Posted: 8/23/2004 11:12:48 PM EST
We havent done one of these in awhile...
Your momma is so tactical:
When she brushes her teeth, she uses a Camelbak to rinse with (Made up at Winston_Wolf's Party last weekend)
Instead of Vagasil, Summers Eve, and KY ...she uses CLP
Her eyeglasses are made by Bolle'
Her purse is made by Blackhawk Industries
She uses Hellstorm Gloves as oven mitts
She leaves picatinny rail marks in her drawers
Yo Mama So Tactical:
her perfume is made by Breakfree
she didn't know Mozambique was a country.
her vehicle lights are taped over to maintain light discipline.
she think Burt Gummer ain't tryin' hard enough.
she rewrap her kitchen knives with paracord.
when she park her car on the drive, she cover it with camo netting.
She don't smoke nothin' out on patrol,
she switched to Beech-Nut.
She taped her jewerly down so it don't be jingle-janglin'.
She gots Light Green and Loam fer eyeliner
She got a sound suppressor and a trigger job done on her vaccume cleaner.
She got a second pistol grip on her hand mixer.
She got a "zipline" to her mail box.
She got a wormcam for a peep hole on her front door.
Her minivan's a Armored Hummer H2.
She got carbon-fiber Kiddie-seats.
Her seatbelts are "Kevlar webbing restraint systems".
She got a bathrobe made-a aramid fibre with a trauma plate.
She calls the Bridge club speed-dialer her "Squad-automatic."
She calls washing-up before dinner the "Decontam Protocol".
She gotta credit-line at Spyderco.
She cuts birthday cake with Cold Steel.
She gotta laser sight on the garden-hose nozzle.
Her nightgown is a ghillie suit.
She makes your dad sleep in shifts, so they can maintain 50% security.
Her idea of dinner out is an MRE, eaten in the backyard.
Instead of taking you to Disney World, she took you to GunSite.
When you scraped your knee as a kid, she wrapped it in a field dressing.
She was asked to stop teaching your Boy Scout Troop how to lay an ambush.
When you came home late as a teenager, she had booby-trapped the front door.
She issues an OPORDER, Warning Orders, and FRAGOS whenever you leave the house.
She has a terrain model of your neighborhood in the basement.
At bedtime, instead of saying your prayers, she makes you recite the Ranger Creed.
she shops in a zig zag pattern
she keeps her toll change on a stripper clip.
her driver's license picture is distorted for 'security reasons'.
she knows all of the words of the theme music to 'SWAT'.
when she buys meat at the grocer, she tells him to 'tag it and bag it'
There's no talking at the dinner table, only hand and arm signals are allowed.
she has formation lights on her hummer.
SWAT comes to her for pointers.
SWAT asks if they can train in the back yard.
California tried to ban her.
Yo momma's so tactical that she makes you "slice the pie" when go into the kitchen for a midnight snack.
she wakes you up for school with a flash-bang.
she yells "all clear!" whenever she leaves a room.
She ain't the 'da bomb'..... She's the Theater Nuclear Delivery System!!!!!
daubs camouflage paint on for makeup
uses a 50 cal ammo can for a purse
thinks a ghillie suit is an evening gown
has nothing but Cold steel for cutlery in her kitchen
uses a baton for a meat tenderizer
uses a RCBS 10-10 scale to measure when she bakes or cooks
use a powder trickler to spread sugar over the cookies
serves stew from a bullet casting ladle
wears 30 caliber bullets on a chain for a necklace
serves MREs for fast food
allows other drivers to speed ahead so they can "de-mine" the road for her
thinks the garden is a perfect place for the air raid shelter
Her and dad dance back-to-back so they can "cover" the room
Gave up knitting because it was so difficult to find Kevlar yarn.
Once pistol-whipped a clown at Chucky Cheese for making her quarter disappear
the bingo prizes at her church group are all firearms.
her front license plate reads, "let me tell you about my gun collection" instead of "let me tell you about my grandchildren."
when you complain that you are cold, she has you do push ups and sit ups for 30 minutes to warm up.
she won't let you go outside without the "colour of the day."
she directs your playing of "cops and robbers" with your friends.
her travel club lists Blackwater and Thunder Ranch on their schedule.
she shows you how to break the arm of the schoolyard bully who is shaking you down for your lunch money.
the school makes her walk through the metal detectors three times before she can come to parent-teacher night.
you hydrate before bed, not ask for a glass of water.
she refers to sending you off to school in the morning as "getting you trained up."
her little black book has phone numbers for Col. Cooper, Dick Marcinko, and R. Lee Ermey.
she uses Nomex potholders.
she uses Thermite in her slow cooker.
she uses Outers Gun Wipes instead of Wet Ones.
the cookie jar has a 1917A1 w/ motion detector.
her Grandmama taught her how to field strip a BAR.
soccer moms fear her.
instead of a dozen roses, she wants hubby to bring her a dozen MRE's.
she don't have a handbag, she got a bug out bag.
she use FP-10 instead of cinnamon when cooking.
she don't use plastic-ware, she use polymer-ware.
She thinks DD-214 is a bathroom cleanser.
She thinks that 'Ranger T' is made by Celestial Seasonings.
She taught her bridge club to hold their cards in Position Sul.
She thinks that Pat Rogers is Fred Roger's little brother7
She doesn't lock up the house at night, she secures the perimeter.
She "tactically reloads" the TP rolls
she taught you how to field strip a AR15 before you could read.
you got off the school bus at a local range.
the ATF calls her to find out what's legal her area.
she taught you the "Rifle Creed" before the ABC's.
she taught you the four rules, before you could count to four.
local police have her on speedial.
she doesnt wear a necklace, because it gets tied up with her dog tags.
you have a panic room.
Sarah Connor called her for tips.
she dress you in BDUs for school, and SBA with trauma plates and balaclava's for your football game.
Wears a kevlar shroud when she load
the oven with Thanksgivin' turkey
and yell "fire in the hole"
when she turns on the gas
when she wave to the neighbors, she use a Emerson Commander to do it
she keep the number of the Million Mom March on speed dial in case she needs directed fire.
stead of whole-wheat, her bread dough is C4.
she carve the Easter ham with a smatchet.
her curling iron has a light rail
she uses the text of the AWB as a shopping list.
she taught you to field strip, clean & fire the most widely used assault rifles, subguns and pistols before you were allowed to go to kindergarden.
She gave you an M1 carbine for your fifth birthday.saying..'its a good little starter gun, son'
she has reinforced cement flower pots at the perimeter of her 'command post' to deter suicide truck bomber's.
she has camoflagued sand bag bunkers in strategic locations in the yard.
she built a reinforced platform in the roof of the house(permit said sunbathing) for a camera platform and to house the remote control MK19.
She painted claymores to match the exterior decor of the 'command post', pointed outboard and wired into the panic room(she calls it OpsHQ)...next to the bank of video monitors and joy stick for the autoloading grenade launcher.
She calls the lawn the 'freefire zone'.
Langley, SpecOps Command, SAS Delta Force and the Pentagon have her number on speeddial.
On your birthday cake, the candles had a strange resemblance to sticks of TNT, she said...'blow out the fuses....FAST!!'
She is outlawed in 6 countries(well eight, but the other two no longer exist...perhaps because of her visit).
She has a mini- mine dispenser and smoke screen on the aft end of her personal hummer. And two rocket tubes on the roof for 'traffic jams'.
She holds 'morning briefing' and 'threat assesment' everyday before the family departs.
She has downloaded photos of all her 'favorite' personalities from global news, hollywood and certain political figures to be printed up for target practice.
Instead of UPS and FedEx, her deliveries come in dark armored vans with tinted windows and no identifying features.
She has a chopper pad in the backyard...that gets used!
Her satalite dishes have little to do with televised entertainment.
She has a sign at the front gate, saying 'stick to the sidewalk, I am getting older and forgot where I put all the mines!'
When the Neighbors stray poodle 'found' one of the mines last summer, she administer the coup de grace with an MP5SD! And said something about having a nice stew for dinner.
she was so tactical your baby stroller had a blast deflection panel in the bottom, and Trelleborg "run-flats" for wheels.
You didn't realize that clothes came in colors other than OD, sage, black, or camo until you went to school...
She took the ladder off of the bunk bed so you would be forced to PLF from the top bunk...
Her bedtime stories have a bodycount.
She chops her veggies with a K-Bar.
Daily instuctions are given via handsignals to maintain noise discipline.
Her favorite cookbook involves the word "anarchist" in it's title.
Your mama's home schooling has a 80% washout rate even with vigorus prescreening and assignment to a neighborhood PT platoon.
There's no kitchen in your home, just a chow hall.
Family vacations are refered to as FEXs and are preceeded with a warning order and end with an after action report
No phone call to mom [break]to pick you up after school, [break]just an extraction request via your parenatlly issued SINGARS.
You have not a name, but a call sign.
She holds formation before you leave for school.
No birthdays as the chidren's years go by, just promotions for time in rate.
Anything to be taught starts with "I am your mother, and this period of instruction will......"