I am still in a state of shock!  My son turns two tomorrow, my daughter is 5 weeks old today...  I came home and had an invitation to fish with a friend of mine (I haven't wet a line since before 9/11) and was getting ready to go and she blew a gasket.  I went to call him up on the phone to cancel and she attacked me, started punching and kicking me.  We have had more than the usual share of arguments lately.  When I asked her the reason she said she hated me, that I was an asshole (sometimes true), and her main reason is that when I get mad I cuss.  There is no physical abuse in our relationship, no philandering, I work a lot of hours, come home, eat dinner, play with my kids and put them to sleep, then she and I talk for awhile and go to bed.  I am in total shock!  Anyone got any advice?

thanks

Very sorry to hear that.
My advice..."sell" your guns to your fishing buddy and get ready for the reaming of a lifetime. Divorce sucks, especially financially for the male. Protect your assets....

Man, all I can say is that I'm sorry.  I dont know what I would do if that happened to me.  Maybe she's having a hard time and didnt really mean it.

What age is she? My buddy just had his wife turn into a monster because of menopause.

immediate counseling!!!
the longer you wait, the worse things get and the more likely that it will end as she "thinks" she wants it.  Pick up the phone in the AM call around and look for help immediately!!! time is of the essence here and your kids are at stake here!  also, if she is insisting on "seperating" even if she says it is temporary... act as if it is going to be forever and do not let her leave the house with anything that you might want back later.
okay that is just my advice (from experience, unfortunately)
good luck, take care and God bless your family
colin

I would ask her to make sure she understood the results of her request. I would also ask her what wants in the relationship.
Three of my friends went through seperations last year and two are back with their wives now.

Make sure YOU take out the ORDER OF PROTECTION. How long have you been married? Is there another reason for her to get freaked about.

Sometimes it's no sex, not washing the dishes, no affection, Work to much, always tired. Never tell her you love her, buy her flowers or a gun, Your just a self serving bitch. Any of these things ring a bell

I agree- post-partum depression is very common (like in 30-40% of women, IIRC) and could be driving some of why she said that.

Get to a counselor ASAP.  Good luck!

Offer to take her fishing.  Then, because she  probably won't go and won't regard a fishing trip as a 'for her' thing anyway, ask to take her to a chick flick of her choice.  (shudder).

Failing that, check out Mark 10 for some thought on divorce and always remember the golden rule: he who hath the law degree gets most of the gold from any divorce.  The chick flick might not be your worst choice.

Very sorry to hear that. I've no personal experience with my wife doing the post-partum thing, but from what I've heard it can get WILD.

Hope for the best; prepare for the worst (i.e. pursue counseling AND prepare for things going downhill).

I hope things work out.
Best Regards,
Kevin

Get her to a physician...5 week old??? Looks like post-partum crap...Having kids can totally fvck-up a woman psychologically...hormones are still going haywire.

Hope you can work things out for the better.

This is a serious situation.  People have plenty of arguments, but when a woman reaches the point of saying they want a divorce, and hitting/kicking you, things have reached the point where you need legal advice.

That's not to say that you can't get counseling or try to work it out, but it's important that you understand the implications of all this.

Lots of times they seize on something and make that the issue when in fact there are other things.

It would be good to right away see a good family law attorney to consult with & represent you.

There IS physical abuse in the relationship if she was hitting and kicking you.
Whatever you do, don't get at all physical (if at all possible) with HER, even when/if she attacks you.  Or with the kids.

And if they try to impose or get you to agree to some kind of restraining order, make SURE you have an attorney fight it.  That can screw with your 2nd amendment rights as other have said, and not just for a short while.

This would be a good time to make sure she doesn't pull any funny business with bank accounts, credit cards, etc.  The lawyer can advise you on that, but when I described to a friend how I cancelled the ex off all my credit cards sent in a change of address for each, opened up a separate checking account at the new address, etc., he said he sure wished he'd done that, because his ex had emptied out the account and maxed out the cards & credit lines while they were in counseling.  He didn't know it until later because she'd changed addresses for all the accounts to her sister's house, and he never saw the statements.

Also, make sure to list separately all the separate property - assets that were yours before you got married, or that you were given / inherited, or obtained through other separate property, and give that list to the attorney.

Whatever happens, your kids are going to need you, and not just financially.  The two year old is probably old enough to sense that something's wrong, and kids are really vulnerable to this stuff, getting caught in the middle, and believe it or not actually thinking that somehow they're at least partly responsible.  Stay connected with them and remember, you're still Daddy to them, no matter what.

Don't forget that after having a baby, there's this thing called post-partum depression. Not making a diagnosis, here, but find out what you can.  Could be that she needs you in ways that aren't obvious.

SHE started punching and kicking you?

I'd call the police on HER.
Get the jump on her.
That's BULLSHIT.
Get a lawyer.

And, I'm sorry for ya.  
Take care of you and the kids by doing the above.
Then, if she's got her act together, maybe you can stay together...with her knowing YOU have the upper hand.

That's what I was thinking.  Have a mutual friend talk to her and see is she will agree to go to a psychiatrist and get some meds to help her with the hormonal problems she might be having.  If that shows no dice:

Jack, give serious thought to an involuntary committment.  The best thing is to strike first in a divorce scenario.  Committment due to emotional instability makes her look all the less credible, she won't get as much of your stuff, she won't get the kids, etc.

First things first...

"SELL" your guns to a friend that will "sell them back" to you at a later date.  You don't want her getting the upper hand with any liberal judges, CPS workers, psychiatrists, etc.

Secondly, get her to her OB/GYN concerning postpartum depression and GO WITH HER.

Thirdly, because this is a second baby and is still an infant, I hate to say it but you should be asking permission to do ANYTHING that would leave her alone (she can't just go shopping with her friends, so you shouldn't go fishing).

Fourth, you need to somehow document the fact that SHE ATTACKED YOU to cover your own ass as well as any custody issues with the kids.  However, if you call the cops they may take her to jail (you don't want that with a 5 week old in the house).

Fifth AND most important, start praying to God for wisdom in how to deal with this situation as well as how to relate to your wife during this ordeal.

Good luck.

if its a hormonal imbalance that is severe she its not entirely at fault. such things can cause people to lose control far far easier than they would. if she attacks, Restrain her. never strike back. just restrain. the law will look more kindly on that.

Is she rational enough to agree to go to a Doctor for evaluation?
Can the incident be documented with the Police Dept. without her going to jail?
I wouldn't wait for another 'episode', especially with the infant in the picture.
Too freaky.

I can't agree more with the guys that say to at least try to patch things up.  If I had to guess, she told you she wanted a divorce in the heat of the moment.  If she is still at home, let her sleep on it and can both of you guys in sick and drop the kids off at a sitter.  Maybe when everyone calms down the conversation will be a little more civil.  Personally, with two kids, I wouldn't give up.  Counseling is always a possibility.  My friend and his wife went to marriage counseling and their relationship has improved dramatically. Good luck my man.  Be ready to make some sacrificies too.  If it is for good, ditto oon "selling" the guns to your fishing buddy.

Keving67

Also, if you even have a hint that it is post-partum depression, don't leave her alone with the kids!  Divorce: Bad  Wife in jail and both kids killed: Unthinkable

Its happened before from post partum

Keving67

1. Get your guns out of the house - NOW, low profile if possible.
2. Counseling ASAP.
Try to work it out if at all possible.  If it doesn't work out, well, you know what happens next.
Could have knocked me over with a feather when I got the word from my ex years ago.

Good Luck.

Ok, I've been through a lot of this. What I recommend you do is go by your magistrates office and take out an emergency protective order. This is simply a marital restraining order, they can be set up so that you don't have to separate but if she hits you again she goes directly to jail no questions asked, these last until the next JDR court date at which time you choose to either go in front of the judge and extend the order/ ask for intervention or you can just let it drop. Use the time covered by the EPO to coax her into seeking medical/ psychological attention. It may take quite the bit of meds to get it under control and a lot of those drugs take a couple of weeks to build up to therapeutic levels. It does work, I am the poster child for this however I have a small scar under my right eye from an engagement ring too. But for mine it wasn't postpartum it was just a chemical imbalance, in your case all signs point to postpartum and you pushed her over the edge tonight.

Jake

She can't HAVE a divorce tonight.

The court is closed until the morning [:D]

Been there.  It's going to feel like your guts have been cut out.  But follow the advise regarding protecting your assets, act in a gentle, honorable manner at all times, and before you know it, this too shall pass.  
I found out my wife was having an affair in February 1999.  I was preparing for a job transfer at the time and timing couldn't have been worse.  She ran up bills and took the kids to her Mom's when I moved to start the new job.  We were working on counseling when she served me with the divorce papers that summer.  I got custody of the kids that December and in April 2000, the divoce was final.

That wasn't the end of the story.  Because I thought the kids needed to see their mother on a regular basis, I moved us all to Las Vegas (where she was living).  We didn't fight in front of the kids and I worked at cooperating.  3 months ago we re-married and while there is still work to do, its better than it ever was before.  

Don't pin everything on this happening, I know that my case is not the usual.  But, stranger things have happened.  The point is, my life didn't stop when I got divorced and yours won't either.  Remember, that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Ok Jack, first off this is your wife and she is feeling over worked under appreciated and unloved and it must be your fault.

Watch the kids for her on your day off and clean the house while you are at it while she goes out shopping or to a movie by herself or with a friend.

Get a babysitter and take her out for a date like you used to before you were married.

Take turns with the 2:00 o’clock feedings. She is burnt out and her hormones are frying her brain and putting her emotions on edge and you are her Knight in shining armor.

Suck it up and help her through this and she will love you more than she ever has before.

She hates the way she’s acting and feeling but she just can’t help herself and if you don’t help her out she will hate you for it.

Don’t just tell her; show her how much you love her man.


THISISME

If your wife left marks on you, call the cops and make a report. Get a restraining order against your wife. The one that acts first, in divorce proceedings, usually suffers the least physically, mentally, but not financially.

[b]If you left marks on your wife, go to Canada, YESTERDAY.[/b]

Were you talking to your friend when she attacked you? Was your friend listening? Phone records, and testimony of your friend, can lend credibility to your actions. [b]The advice to sell your firearms to your fishing buddy is absolutely correct.[/b]

Go to assaultweb and read the thread: [b]Getting Divorced? Hand over all your guns![/b] The [b]Brady law[/b] has some sneaky consequences if your wife gets a restraining order against you.

See an attorney specializing in divorce. Talk to your wifes doctor about her mood swings. She may be having Post Partum Depression. Man, oh man, do I ever wish you some good fortune.

Bill

I'm sorry to hear this.

However, you need to protect yourself, ASAP.  Cancel/freeze all credit cards and bank accounts, move your guns out of the house, gather all your important possessions and get them out also, GET A LAWYER!, and get ready to be fucked like you can't imagine.  

This is no time to be a nice, friendly guy.  She assaulted you (I'd file a DV complaint against her and get a restraining order also) and basically threw this right at you out of no where.  I wouldn't be surprised if she had been planning this for a while.  

In any case, you and your kids are the number one priority here.  Protect yourself from getting screwed too bad (you will get screwed, no matter what), and try to get custody of your kids.

I really feel for you.  Good luck.

Punching and kicking  and asking for a divorce isn't solved by going out on dates and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. She needs some professional help. I think the others are on the right track with the post partum thing.

To protect yourself and your kids, you need to establish a legal trail. That probably does include a protective order, trying to get her into counseling, etc. If there's no documentation of what she's done, you may someday soon magically end up being the bad guy. You know, the one that lost his gun collection because the real abuser ended up filing a restraining order.

If I was in your shoes, I would feel my first duty is to do what is best for my kids, because they can't protect themselves. Then I'd do what is best for myself, because if I'm not around I couldn't be there to help the kids or the wife.

Good luck!

Negative, do not restrain her in any manner. Let her beat on you. Any marks on her, and your the bad guy forever. Regardless of how she received the marks.

If she doesn't come to her sense's , you are fucked . Remember to treat this like a bussiness deal . Get your good toys to a friends ; sell them for a buck & have reciept. I can't stand to see another man get fucked like I did .

Sorry to hear that. Been there and it ain't easy to deal with. It's been eight years and I still have things to deal with from then.
I wish I had known about this place to ask for advice and comments.

Sorry to hear that. Once things get physical, serious problems are ahead. If you have any marks on you, go to the police and at least have them take photos and make a report, (Regardless of wheter or not you want her charged). My guess is that the fishing trip was just the last straw. this has been brewing for quite some time. Get counseling. If you do get divorced, at least you can always say that you tried to make it work...

Without having read all of the replies, take a serious look at depression. I have four children (all from my current wife) and depression, especially after a birth is a serious side effect. I was unaware of my wifes until we went to the DR. and he diagnosed her. When he said step back and look at the events, I was shocked and relieved. This may be a problem and if it is the cause, she will most likely deny it.

 If you have a 5 week old daughter, your wife is still full of hormones and basicly "ain't right". Tell her you are not getting a divorce. Try to work less. Try to get her to talk to her GYN. They prescribe a lot of Zoloft and other stuff for post partum females. My wife was always pretty OK after a kid, but I have seen some mighty ugly scenarios from other guy's wives over the years. Stop cussing if you can. Soon your 5 year old will be cussing if you don't. Of course she will blurt out her profanities at church or somewhere like that. Tell her you won't even consider getting divorced. Post partum is something else. Stick with her. Remind her it is "til death do we part" and the big "D" is duel not divorce. ;^)

Call me a tin-foil hat,but I wonder if this gun consfiscation per restraining order crap isnt part of the big confiscation picture[thinking].Theres usually always a restraining order with a divorce,and there are way MORE than 50% of marriages that end in divorce. I also wonder about this for better or for worse,in sickness and in health crap,when was the last time couples got divorced when things were healthy/better?......I avoid womminz except to get sum,who wants to go to ALL those affairs=chick crap,go to the chesecake factory,sit down and talk(theytwistyourwordslikethecops).When you really think about it what do they 'really' bring to the table except the bitching and the food(andthatsbecomeingscarce).Sounds like a womminz,wanting the courthouse to[red]OPEN[/red] TONIGHT so they can get a divorce.[rolleyes]

That was my first instinct as well.....

Same exact thing happened to me. We had just had our second little one, BAMM... she freaks out and starts to hit and say horrible hurtful things. That was 15 years ago. I thank god I had the wisdom to see it through. My then 2 year old is 17 and about to graduate highschool. My, then, newborn daughter is now 15 and our last child partly due to how it affected my wife... We are all still together...we have had some ups and downs...but that, by far was our darkest day.

It had to be post-partum-syndrome.....It came on so quickly and once it had ebbed never surfaced again.

My advice is to be there for her now..... see  if you might be able to weather the storm.

I have seen the results of post-partum fiest-hand.  My younger sister had it bad, and my Mom & Dad had to spend a lot of time helping to care for my nephew, just so my sis could relax and get her head straight...

A few things should be noted that I have yet to see in this thread!

[*] Andrea Yates suffered from post paretum depression, and her 5 drowned children were the end result.[/*]

[*] Remove your firearms from your home immediately. To remove them for personal selfish purposes' is pure bullshit...  They need to be removed for the safety and well being of the occupants of your home![/*]

[*] I would tend to want to keep the police out of this, and include close family & friends, as you will be better off without legal posturing. Even if one of you won't press charges, the local prosecuter can, and most likely will.[/*]

[*] Hire a housekeper on a temporary basis, while your wife is suffereing...  Show her all of your attention, not just what's left after working, fishing, cleaning guns, playing with kids, etc.  Your wife should come first and foremost, and should never have to play 2nd fiddle to anyone or anything, unless it is her choice to do so on a limited basis![/*]

[*] Speak with your employer and take a few days off of work to help her get help immediately.  No job is worth losing your family over, especially if the end results could be potentially fatal![/*]

[blue]We're all here for you, but you need top be [u]there[/u] for her and your children![/blue]

I'm with Beer-Slayer,  I'd say get some counseling for both of you but I'd guess that with what you've told us, you are dealing with a post-parta-saurus.  Not to make light of a very serious situation but my wife just cleared the post partum phase and HOLY COW it sucked.

It's like you are living with a crazy person, completely unreasonable, flying off the handle at the least provocation, crying, fits.  [shudder] it's brutal.  And the real scary part is my wife is the coolest wife I know! She buys me a gun for every holiday, the last 4 she bought me are DPMS panther bull, Sig Trailside, Glock23 w/2 preban mags and an SLR95 AK-47. So she's not one of the difficult ones some of us have, but during post partum she was a total lunatic.

Get her and you some help,  you'll be glad you did.   And if it IS a serious divorce request, try to stall proceedings till she recovers from post partum and reevaluate.  If she still wants a divorce,  grab your sack and run to the best lawyer you can get, if you are "nice" you will get buggered. My bro-in-law is STILL getting raked over the coals by his ex cause he didn't want to fight the divorce. Worst mistake he ever made.

My prayers are with you, what a difficult situation my friend.

Crash.

You were going to cancel the fishing trip because she blew a gasket?  Too little and too late.



I hope you see the irony inherent in that second sentence.



Are you trolling this discussion group, or do you really not see the inconsistency between that remark and the "punching and kicking" part?



I notice that you haven't said anything about inviting her to go along on your fishing trip, and in your inventory of what you do there is no mention of spending quality time alone with your wife other than talking for a while; nothing about taking her out on a date once in a while.

Here's my take on it:

[b]The punching and kicking ARE physical abuse.  They must stop and never happen again.  That kind of behavior is totally unacceptable.[/b]

Once you get that squared away, then you can start figuring out what she needs and isn't getting out of the relationship.  You may need help, i.e. a marriage counselor, your pastor, etc.  Be warned - A lot of marriage counselors are friggin' idiots.  I'm going to guess that this divorce threat is more like the cry for help variety rather than the real thing, otherwise you'd already have heard from her lawyer.

Good luck, Jack.

Only you can know if there were other problems before this, but from what you've described, it sounds like she may be dealing with "Baby Blues", or Post-Partum Depression.  Don't discount it, and don't knock it.  It is a real issue for a fair percentage of women from what I understand.  And with a 2 year old and a 5 week old, she may well be feeling overwhelmed.

Check out this site: http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.post-partum.html

And try to get some counseling for both of you.  It may save your marriage.

Good luck!

Sorry to hear of your marital woes, [b]JackBurton![/b]

But whatever else you may do, put your two kids first!

Even if it means taking a few more lumps, now!

You will, and they will, appreaciate it later on, you'll see.

Forgive me, ladies, but any woman with a five week old baby, may simply be a raging cauldron of female hormones and should be forgiven and the matter forgotten.

If the problems continue, please make certain that the two of you visit with someone who loves you both, or someone whose opinion you both respect.

Whether a friend, familiy member, preacher, priest, rabbi, or immam, or professional, you both need direction in overcoming these present day problems.

The two kids need you both. They need for you to be able to live together and work your problems out!

Divorce is never the answer, it is sometimes just an answer.

If your wife continues in her declared course of action, save what is irreplaceable from your marriage, family photos, herilooms, and any weapons, and give in on just about everything else!

You may win a larger property settlement if you fight the divorce, tooth and nail, but you will lose the kids in the process.

And I don't mean 'lose the kids' as in loss of custody, for there is no doubt where the kids are going if y'all divorce, unless you can show some mighty big evidence that your wife is a danger to the children.

And if you could, you would have already mentioned that by now!

If you lose the divorce battle, you will still be able to 'win the war' with your children.

If you are not the one that browbeats them, that attempts to brainwash then against the other parent, that's constantly a 'problem' in their young lives, they will grow up with the best possible thoughts about you, and your relationship with them will survive.

If you get into a pizzing contest with their mother, all bets are off!

You will just have two messed up kids to go bail out of jail in the future!

If you cannot make your marriage work (which is always the very best answer), then, for the sake of your children, you'd better make your divorce 'work'!

Eric The(BeenThereDoneThat1,000Times)Hun[>]:)]  

This sounds like depression, and COUNSELING IS USELESS FOR DEPRESSION.  She should be on medication and seeing a therapist.

I'd try to take some time off from work and stay close to home for awhile, if you can.  Work to de-fuse the situation.

Hope it works out for you.

Maybe [b]marvl[/b], but with a five week old baby, I would think that natural post-partum depression (which goes away without the use of drugs) might be the more likely culprit.

Recreational drugs are nice, but the ones that physicians hand out like ju-ju-bees can be really devestating!

So wait on that for a while!

Eric The(NonClinical)Hun[>]:)]

Andrea Yates' husband felt the very same way! [pissed]

Post from antiUSSA -

Well, seeing as how Andrea Yates was being treated for clinical depresssion when her youngest child was two years old, and that she had previous bouts of clinical depression, I hardly think that what Andrea Yates did was the result of natural post-partum depression!

But if you're in favor of sedating women with the cocktail mix of psychotropic drugs that seem to be so fashionable nowadays, then go right ahead.

In my day, there was no such thing as attention deficit disorder, nor was ritalin being handed out like trick or treat candy.

These kids were just 'fidgety' and [u]everybody[/u] dealt with it! It was a part of everyday life in a very simple world.

In wartime, such 'fidgety' boys were great for walking point on patrols!

Folks with long attention spans would likely lead their platoons directly into an ambush! [:D]

So, if you believe in evolution, fidgety kids were the really good hunters in the tribe!

Eric The(Natural)Hun[>]:)]

Good words...  My wife is STILL dealing with PPD 14 months following our baby girl's birth, and is finally starting to show signs of being herself again. (edited to say: it is possible that the PPD simply was a trigger for a larger depressive episode...) She questioned our relationship many times over the last several months, and has tested it too.  We will be stronger for this episode.  I've learned what I need to do more of, and she learned what I need more of, too.  

Both of you need help.  She appears to need help with PPD, and YOU will need guidance dealing with conflicted emotions, anger and stress that this will cause.

We all wish you the best of luck, and hope that things work out good for ALL of your family.

can't add any words of advice except to say this:  don't turn your heart off towards your wife (if you still truly love her) just because of bunch of guys are more worried about losing your guns.  meaning:  it may not be a bad idea to start talking to a lawyer about your options, but don't try to beat her to the punch (porr choice of owrds, sorry) simply to be able to say "i filed first so i have the advantage! neener, neener, neener!!!!"

i hope that you take things slowly and calmly and rationally and that they work out for you and your family in the best possible manner.