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Posted: 7/21/2008 7:49:51 AM EDT
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on wild game in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into ugly women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Socialism to decide how to divide food to other liberals that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their 3 ounce serving of meat well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal men's women have higher testosterone levels than themselves. Further evolution of the testosterone laden women changed them into pseudo-men that are designated as the pitcher in gay relationships.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, actors, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals also invented the designated hitter rule because they felt it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic or home brew beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, mechanics, engineers, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off. There you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
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