the events from the song took place.

Cool, huh?


Speaking of Office Obie    www.arlo.net/obie.shtml

I also happened to hear the "new and updated version" twice yesterday too. Not as good as the origional.
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 10:15:04 PM EST
[#23]
Arlo has some other greats as well,I don't want to eat a pickle just want to ride my motercycle!
Bob
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 10:26:36 PM EST
[#24]

Quoted:
'What if they gave a war, and nobody came.'


I have that poster from the 60s, it was mounted on
plywood by a family member and I later inherited it
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 10:28:51 PM EST
[#25]

Quoted:
Arlo has some other greats as well,I don't want to eat a pickle just want to ride my motercycle!
Bob


If he wrote that one, didn't he also write

"I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my
plastic Jesus sitting on the dashboard of my car"?
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 11:04:04 PM EST
[#26]
Look out there she comes  she's coming  ,look out theres shes gone shes gone heading down the road just like a one-eyed cyalone!

And ain't funny like an old broken bottle ,looks just like a diamond ring!

Bob
Link Posted: 11/23/2007 11:20:02 PM EST
[#27]
As a kid I grew up listening to this song on my dad's 8-track in his van and the house. We listened to it every year on Thanksgiving.

When I joined the Navy nearly 20 years ago, I began sharing this song with whom ever was at my house for Thanksgiving dinner.

Politics aside, it is a great song, and a Thanksgiving tradition world wide.
Link Posted: 11/24/2007 4:04:36 AM EST
[#28]
Not trying to hijack but here's an obscure tune from an artist named Jamie Brockett that had his own little story to tell.

Legend of the U.S.S. Titanic
by Jaime Brockett

"It was back around the turn of the centuries, back around nineteen hundred & thirteen there was a negro pugilist his name was Jack Johnson. Now old Jack Johnson he was the toughest man in the whole wide world he used walk around whoppin' people up side the head 'n makin' all sorts of money.

Like I say ol' Jack Johnson he was a pugilist, he was a pugilist by preference and by profession and one day ol' Jack came walkin' on down by the pierside. He's just walkin on down. His manager come walkin' on down by the pierside.

He says "uh, hi, Jack"
He says "hi manager"
He says "whatcha doin'?"
He says "I'm just walkin' on down by the pierside."
He says "what's up?"
He says "I gotta gig for ya"
He says "ya gotta gig for me?"
He says "that's right"
He says "where abouts?"
He says "over in England"
He says "hmm... what'm I gonna do over there?"
He says "well you goin' up n' whop this guy up side the head n' make all sorts of money."

Ol' Jack says "That's groovy baby. That's really groovy you give me a ticket on the next flight out"
He said "ticket on the next flight out?!? This is nineteen hundred n' thirteen. Why the Wright brothers haven't even started foolin' around with Kitty Hawk yet"
He said "uhh.. who's she?"

It was midnight on the sea, the band was playing "Nearer My God To Thee". Fare thee well Titanic, fare thee well.

Ol' Jack says "Well how'm I gonna get there baby?"
n' He says "ohhh I'm gonna show ya" and he whips open a newspaper n' shows him a picture of the USS Titanic.

Folks, she's the world's biggest ship she's made outta good wood and good iron they said she'd never go down.

He says "you mean I'm goin' over on the boat"
n' he says "that's right baby you're goin on the boat"
n' he says "well, let's go get some tickets so they head on down to the ticket taker's place."

He walks on up to the ticket taker he walks on in n' he says "hey man I wanna buy me some tickets"
He said "gotta red ticket green ticket yellow ticket blue ticket what kinda ticket you want?"
He says "I wanna red one"
He gave him some loot n' he laid it on him.

So here's ol' Jack he's got his ticket now he takes everything he owns he wraps it on up in a diaper n' he hangs it on a stick over his back n' goes headin' on down by the pierside.

He gettin' on down by the pierside his manager's down there by the pierside n' here she is folks - the USS Titanic! She's lined up beside two hundred n' fifty parkin' meters n' the Captain's gettin' done ready to split 'cause he run outta dimes.

Now around this time there was an Italian senator n' the state house n' all Italian senators done got brothers own construction companies n' this one had a brother he owned a construction company n' the Titanic she was made outta good Italian wood, good Italian iron they said she'd never go down.

So there's ol' Jack standin' on the bottom got everything he owns wrapped on up in that diaper hangin' on a stick over his back. He shakes hands with his manager goes walkin' on up the gangplank. The Captain standin' on the top. He get up onto the top n' the Captain he look at the ticket…
he look at the ticket
he look at Jack,
he look at the ticket
he look at Jack,
he look at the ticket
he look at Jack,
he look at the ticket
he look at Jack,
lookita
He says "sorry baby wrong color."
He says "me or the ticket?"
n' he says "you."

Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.

So Jack say's "It's all right baby it's all right I'm gonna sit right here on the pier and watch you go right on down."

So the Titanic she sails on out into the North sea she's out there floatin' around in and out between the icebergs n' ol' Jack's standin' on the pier. I'm gonna tell ya 'bout the people on the Titanic now.

First of all there's a whole bunch of Jewish people from Miami.
They're jumpin' up n' down
They're laughin'.
They're drinkin' booze.
They're tradin' wives
n' Cadillacs
n' diamonds
n' havin' all sorts of good clean party fun.

Then there was the people that run the boat. Now the people that run the boat they know all about runnin' boats.
They know all about hoistin' up land lubbers
n' battenin' down hatches
n' doin' all sorts of other good things
like... all good sailors do in the far away sea.

Then there was the Captain.
Now the Captain he knows how to walk like a captain,
write like a captain,
walk like a captain,
talk like a captain,
smell like a captain,
eat like a captain,
do all sorts of captain things.

Then there was the first mate. Now I gotta tell ya bout the first mate. Now the first mate,
he don't know nothin' about Jewish parties.
He don't know nothing about hoistin' up land lubbers.
He don't know nothin' about captains.
He uh he wants to go on over to England he wants to play his guitar.
He wanna run around n' chase women n' have all sorts of good... times.

Anyways this fella', his sideburns they're just a little too long. He giving way, see. He… he been down in Mexico he been down in Mexico. He been workin' in this rope factory down in Mexico now. Down in Mexico they make rope outta this funny little hemp plant that grows wild in the ground. Some of you people... grow it in flower pots under your bed… ehh Anyways, he's down there and he's… he's makin' rope outta this funny marijuana plant... One day the rope factory she catch fire n' he runs back on in to save his lunch - he's got two sardine sandwiches - runnin' back on in to save his lunch he gets inside n' there's all this funny smoke floatin' around up inside n'.. he gets some of this funny smoke up inside his head n'.. he sit down in the middle o' de' fire n' he say, "shhhhhhhhhhhit baby, I ain't gonna make rope no more!"

So he takes everything he owns he wraps it up on into a diaper and a knapsack too n' he… he headin' on to the Titanic he gets to the Titanic he standin' on the bottom walkin' on up the gang plank n' the Captain's standin' on the top n' the Captain says "What you got boy?"
He says "I'm comin' on"
He says "WHAT YOU GOT!"
He says "well I got me two changes of BVD's. I got me my guitar. I got me my address book, a... pair of socks, 4 masked marvel comic books, a tennis racquet and four hundred n' ninety-seven n' a half feet o' rope."

He says "four hundred n' ninety seven n' a half feet o' rope! whadaya got that for?"

He says.. "I just carry it."

So he says "it's all right. Go on board, go on board" and he did.

It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.

That brings us up to what's happenin' now - the Titanic she's floatin' around in and out between the icebergs, the Jewish people they partyin' they tradin' wives n' Cadillacs n' diamonds they drinkin' booze n' havin' all sorts of party fun, everybody else is hoistin' up land lubbers n' battenin' down hatches, the First Mate he's hangin' over the rail, he's havin' himself a little smoke... he's diggin' the icebergs. havin' himself a little smoke n' it's the Captain's time to do his thing. The Captain comes on out (remember I told you about the captain - he knows how to walk like captain write like captain talk like... all sorts of captain things). He comes on out n' he's standin' now. His thing right now is that he's gotta go out n' test the wind. So he casts his nose up into the north wind n' he goes...... ......


He walks on over to the First Mate.
He says "hey first mate what's that you smokin'?"
He says.. "that ain't nothin' but a little ol' cigarette captain"
n' he says "I don't believe it. Gimme a puff"
n' he says "alright."

So the captain takes himself a little puff. Nothin' happened right away.
He says "it's alright, it's alright. It's just a cigarette. I'm goin' for a walk" And that's what he did, folks. He went for a walk. He went.. he went out walkin' around the boat he went walkin' toward the wheelhouse he.. he walked around.

He walked around the wheelhouse once....... He walked around the wheelhouse twice....... On the third time around the wheelhouse....... The First Mate he looked on over at the Captain n'....... N' he say....... You wanna 'nother toke, Captain?...... And the Captain, he say....... RIGHT!!!!!!!!

So this time he's gonna tell the captain a little bit about this smoke that he's smokin'. He says "now the idea, Captain, the idea is to get this smoke way down deep inside your tummy n' hold it there just as long as you can it'll make you head feel good all inside. So the Captain says alright he takes himself three big tokes off that funny little brown weed n'
He says "I am commencing to hold it in!"

He walked around the wheelhouse.
He went downstairs
He laid down.
He get up he ran in the other room.
He sent a radiogram.
He came on back in.
He took a shower.
He come out.
He shaved.
He laid down.
He got up again.
He turned on the television.
He turned off the radio.
He played a game of cribbage.
He read his masked marvel comic book.
He walked thru the kitchen,
made a cup of tea,
made a cup of coffee,
sat down,
ate a piece of pie,
went upstairs,
played another game of cribbage,
went back in,
finished his other masked marvel comic book,
laid down,
he had the television, the radio, the egg beater, the air conditioner n'everything's all goin' at once. He walks up on deck and this is fifty two minutes later n' this cat ain't breathed yet!

So the First Mate see him standin' up there on the rail he's all puffed up like a balloon!
He says "ya gotta let it out, Captain!

So the Captain he let it all out at once.

Fallin' right down on the wheelhouse floor. He's out cold.

O-h-h-h, this just brings us up to what's happenin' again folks. The Titanic she's sailin' around in between the icebergs. Every body else is havin parties. The Jewish people they jumpin' up n' down they tradin' wives n' Cadillacs n' diamonds n' drinkin' booze. Everybody else is hoistin' up land lubbers, battenin' down hatches n' doin' sail things. The First Mate's hangin' over there on the rail havin' himself a little smoke n' diggin' icebergs. And the Captain's out cold on the wheelhouse floor.

It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.

All of a sudden.... the Captain's eyes popped wide open. He stood right up straight..... Grabs a hold o' de wheel.... Looks on out at the bow o' dat boat n' he say "I'M GONNA MOVE YOU BABY!"

And he did right on into an iceberg n' she went right on down.

It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.

That's the true story of the Titanic, folks. She went right to the bottom. She took with her all the Jewish people, all the first mates. She took with him the Captain. She took with him the land lubbers. She took with him the masked marvel comic books, the tennis racquet and four hundred n' ninety-seven n' a half feet o' rope.

Meanwhile back on the stateside, ol' Jack Johnson… why he's standin' up on the pier he's fishin' away he's got himself a little stick n' a line n' he gets a tug he pulls it on up n' it's a big wet blue soggy mess n' on the inside on the lining written in big gold letters it says "USS Titanic" and stuck right above it was a wet roach.

That boy was so happy he started doin' the eagle rock up n' down that pier like it's goin' outta style he go... He gonna do the eagle rock now everybody in for the eagle rock. Oh rock!

It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.

Fare thee well Titanic goin down!"



AB
Link Posted: 11/24/2007 8:30:47 AM EST
[#29]
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