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Posted: 12/11/2011 8:04:38 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/11/2011 8:15:18 PM EDT by maleante]
Well, not exactly... but that could have been the worst case scenario.

According to the police report, the husband was lying on the couch in his living room when his wife noticed her $15,000 ring was missing from the place she normally kept it.

...grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him...

...she put down the knife and walked over to him as he lay on the couch, the report said. She reached down and "firmly" grabbed his left testicle and refused to let go, authorities said.

The police report stated that she held on for about two minutes before finally releasing her grip.
When authorities arrived at the scene, a photo of the testicle showed red marks and bruises.


Picture by mustardtiger

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:05:45 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:06:31 PM EDT
They'd have had to take me to jail.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:07:44 PM EDT
My balls hurt just by reading that.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:09:08 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Jarhead_22:
They'd have had to take me to jail.

And clean her remains off the carpet.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:11:17 PM EDT
Couple 12-6 elbows to the face or fingers into the eyes and she'd let go
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:11:39 PM EDT
She looks like Kathy Bates playing Annie Wilkes in "Misery".
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:12:42 PM EDT
"Look at my balls, officer! LOOK AT THEM."
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:13:47 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:13:52 PM EDT
"I was in fear of great bodily harm. I wish to speak with an attorney. My chest hurts, will you call me an ambulance?"
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:15:05 PM EDT
That's just nuts.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:15:06 PM EDT
Fat vile whore.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:17:48 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:19:37 PM EDT
My brother's second wife did something similar to him twice (grabbed his family jewels).
The first time he told her to never do it again.
The second time she did it he knocked her out with a fist.
She filed charges on him and a judge evicted him from their home with the kids.
That was about 20 years ago. Times may have changed but domestic violence can be one hellacious mess for a family.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:19:50 PM EDT
Those are the craziest googly eyes I've ever seen.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:20:12 PM EDT
I screamed after reading the headline.

I screamed like a little bitch.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:20:14 PM EDT
Winner of the most painfully exaggerated thread title of the day.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:22:32 PM EDT

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:28:46 PM EDT
No cross-eyed jokes yet? Come on people.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:29:27 PM EDT
15 K$ ring for THAT?
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:36:38 PM EDT
I don't even have balls and that hurt. What the crap?!
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:36:38 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/11/2011 8:37:31 PM EDT by Furious]

True story:

I have a close friend named Travis who was assaulted by his ex-girlfriend. She stalked him at his home one night and found his new girfriends car there. She started by bashing the windshield then when Travis came out to stop her (wearing only boxers) he pushed her down and stood over her screaming. She grabbed his balls and yanked as hard as she could ripping one out of his sack. She then calmly left.
He was in ICU for a few days after that while they tried to save his balls. I remember him cussing at me when I would make him laugh because it hurt. He used to show people the blood stains on his hardwood floor and say "that's when my balls got ripped off". This all happened back in the early 90s.

What I gathered from this is to NEVER date the crazy.

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:37:00 PM EDT

That woman is herp derp strong!
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:44:18 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/11/2011 8:45:36 PM EDT by stickfigure]
I would have kicked that bitch's eye straight.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:44:51 PM EDT
never trust a woman with a wonky eye
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:46:30 PM EDT
Reminds me of the subpoena joke.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:48:58 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Billmanweh:
never trust a woman with a wonky eye

Seems like a good rule of thumb.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:53:26 PM EDT

Maybe she was looking in the wrong place for the ring.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:54:38 PM EDT
Florida is the Capitol of Crazy.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:54:40 PM EDT
Originally Posted By hdhogman:
15 K$ ring for THAT?

That's what I was going to post. That guy must have the worst luck in history when it comes to getting tail to marry that.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:55:24 PM EDT
That's not how you give a handjob.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:55:29 PM EDT
The eyes just do not get any crazier than that.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:55:50 PM EDT
I guess she got a bit testy.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 9:04:02 PM EDT
How the deuce do you get a smiley face in a poll?
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 9:15:45 PM EDT
She is a lazy eyed dike. Trust me.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 9:21:02 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 9:23:04 PM EDT

Originally Posted By jmhat98:

I lol'd
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 9:27:40 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DisplayName:
She is a lazy eyed dike dikfer. Trust me.

So THAT'S what a dikfer is.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 9:28:05 PM EDT

What's she lookin' at?
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 9:35:48 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 9:39:47 PM EDT
Originally Posted By geekz0r:

Maybe she was looking in the wrong place for the ring.

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 11:01:38 PM EDT
Originally Posted By RCJ:
"Look at my balls, officer! LOOK AT THEM."

Link Posted: 12/12/2011 12:45:40 AM EDT
Why would any one in their right mind pay 15k for a ring??? Hell, you could buy 5 M4's and a shit pot of ammo for that much money.
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 12:53:20 AM EDT
...and then she yelled I AM A BOY DAMON!
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 1:16:47 AM EDT
After working a 16 hour day,she was tired of coming home and finding him on the sofa.
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 1:22:05 AM EDT
That right eye seems problematic
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 1:36:57 AM EDT
Where's that damn "do not want" pic?
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 1:38:05 AM EDT
Daym!!!!! That bitch could pick apples and look for snakes at the same time!!!!
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 1:49:03 AM EDT
Her left eye must be really interesting. Her right eye keeps looking at it.
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 1:51:15 AM EDT
That would hurt. Bitch would get knocked out, and I don't hit women. Well, once, and in a similar situation.

If any of you were around in the 1980s and a teen around oh, say 16 years old, you'll understand. One of the horrible fashions or that time for guys, were these silk looking shorts. Sure, they were comfortable, and on girls, looked absolutely fantastic, but in retrospect, were not real manly on us. Anyway. I was at the river house with my girlfriend and her cousin. We'd been drinking and swimming and other things and I got tired, and I passed out on the recliner under the a/c. Cousin, hot as she was, decides it's a bright idea to get a lighter and see how flammable my nuts were.

Answer? Nuts are indeed flammable when shorts are set on fire first. Drunk bitch was down there trying to blow the fire out. I just felt warm at first, and cracked open an eye to see her on her knees between my legs with her lips half an inch from my pecker. Heaven right? Until, the intense pain actually woke me up. I leaned forward and swung for the nearest thing to my pain, hitting her in the chin as she tried to stand up and knocking her out cold.Then I noticed the actual fire that had spread rapidly along my groin area. In less than a second, the girlfriend threw a glass of water on it, putting it out. I was pissed. I did receive restitution from the cousin about a week after the incident. So I guess all went well.
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 2:02:04 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/12/2011 2:02:50 AM EDT by cgrant26]

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