Your favorite Jack Handy quotes. Post them.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Your favorite Jack Handy quotes. Post them.

Posted: 12/17/2010 5:25:01 AM EDT

“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”

Posted: 12/17/2010 5:28:27 AM EDT

[#1]

“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”

Posted: 12/17/2010 5:28:45 AM EDT

[#2]

"If you ever happen to drop your keys into a pool of molten lava, don't try to get them because man.....they're gone.

Posted: 12/17/2010 5:28:48 AM EDT

[#3]

"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you."

Posted: 12/17/2010 5:30:49 AM EDT

[#4]

Quoted:
"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you."

Uh oh- don't make us start a better off dead thread..

.

Posted: 12/17/2010 5:41:48 AM EDT

[#5]

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Posted: 12/17/2010 5:44:42 AM EDT

[#6]

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

Posted: 12/17/2010 5:44:48 AM EDT

[#7]

“I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.”

“If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.”

“Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.”

Posted: 12/17/2010 6:47:50 AM EDT

[#8]

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

GM

Posted: 12/17/2010 6:51:40 AM EDT

[#9]

Quoted:
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

GM

That and the keys and lava one are my favorites. My girlfriend likes Jack Handey too (and even has a book of his quotes) so when I made a jack-o-lantern one year I stabbed a "YOU!" note in it. We laughed way too much over that.

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

Posted: 12/17/2010 6:56:28 AM EDT

[#10]

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

Posted: 12/17/2010 6:58:22 AM EDT

[#11]

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

Posted: 12/17/2010 6:58:44 AM EDT

[#12]

I miss those days. Alot.

Posted: 12/17/2010 6:58:58 AM EDT

[#13]

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."

Posted: 12/17/2010 6:59:11 AM EDT

[#14]

The crows seem to be calling my name, thought Caw.

Posted: 12/17/2010 6:59:27 AM EDT

[#15]

Quoted:
"If you ever happen to drop your keys into a pool of molten lava, don't try to get them because man.....they're gone.

my fav

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:03:41 AM EDT

[#16]

"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:09:05 AM EDT

[#17]

these are hilarious!!! please forgive me arfcom GD, but who is this man?

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:13:20 AM EDT

[#18]

Jack Handy

They were featured on SNL for years.

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:33:48 AM EDT

[#19]

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason

And TAG

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:37:04 AM EDT

[#20]

I always thought Al Franken did those... Good to find out he wasn't involved.

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:40:01 AM EDT

[#21]

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:41:59 AM EDT

[#22]

“If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody.
That Alien!”

(I remember that one from National Lampoon magazine.)

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:43:33 AM EDT

[#23]

Quoted:
Jack Handy

They were featured on SNL for years.

He also wrote for National Lampoon magazine a bit back in the early 80's. Sometimes they would run pages of these. Most were later re-presented on SNL.

"The shipwrecked sailor watched the shark circling closer and closer. His eyes were cold and lifeless. So were the shark's."

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:48:51 AM EDT

[#24]

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep like Grandpa, and not screaming like the six people in the car he was driving.

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:51:40 AM EDT

[#25]

"I'm not afraid of ants taking over the world. It would take, like, a thousand ants just to hold a gun, never mind point it at me. And you know what I would do while the thousand ants struggled to point the gun at me? I'd quietly slip off to the side, and then suddenly rush up and kick the gun out of their hands!"

Posted: 12/17/2010 7:54:15 AM EDT

[#26]

If I had a dollar for every dollar I ever spent I'd have all my money back!

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

Posted: 12/17/2010 8:14:44 AM EDT

[#27]

“If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.”

“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”

“A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby."

GM

Posted: 12/17/2010 8:16:51 AM EDT

[#28]

Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do, you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Your favorite Jack Handy quotes. Post them.

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