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Posted: 12/19/2003 11:06:48 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/22/2003 8:14:49 AM EDT by dramine]
I have very good reason to believe my wife is close to cheating on me with a guy she works with. I basically have two options:

1) See how far she goes. This appeals to me because I'd really like to see how far she takes it. If I continue to allow her to think I know nothing, but she does not follow through it will make me feel pretty good about our relationship. On the other hand, if she ends up going through with it, I will ask for a divorce.

2) Confront her now and try to stop the progression of events. This option is better for us as a couple if it works. If I reveal what I know to her, and she still wants to pursue this guy, she will just hide it better though and I'll be out of luck. If I go this route, I'm afraid that I will always wonder and will not be able to trust her again.

So, what do I do? I am 99% sure that I can find out if she does this right now as she has no idea I am on to her. If I confront her, I will have to go basically on her word that she would discontinue.

If it were just up to me, I'd pick option #1 so that I could truely see what she's all about. Unfortunately there's a part of the equation I have not mentioned yet - and that's our 2 year old daughter. If our relationship goes down hill, she will be the one to pay.

To top it all off, today is our anniversary (8 year). [sarcasm]should be a nice dinner[/sarcasm]
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:10:49 AM EDT
Well, it would be hard to say without more info, but I wouldn't probably give out any more if I was in your shoes. Based on just what you've said, option 1. But, if she's to the point of physically cheating, she's already been emotionally cheating, it's how most women work. Most women cheat because they're bored with their husband, food for thought.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:14:51 AM EDT
Does she have a good looking single friend? Always nice to have a backup plan.....
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:15:25 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2003 11:17:01 AM EDT by fight4yourrights]
Threesome. Better if it were a lady, but hey, MAN UP!
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:18:16 AM EDT
Not enough information... -We don't know the scope of the evidence -We don't know how naive your wife is (may be being seduced by this dude) -We don't know if your relationship is rocky in the first place However, based on what I see, I'd go with #1, and have a plan. #2 is a no win situtation. With #1, you win big if she doesn't go through with it, and you've got good intel if she does.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:21:08 AM EDT
1. Find out the guy's home address. 2. Print up large self-adhesive labels with the address on them. 3. Go to U-Haul, and buy a bunch of boxes. 4. Apply labels to empty boxes. 5. Leave empty boxes in your bedroom, and take your daughter to see the grandparents for the weekend. When you return Monday, you'll either have a family or a lot more closet space. While the above may seem like it's offered as a joke, let me point out that this is very close to how TransitionGirl-1.0 got rid of me after the deal with Mrs.DzlBenz-1.0 fell through. Yeah, I've been through some shit in my day.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:21:58 AM EDT
Originally Posted By DriftPunch: Not enough information... -We don't know the scope of the evidence -We don't know how naive your wife is (may be being seduced by this dude) -We don't know if your relationship is rocky in the first place However, based on what I see, I'd go with #1, and have a plan. #2 is a no win situtation. With #1, you win big if she doesn't go through with it, and you've got good intel if she does.
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The evidence is overwhelming and is fairly easy to come across, unless I tell her. Ok, I'll fess up... it's internet related. I know pretty much everything up to this point. I know that it has not preceeded to a physical level. My wife is not naive and is not being seduced. She is at least 50% in this. Our relationship is fantastic. At least I thought... I tend to agree... I'm sure leaning toward #1 at this point. Makes it hard in the interm though.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:24:55 AM EDT
i'd go #1, if you catch her cheating not only do you know for sure, but it may play in your favor if there is a custody battle later
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:28:25 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2003 11:36:24 AM EDT by Troy]
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:28:42 AM EDT
You're seriously considering waiting until you've taken sloppy seconds from this guy to act? Try "Hey, you [make up computer operation error] and I found this. WTF are you doing talking to some guy on the internet like this?"
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:29:34 AM EDT
DB..idea is fantastic.. probably one of the best ones yet. you have DIRT...buddy...you can do alot with dirt.. but women cheat because something is wrong at home.. the question is.."IS THIS THE ONLY ONE....." look in the mirror.. men cheat because..we are man whores..
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:31:17 AM EDT
#1. If you are wrong and confront her she will turn that against you.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:33:44 AM EDT
You need to act 100% in the interests of your child. If your wife cannot be faithful to you, she cannot be truly faithful to your child, who needs a loving family. If she's being furtive and secretive and you've got the evidence... well, I hate to tell you, but it's already over and the only thing you need to do is pull the trigger on a divorce. Right now, you need to go see a divorce lawyer. Immediately. There are things you need to do, particularly in terms of making a record as to your involvement with your daughter, that are going to be key in any subsequent custody battle. Also look at you're wife's spending habbits. Check cards leave a great paper trail. Bank statements will show a lot. Having been on BOTH sides of the betrayal thing in my life, about the only thing I can tell you is that once someone is going about the development of a "side" thing, the writing is already on the wall. Even if she relents at the last minute, or if you confront her and she agrees to go to therapy for your daughter's sake, your marriage will be dead. Trust cannot be replenished so easily. You will wonder. You will suspect. It will eat you up inside and it will make you, your child, and your wife miserable, thereby increasing the chance that one or both of you will end up cheating anyway. See a lawyer. Do what you need to do to protect yourself vis a viz your position with your child, and then get the hell out of that relationship.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:33:45 AM EDT
If she does cheat, do her mother. You definately want proof before you alter your daughters world. Good luck.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:34:14 AM EDT
Mrs. HighStrung here to offer you a womans perspective on this situation. Nip the shit in the bud. Gently ask her if she has any feelings which would lead her to stray. Let her know that you are concerned that you two may be drifting apart. Present any proof to her now. It is far better to intervene now before the adultery is committed. Once she cheats, you will never look at her the same and relationships are difficult to survive such an episode.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:36:07 AM EDT
My wife 'might' cheat is like saying my car 'might' breakdown. While it's not a 100% sure bet, preventitive maintenance and some TLC goes a long way in either case...
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:36:09 AM EDT
I hate home breakers as much as theaves for the result is the same. Even if your wife is making the advances this guy knows she's married and has a child. If he doesn't care about the child now he never will. He's scum that needs to be flushed in a toilet head first. IMHO, it's one of the reasons it's one of the ten commandments. No good can come of this. Hope it works out for you but like Norm said, you do have to work at it to resolve it. Tj
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:36:48 AM EDT
I would just start getting nosy...ask her about what she has been up to, ie. ask about her day/lunch/what she did and who she was with. Ask follow-up questions to any of her answers. Nothing out of spite or meanness, just spousel concern. Change your routine...stop by her work for a lunch date. Ask all kinds of questions about this other guy anytime she mentions him. Let her know in a round about way what your feelings would be for someone who cheated on their spouse. I say that because that is what my wife does for me. She is so inquisitive that it is hard to keep anything from her. I would be in a huge web of lies immediately if I tried to hide something. Hell, I have a hard enough time just trying to surprise her on her birthday or christmas because she catches small changes in my routine and starts asking questions. Kids are a big issue as well, and sadly, oftimes the most effected. Whatever you decide to do...let your child's welfare weigh heavy in your decision. Good luck.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:40:18 AM EDT
Hi dramine, This is sad, but very common. What Norman74 said is very true. I mean about her already cheating emotonally in your relationship. This is serious. Because she hasn't shown you the respect to discuss the fact with you that there is a problem in the first place. Or has she? At any rate, I don't like to idea of you just playing dumb and "trapping" her. This makes you no more honest than she is. It's dysfunctional. Of course, I've always believed that dysfunction attracts dysfunction. Perhaps that's why this strategy appeals to you? My advice, - be honest. Confront her. Try to get to the bottom of this before it's too late. You need to try to do what you can do to preserve your marriage for the sake of your kid. You need to be honest with your wife both for your sake and for the sake of your relationship. If your wife persists in her dishonesty you will find out about it eventually. That's a negative reflection on her, not you. I try to be honest in my life not so much for the benefit of others but for my own benefit, for my own mental well being. And that's what I recommend for you.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:40:38 AM EDT
If the guy is single then how can you fault a guy for trying to get some pussy? That's what single guys do. It's the MARRIED WOMANS responsibility not to stray. Now if the guys is married then it's a different story. Been there, done that. And I didn't have to work that hard at it either.
Originally Posted By TomJefferson: I hate home breakers as much as theaves for the result is the same. Even if your wife is making the advances this guy knows she's married and has a child. If he doesn't care about the child now he never will. He's scum that needs to be flushed in a toilet head first. IMHO, it's one of the reasons it's one of the ten commandments. No good can come of this. Hope it works out for you but like Norm said, you do have to work at it to resolve it. Tj
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Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:43:17 AM EDT
I hate to say it, but a cheating wife still has the upper hand when it relates to child custody. If she were on drugs, it would be much easier to prove her an unfit mother and subsequently give you custody. It sucks, but the child welfare system strongly sides with the mother. Regardless of fidelity.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:46:51 AM EDT
Originally Posted By KA3B: If the guy is single then how can you fault a guy for trying to get some pussy? That's what single guys do. It's the MARRIED WOMANS responsibility not to stray. Now if the guys is married then it's a different story. Been there, done that. And I didn't have to work that hard at it either.
Originally Posted By TomJefferson: I hate home breakers as much as theaves for the result is the same. Even if your wife is making the advances this guy knows she's married and has a child. If he doesn't care about the child now he never will. He's scum that needs to be flushed in a toilet head first. IMHO, it's one of the reasons it's one of the ten commandments. No good can come of this. Hope it works out for you but like Norm said, you do have to work at it to resolve it. Tj
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He's married, two kids in their teens. And apparently he's done this before... there were references about "three strikes you're out" for him. I guess this is strike number three, and you better beleive I will be informing his wife of this fact if it comes to that. I already have his address and phone number.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:48:44 AM EDT
Originally Posted By KA3B: If the guy is single then how can you fault a guy for trying to get some pussy? That's what single guys do.
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Hence my 'naive' question earlier...
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:50:01 AM EDT
I'd pull the trigger on that right now.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:52:26 AM EDT
there were references about "three strikes you're out" for him
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I assume these references were contained in the evidence you found. If so, it suggests your wife and her paramour are well close to moving beyond the question of "if" and to the question of "when." Your marriage is gone. I really hate to say that, but trust me: No matter how magnanimous you are, no matter how hard you try, your trust of her is going to be eroded beyond the point of no return. You obviously have concern about putting your child through the trauma of coming from a broken home. Only, you don't yet realize that your child ALREADY lives in a broken home. It will continue to be a broken home even if you prevent this act of cheating and are foced to live the next number years wondering. Right up until it either inevitiably happens again, or you have to leave yourself for your own mental health and peace of mind. That's a horrible atmospher for a child to grow up in, and they're smarter than you think.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:52:53 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2003 11:53:44 AM EDT by DriftPunch]
And apparently he's done this before... there were references about "three strikes you're out" for him. I guess this is strike number three, and you better beleive I will be informing his wife of this fact if it comes to that. I already have his address and phone number.
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And with that little tidbit of information, the 'cheating' has already happended. If it was discussing a crime, the level of 'conspiracy' would have already been met. I now shift my vote to #2. I thought you had flirty messages, not a documented plan, and an analysis of the consequences.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 11:56:59 AM EDT
my .02, your marriage is already over. If there was a problem at home she should have come to you with it. Get a PI to catch her in the act then get a divorce. Get a lawyer now. -HS
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:00:32 PM EDT
Originally Posted By dramine: He's married, two kids in their teens. And apparently he's done this before... there were references about "three strikes you're out" for him. I guess this is strike number three, and you better beleive I will be informing his wife of this fact if it comes to that. I already have his address and phone number.
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There's a lot more to it than I imagined from the first post. Copy the prints, call his wife, tell her they're in the mail to her. Confront your wife right away. Your marriage may be in the toilet anyway. It's definitely in the toilet (maybe because you don't care?) if you don't act on what you have in hand.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:02:47 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2003 12:10:13 PM EDT by Cape_hunter]
See a divorce laywer first, I cannot stress this enough. Cover your ass there before you move on. As far as the options you listed. I tend to agree with Norman on this regarding, if she is that close to jumping in the sack with this guy she has already crossed the line. I would also hesitste to give up any info until your lawyer is in place and you have a plan. Then confront here and give here one chance to explain. My best fried was severly screwed over by his x and it started out nearly the same way you have described. Emails, chats etc. He had suspicions but didnt act on them. When it came out, it also came out she had an attorney and had filed already. She had planned it all and moved right in with another guy. Her excuse was that she wanted more out of life then what he offered. She left with his daughter and most of his things and the court protected her and left him with very little. The saving grace was that his farm is still in his fathers name so she couldnt touch it, not for lack of trying though. He was floored by this bitch because he was not prepaired. My advice, do everything you can to stay at least one step ahead of this thing. Record everything, and make copies of everything. Write down numbers, dates, times, of every move she makes. You will need it f this thing goes any further south. Your daughter is the first priority, and needs to be in front of every choice you make. Hang in there man, Jason
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:09:43 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2003 12:24:23 PM EDT by Yojimbo]
Originally Posted By HighStrung1: Mrs. HighStrung here to offer you a womans perspective on this situation. Nip the shit in the bud. Gently ask her if she has any feelings which would lead her to stray. Let her know that you are concerned that you two may be drifting apart. Present any proof to her now. It is far better to intervene now before the adultery is committed. Once she cheats, you will never look at her the same and relationships are difficult to survive such an episode.
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[b]Bingo! We have a winner![/b] IMHO, MrsHighStrung is right on the money! You definitely need to talk to your wife and let here know that you know what's going on and you are concerned about the effects of it. Talk to her about this other guy and the nature of their relationship. Tell her that if she doesn't love you anymore and wants to be with this other guy that as man, you at least deserve the respect to not to be cheated on! Like a few others have mentioned why wait until something does happen??? It makes no sense! Not to mention the torture and pain you'll put yourself through watching this kind of crap happening to your marriage. On another note, your wife may be getting slowy seduced by that P.O.S. and is resisting but if you let the asshole keep going he just may find a way even if he results to just getting her drunk or worse all because she trusts him. Do not underestimate how low some people will go to get laid. If this P.O.S. knows she is married and is carrying on he needs to get invited to a ARFCOM boot party! All I'm saying is talk to your wife and give yourself a chance to see if there still something there, don't let her cheat first and then try to work on it... Oh, and one more thing... There isn't one good excuse for a man wanting be close "friends" with anyone elses wife! We all know what the man wants and it ain't a conversation. If he wants a friend he should go hang out with some guys!
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:11:56 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Cape_hunter: See a divorce laywer first
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Explore options on the down low first. T's crossed I's dotted Best defense can be a good offense.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:12:59 PM EDT
Cheating, to me, occurs when your wife lets another man know she wants to bang him and will bang him when she gets the chance. My wife should not make another man think he can bang her if he just puts a little more time and effort into it regardless if they ever end up banging or not. That's like spitting in my face. The trust at this point is broken. However, there is still a chance to repair the marriage at this point. After the banging, the bitch is out the door. No chance of staying together. It would be tempting to let the situation play out until they planned to meet just to see if they would since I'm not you. Stop this before any physical contact. My ex-wife cheated on me and the emotional pain was terrible. Meanhile, start hiding your money.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:24:58 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2003 12:28:21 PM EDT by Guess]
Originally Posted By KA3B: It's the MARRIED WOMANS responsibility not to stray.
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Do whatever you have to do to rationalize your own lack of character, playa. Your still the one participating in breaking up a family. I'm not mad. I don't blame the single person for it happening. Just own up to your part in it. Anyway, I've found that the story about 'what comes around goes around' in this world is true. It happened to my ex-wife in a bad way. It won't come back on you necessarily the same way either, but it always comes back.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:26:07 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Guess: Meanhile, start hiding your money.
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... and your guns!
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:26:34 PM EDT
Screw that. 1. Get the emails and IMs printed out and in a safe deposit box 2. Get her on tape. 3. Get your money out of hte bank accounts first before she takes it all. Basically, be defensive, build your case and when the time is right, strike first & strike hard.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:32:02 PM EDT
Add another vote to Option #1. You dont want to confront her only to have her hide it, causing more time to lapse before you find out. Trust me... ..It would be better to go with #1. Maybe you could at least end up with your daughter.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:37:02 PM EDT
OK , Tell her the thought of herwith another man gets you excited. When she admits it, you got her, or if it does turn you on, tell her to go for it and tellyou all about it. Line up one for yourself and then have 3somes.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:38:06 PM EDT
Originally Posted By KA3B: If the guy is single then how can you fault a guy for trying to get some pussy? That's what single guys do. It's the MARRIED WOMANS responsibility not to stray. Now if the guys is married then it's a different story. Been there, done that. And I didn't have to work that hard at it either.
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If you're saying you cheated with women you knew were married than you're a low down P.O.S.! Don't be surpised if someone comes to kill you one day... A man that's hurting and feeling like he's got nothing loose won't mind taking you with him... Always remember, PAYBACK is a BITCH...
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:40:12 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2003 12:41:29 PM EDT by drjarhead]
I'd go with option #1 given your choices. Let her step in it... Or, just ditch the bitch. That's what I'd do. Will you ever really be able to trust her again. If the answer is no(would be for me) thaen it is time to move on. If you are the one to file for divorce, keep your mouth shut, go to a lawyer and get everything in order. Have her booted from the home and with you keeping your daughter. Close out bank accounts and cancel credit cards, etc. If you don't you are very likely to, one day soon, have it happen to you. Seen it plenty and let me tell you that when women do this shit they fight dirty as hell. Best defense is.... dr(happily married for 20 years)jarhead[):)]!!!
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:41:10 PM EDT
Install some remote admin (hacking) software on your own computer or the computer that the dirt is on. Install the client on your work computer or some other terminal where you can always be logged into that computer and logging keystrokes, email passwords ect. I would suggest Subseven or......there was another one that I can't think of the name of right now but they're all really good hacking tools.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:42:51 PM EDT
Whatever you do, document, photograph, videotape etc. be ready to pull all funds from the bank & cancel all her credit cards, start gathering up the necc. phone & account numbers. Secure all your valuables, guns, sentimental items photos ahead of time. They will be bargaining chips if you don't. Good luck.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:43:44 PM EDT
RUN FORREST
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 12:58:47 PM EDT
Man, do I feel for ya. That sucks. In my opinion, the cheating has already started. Like others said, it started when she agreed to want to be with him. I could not trust my wife ever again if I was in your situation, and that would end our marriage. I had a girlfriend cheat on my once when I was younger. Never want to feel that way again. Get a lawyer. Do it now. Give, no sell your guns to a friend for $1.00/as long as he'll sell them back later. Get the credit cards cancelled. Separate the money now. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been reading this thread all day, and it just seems to get worse, the more you share.
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 1:01:54 PM EDT
Trust me, I know that for a fact. Her (now ex)husband was a Marine. He caught up with me in the Miramar E-Club and let me know how unhappy he was. I saw him at the E-Club a couple months later and thought I was in for round two. While he didn't apologize for the ass-whiping he gave me he did buy me a beer and told me that he had divorced her and that he thought I should call her up. I about spewed. Like I said, it's the married womans responsibility not to stray.
Originally Posted By Yojimbo: If you're saying you cheated with women you knew were married than you're a low down P.O.S.! Don't be surpised if someone comes to kill you one day... A man that's hurting and feeling like he's got nothing loose won't mind taking you with him... Always remember, PAYBACK is a BITCH...
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Link Posted: 12/19/2003 1:04:01 PM EDT
If the guy is single then how can you fault a guy for trying to get some pussy? That's what single guys do. It's the MARRIED WOMANS responsibility not to stray. Now if the guys is married then it's a different story. Been there, done that. And I didn't have to work that hard at it either.
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well looky what we have here...........human shit
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 1:05:05 PM EDT
Pssst, here is a hint for you, I didn't chase a married woman, I chased a single woman living at home while she was going to school. I didn't know she was married until a little later. See my last post, that's when I found out she was married. Adn, like I said, I didn't have to work at her too hard. Guess that should have been my first clue.
Originally Posted By Guess:
Originally Posted By KA3B: It's the MARRIED WOMANS responsibility not to stray.
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Do whatever you have to do to rationalize your own lack of character, playa. Your still the one participating in breaking up a family. I'm not mad. I don't blame the single person for it happening. Just own up to your part in it. Anyway, I've found that the story about 'what comes around goes around' in this world is true. It happened to my ex-wife in a bad way. It won't come back on you necessarily the same way either, but it always comes back.
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Link Posted: 12/19/2003 1:05:11 PM EDT
The other remote Admin software is called: NETBUS. If you catch something in the act like, "You were like an animal last night", or "did I leave my panties in your car" you can send a message to the computer that says: BUSTED!
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 1:07:58 PM EDT
Go fuck yourself shithead. No really, just go on and fuck yourself. Shit happens, and when the fucking lieing cunt whore dosen't tell you the truth then how are you supposed to know. Like I said, it's the fucking cunts responsibility not to stray.
Originally Posted By TexRdnec:
If the guy is single then how can you fault a guy for trying to get some pussy? That's what single guys do. It's the MARRIED WOMANS responsibility not to stray. Now if the guys is married then it's a different story. Been there, done that. And I didn't have to work that hard at it either.
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well looky what we have here...........human shit
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Link Posted: 12/19/2003 1:10:39 PM EDT
Go fuck yourself shithead. No really, just go on and fuck yourself. Shit happens, and when the fucking lieing cunt whore dosen't tell you the truth then how are you supposed to know. Like I said, it's the fucking cunts responsibility not to stray.
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well, first off, merry christmas to you too, santa [<|:d>] second, you should have specified that you didnt know in advance, by your first post you made it sound that way third, you're still wrong about it being only the womans responsibility ho ho ho, bitch
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 1:17:30 PM EDT
My last bit of advice..... Don't wait for you to catch them in the act. I have had a couple of friends that have done this. One actually came home to surprise his wife and best friend in bed. It ain't pretty. I think it did a lot of damage to him psychologically. I don't think you want to wait for the act to actually happen, or to catch them in the act. You will feel even worse than you do now. Cover you ass first, then confront her before it happens!
Link Posted: 12/19/2003 1:19:26 PM EDT
[url]http://www.cheaters.com/index.php[/url]. Hit the submit case button. Sorry it has come to this point for you.
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