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Posted: 7/21/2008 11:25:23 AM EDT
If you awoke to find yourself transported back 316 years to the Puritian colony of Salem Massachusetts, do you think you could explain (in detail) your current occupation to the local townsfolk without being accused of witchcraft?
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:26:50 AM EDT
If I was transported back in time with my Glock still in it's holster, I'll tell the townsfolk whatever the fuck I think they need to hear.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:29:44 AM EDT
I'm red headed, left handed, and Catholic. There's nothing I can say or do, no matter how diplomatically and tactfully, that would save me.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:31:10 AM EDT
I doubt I'd be able to explain it in any terms. I hardly bother to do so now. It mostly makes eyes glaze over.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:31:16 AM EDT
I'm an atheist with not a buckle nor britch on me, and likely a full head taller than those guys. Bring it on.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:32:00 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 11:33:53 AM EDT by Alien]
I would use my futuristic knowledge and expertise from watching the television show to go MacGuyver on them and build a tank from within my cell to break out and demolish the whole town.

Realistically? I don't know. Anybody from today's time period will act and talk much differently from anybody of that one. They'd probably think you were nuts for that alone. You could try and explain it all using knowledge of the history of the outright murders they committed. Try and get them to burn the ring leader instead.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:32:04 AM EDT

Originally Posted By mr0w1:
I'm red headed, left handed, and Catholic. There's nothing I can say or do, no matter how diplomatically and tactfully, that would save me.


lol



I wouldn't talk to anyone. I'd play mute. Then secretly pull a Tony Stark in the blacksmith shop and rule the world.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:32:26 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 11:32:51 AM EDT by peekay]
Fuck em, i'd be headed to Texas
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:32:49 AM EDT
ummm. no i don't think so but since there is no electricity then why would i have to explain a computer to them in the first place. now the cloths would be difficult to explain since i am wearing a donkey kong shirt and a mario bros hat. that one could be interesting and i could very well find myself in the tank for wearing something that looks to be "in league" with the devil.

do we get to be armed for this exercise???
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:34:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Subnet:
If I was transported back in time with my Glock still in it's holster, I'll tell the townsfolk whatever the fuck I think they need to hear.


Sorry Subnet, but your Glock and all your clothing disappeared during your trip back in time. You are standing naked in the town center at 11:00am on market day. What now?
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:36:13 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 11:39:14 AM EDT by Subnet]

Originally Posted By Coleslaw64:

Originally Posted By Subnet:
If I was transported back in time with my Glock still in it's holster, I'll tell the townsfolk whatever the fuck I think they need to hear.


Sorry Subnet, but your Glock and all your clothing disappeared during your trip back in time. You are standing naked in the town center at 11:00am on market day. What now?


Then, I'd pose for the ladies.

EDIT: After I told them a witch stole my clothes, and tried to have her way with me. "She went that away!". Once the men folk are out of sight in the woods looking for the wicked one, it's "Helooooo ladies".
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:36:59 AM EDT
I'm Roman Catholic, I wouldn't stand a chance with those types.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:37:46 AM EDT
I can't rememer....if I weigh more than a duck or less than a duck that makes me a witch
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:38:28 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 11:42:03 AM EDT by luger355]
im a welder as such it wouldn't be too hard to pass myself off as a poor quality blacksmith. ive also spent my whole life living in a small close minded christian reformed town founded by the dutch.

it wouldn't be all that different, so id be safe
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:39:05 AM EDT
I design computer chips for a living. We even call some of the stuff that happens in the FAB "Black Majic".

There is no way I would survive the Puritans if I even attempted to tell them what I do.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:40:04 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Cypselus:
I doubt I'd be able to explain it in any terms. I hardly bother to do so now. It mostly makes eyes glaze over.


Good point. I have a hard enough time trying to explain what I do in modern times.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:40:13 AM EDT
Become a blacksmith and start building automatic weapons.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:41:23 AM EDT
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:42:18 AM EDT
I'd just bow to whoever is in charge, and say

"I have come as summoned, master"

I might die, but I'll take a ringleader down with me. Hopefully, the sane ones of the bunch would use that as an excuse to get rid of the others in the ringleaders "coven".
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:44:21 AM EDT
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:45:22 AM EDT
If I had my laptop with me, I'd distract them with hot, asian, girl-girl porn and make my get away during the furious fapping.

Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:46:41 AM EDT
There is no way I could explain what I do... and to take the corollary of what I do back to what they had in those days, I'd be a woodcut artist! I've never done that.

I would just tell them I am a Constable.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:47:36 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TheCynic:
If I had my laptop with me, I'd distract them with hot, asian, girl-girl porn and make my get away during the furious fapping.



their all english, best to use unshaven toothless scotts instead.


Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:49:03 AM EDT
Fuck with me and I'll make the sun go bye bye!!
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:49:13 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 11:55:23 AM EDT by _DR]

Originally Posted By peekay:
Fuck em, i'd be headed to Texas


Where the Cherokee and Commanche would have scalped you and taken your family as slaves.

And if you survived that, the Spanish would have taken you to one of their outposts and made you dig latrines for the Spanish colonists.

Texas was not even close to settled in 1692.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:50:38 AM EDT
It was all about stealing land.

The "witches" were widows with land and accusers were neighbors that wanted it.

Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:52:11 AM EDT
If I did explain my current occupation then they would lose all hope for the future and collectively poison themselves on a noxious potion of mayapples, sweet woodruff and the dung of the meadow vole.

Time travel can be very dangerous.

Especially if you have a boring job.



Link Posted: 7/21/2008 11:52:24 AM EDT

Originally Posted By _DR:

Originally Posted By peekay:
Fuck em, i'd be headed to Texas


Where the Cherokee and Commanche would have scalped you and taken your family as slaves.

Texas was not even close to settled in 1692.


Nobody enslaves peekay on my watch.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:02:15 PM EDT
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:06:08 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By TangoFoxtrot:
It was all about stealing land.

The "witches" were widows with land and accusers were neighbors that wanted it.



and I know how to draft up the deeds! Get some kindling and a torch


Fortunately, our profession hasn't changed in 400 years.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:07:38 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ScaryBlackGuns:

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By TangoFoxtrot:
It was all about stealing land.

The "witches" were widows with land and accusers were neighbors that wanted it.



and I know how to draft up the deeds! Get some kindling and a torch


Fortunately, our profession hasn't changed in 400 years.


Lawyers burn good, hell is full of em.


Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:12:31 PM EDT

Originally Posted By MrClean4Hire:

Originally Posted By ScaryBlackGuns:

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By TangoFoxtrot:
It was all about stealing land.

The "witches" were widows with land and accusers were neighbors that wanted it.



and I know how to draft up the deeds! Get some kindling and a torch


Fortunately, our profession hasn't changed in 400 years.


Lawyers burn good, hell is full of em.




Now you have just proven that we are witches because everyone knows that things that burn are made of wood. Dammit.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:25:28 PM EDT
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:27:40 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Subnet:
If I was transported back in time with my GlockStick of Fire still in it's holster, I'll tell the townsfolk whatever the fuck I think they need to hear.


Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:28:06 PM EDT
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:30:27 PM EDT
well, the conversation would start with me saying

"Listen up you primitive knuckle heads"

Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:30:29 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By MrClean4Hire:

Originally Posted By ScaryBlackGuns:

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By TangoFoxtrot:
It was all about stealing land.

The "witches" were widows with land and accusers were neighbors that wanted it.



and I know how to draft up the deeds! Get some kindling and a torch


Fortunately, our profession hasn't changed in 400 years.


Lawyers burn good, hell is full of em.




Don't make me turn you into a newt!

I could always invent the class action lawsuit a couple of hundred years early!


Have you been accused of witchcraft?

Do you know someone who has?

Call 1-800-AIMLESS

We are not certified specialist in any type of law.
No representation is made that the quality of the legal services to be performed is greater than the quality of legal services performed by other lawyers.
Unless otherwise noted, not certified by the Queens Board of Legal Specialization.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:32:14 PM EDT
I am an atheist chemist. I would be fine though. It would be easy to create some experiments and call myself Jesus.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:36:53 PM EDT
Are we assuming that we eat the crazy making moldy grain or that we only eat pure foods?

Because if I eat the psychedelic rust wheat.....well....to the stake I go...
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:38:46 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 12:41:28 PM EDT by ScaryBlackGuns]

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By ScaryBlackGuns:


Fortunately, our profession hasn't changed in 400 years.


I may be the last of the guys who can shepardize with the paper books. "I think we learned that first semester..."


I think I learned about that first ... oh ... wai... I can Shepardize in a pinch, but Key Cite has made life so much easier.

Next week Aimless I will have to introduce you to my multifunction scanner-printer-fax so we can get rid of all those sheets of carbon paper.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:38:49 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By ScaryBlackGuns:


Fortunately, our profession hasn't changed in 400 years.


I may be the last of the guys who can shepardize with the paper books.[:// "I think we learned that first semester..."





I LIKED to Shep cases the old fashioned way.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:40:52 PM EDT
In fact, one of my ancestors was tried, convicted and hung for witchcraft.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Proctor
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:42:43 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 12:43:49 PM EDT by JHMC79]
After I explained to them how to grow 200 bu./acre corn and 60 bu./acre wheat. They would worship me and my "witchcraft."
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:52:03 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 12:52:42 PM EDT by _DR]

Originally Posted By MrClean4Hire:

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By MrClean4Hire:

Originally Posted By ScaryBlackGuns:

Originally Posted By Aimless:

Originally Posted By TangoFoxtrot:
It was all about stealing land.

The "witches" were widows with land and accusers were neighbors that wanted it.



and I know how to draft up the deeds! Get some kindling and a torch


Fortunately, our profession hasn't changed in 400 years.


Lawyers burn good, hell is full of em.




Don't make me turn you into a newt!

I could always invent the class action lawsuit a couple of hundred years early!


Have you been accused of witchcraft?

Do you know someone who has?

Call 1-800-AIMLESS


There were no phones to call with - you would have to pay the town crier to announce the service.


Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Hast thou been accused of witchcraft?

Dost thou know someone who hath?

Seek the penguin!
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:52:06 PM EDT
Bunch of ladies in the woods committing sexual acts
and you think I would not be in the middle of it?
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:52:47 PM EDT
Unfortunately I weigh the same as a Duck, so I'm fucked no matter what.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 12:59:28 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 1:12:06 PM EDT by cammobunker]
Considering my choice of religions, I'd say it's highly likely I'd probably be dancing a jig for the Devil in short order.

<-----------------------Practicing Wiccan


For the record, none of the the Salem "Witches" were burned. Nineteen were hung, one was pressed to death (crushed under a heavy weight) and no fewer than four and no more than seventeen died in prison. Also, seven of those known to have died were male. That sort of blows the "they were all victims of male conspiracy" feminist revisionist history right out of the water.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 1:04:34 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/21/2008 1:05:34 PM EDT by zombievt]

Originally Posted By cammobunker:
Considering my choice of religions, I'd say it's highly likely I'd probably be dancing a jig for the Devil in short order.
For the record, none of the the Salem "Witches" were burned. Nineteen were hung, one was pressed to death (crushed under a heavy weight) and no fewer than four and no more than seventeen died in prison. Also, seven of those known to have died were male.



Giles Corey. His last works were "More weight".


My wife and I went to Salem a few years back.
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 1:12:48 PM EDT
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 1:18:11 PM EDT
I would have to go all "charmed" on their ass.

My last name is Warren and Charmed was based on a fictional Warren from Virginia who got killed at Salem Mass.
I caught that little detail in the show because my Grandmother used to tell us stories about a witch in the family in the 1800's.

The Charmed character was based on a real Warren who was tried.

So I guess I'd be pretty much fucked.... I'd try to take out Cotton Mather and get my name in the history books.

If I gotta go through all this, can I at lease have Shannen Doherty corner?
Link Posted: 7/21/2008 1:19:35 PM EDT

Originally Posted By TheCynic:
If I had my laptop with me, I'd distract them with hot, asian, girl-girl porn and make my get away during the furious fapping.



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