I have a very very good friend that recently left her loser husband and moved to another town with her 2 youngest children. Her 18 year old daughter was living with a friend and stayed here.

My friend and I have known each other for 25 years and served together in the Forces. That's where I met her. She hasn't had a great life but has done the best she can and never complained about not having a new car,nice home,etc. She came from a very small village and grew up with 4 sisters, so going with out was nothing new.

She has been wanting to leave her husband (alcoholic, drug user, usually unemployed) for a couple of years but stayed so her oldest daughter could finish school.
When she did leave I helped her as much as I could and did a lot of listening.
She had a rough go for the first couple of months but things started to improve. Her kids started to settle in, make friends and she started to pay off bills she couldn't before because of her ex spending money on booze,etc.

Well her oldest daughter started having a rough time and was depressed, so her mom convinced her to move down for a while.
She did and after about 2 weeks..started hinting around that if her mom would let her boyfriend move in for a while they would look for jobs and get a place of their own.
When her mom told me this I told her letting him move in would be a big mistake.
he's a druggy loser with no job....notice the pattern.. I had a friend at the police dept check him out and he's got a record.
I told my friend what would happen if she let him move in..what he would eventually do,etc.
I thought between her best friend and I we had her convinced..but we didn't.

Add to this..an old boyfriend arrived on the scene and they started seeing each other.
She sounded very happy and although I had my reservations about him..I was happy for her. He was treating her like she was the only woman in the world. Something  her husband never did.
She had told me when she moved out that she wasn't going to rush into a relationship but after being alone for 7 months..she was very lonely and when her old boyfriend arrived on the scene it wasn't long before he moved in.

So now there are 4 adults, a 14 year old and a 8 year old living in a 3 bedroom apartment.
I kept my opinion to myself because I told her that her "love life" was none of my business.
Well about 2 weeks ago her oldest daughter and her pos boyfriend get in a big argument with her mom and tell her they are moving back here.
Instead of opening the door and telling them to get the hell out..she drives them back here. (hour and a half drive).

To make a long story short..that drive home resulted in her daughters boyfriend assaulting her boyfriend who was with them but never said one word to the kids on the drive up. The daughters boyfriend beat himin the head with a rock while he was sitting in the car.
My friend got out and tried to break the fight up and her daughter punched her in the head. Her ex-husband then arrives and proceeds to beat on her boyfriend who is still in the car defending himself as best he can from the daughters boyfriend.

The end result was..her boyfriend ended up with a concussion, her daughters boyfriend and her ex both were charged with assault, her oldest daughter convinced her younger sister to move home and they almost convinced their 9 year old brother to do the same.
I cannot describe how mad I was when she told me and you have no idea  how hard it was for me to not go over to her husbands house and give him the beating he so richly deserves. The fact I'm an LEO is the only thing that stopped me.

She told me after that "I was right" about her daughters boyfriend and that she should have listened to me. It breaks my heart that this is happening to her. All she wants in life is for her kids to be happy and safe and for her to maybe enjoy life again..but she lets them walk all over her. I'm assuming because she feels guilty for taking them away from their pos father.
I've always been straight up with her and told her what I think..and she respects that. She does the same with me.

That is what I can't figure out..she asked me what I thought about him moving in. I told her what I thought based on my experience dealing with idiots like him every day at work and unfortunately I was right. Now she has 2 daughters that are telling her they hate her, a son who is very emotionally messed up and a date in court..because she let her daughters boyfriend move in.
To add to it..her boyfriend is very insecure or jealous of other men due to his ex girlfriend cheating on him..so I can't just pick up the phone and call her despite the fact she told him all about me and that she wasn't going to turn her back on our friendship.

I feel like I'm doing this and because I don't want to get her boyfriend freaking out I can't call her. So we only "talk" via e-mail when she is at work.
So..I guess what I need to know is..how can a man convince a woman that he is right and to listen to his advice without saying "listen you f**king idiot" like we would to another guy?

She's only going to listen if she wants to.  It sounds like she's a glutton for punishment.  Some people get blinded by their own needs or desires and can't see what's glaringly obvious to everyone else around them.  And if you call her and mess things up between her and the boyfriend, you're likely to lose a friend.

I don't really have any advice on how to deal with her except that it sounds like she's got to make her own mistakes.  She didn't listen to you once, and chances are she won't listen to you in the future either.  A few years ago I had to tell a life-long friend that I didn't want to be around her anymore until she got her life together.  I had spent a lot of time and energy worrying about her, and it was messing up my own life.  Don't get to the point where you derail your own life trying to rescue someone else.  She's not going to be rescued until she's ready to be.  

I'll always be here for her Patty. She knows that. If things had been different in 1981..she would have my last name. They almost were but the skinny 17 year old kid I was back then was scared to death to take a chance on asking someone as pretty as she is to go out with him. I guess the bright side is..I gained a best friend.
ETA..thanks Dee. I don't want to describe her life growing up cause it's private but I will say parts of it were very rough and her ex was her first long term boyfriend. She was a very timid person until she had children and it still takes a lot to get her mad. But she gets over it very quick and what had her ready to kill someone 3 hours ago is barely a blip on the radar now. Her oldest daughter knows that and uses it to her advantage.
My wife is very understanding and knows what my relationship is all about with her and I don't let it interfere with my life except that I worry about her.
But she is a big girl and will have to deal with things as they come. I will still give her my opinion when she asks..I just wish she would listen to me and her best friend and avoid this crap.

Striker, you can't help someone that refuses to help themselves.  She's made perpetually bad choices, and it doesn't look like she's ever going to stop.  If I were you, I'd be glad you didn't marry her.  It sounds like her whole life's been a train wreck and she's done nothing to stop it.  No disrespect intended.

Quoted: You probably know about her past. Am I right?

Yes I do. Her father died when she was 3 years old. Her mother although caring believed you didn't need to tell your children you loved them. Very strong Catholic too.
Thanks for the replies everyone. It gave me something to think about.  I only give her advice when she asks for it and sometimes she listens. I wish this time had been one of them.

Thanks thedoctor308.
I won't get dragged down..hopefully between her best friend (female) and I..we can help her sort things out.
1 day at a time.

I am suing you for eye damage.  Geezus, man, you have made 21,257+ posts!  Learn to to use the return key, and break things in to paragraphs.

TRG

Quoted: I am suing you for eye damage.  Geezus, man, you have made 21,257+ posts!  Learn to to use the return key, and break things in to paragraphs. TRG

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: You probably know about her past. Am I right? Yes I do. Her father died when she was 3 years old. Her mother although caring believed you didn't need to tell your children you loved them. Very strong Catholic too. Children who lose parents, especially young girls whose fathers die or abandon them often display relationship and interpersonal problems. At the age she's forming what "normal" loving interraction between a man and a woman is, that relationship is shattered, and her world is set on its ear. And, subsequently, "normal" relationships will feel foreign to her, and she will make bad choices instinctively. Textbook, sadly.

So how do you break the cycle?

The Canadian Forces has quite a few resources for families and we have convinced her to get her son to a professional. It didn't take a lot of convincing..most of the time I think she just needs to hear from someone she trusts that her idea is a good one. She had tried through her family Dr to get him into someone but the wait list was months long. I suggested going through the military and she got an appointment with in 2 weeks.
I also told her that the counsellor most likely will want to talk to her too to help her understand what her son is going through.
I strongly suggested that she take this opportunity to
A. Tell the counsellor she is going through a rough time and
B. Ask for an appointment for herself.
I'm going to get in touch with her today and see how things are going.
Thank you everyone for your information and suggestions. I was quickly running out of idea's.

Quoted: I am thinking Jerry Springer can help out here.

With all due respect..take you jokes somewhere else..okay.

Just got off the phone with her.
She has an appointment Saturday with the counsellor that is going to see her son. I got her to promise she would tell the counsellor that she needs some help too.
It's a start.

Quoted: That sounds encouraging.  I hope she follows through and gets some help.

Me too.

Striker,I know exactly what you mean. An ex-freind (long story as to why we are not friends anymore) of mine Married her fiance knowing that he cheated on her. She still married him after I told her not to as she would regret it. And a year later they were seperated and getting a divorce.

It takes people a while and they maybe have to experience what you are telling them not to do. It works both ways with men and women. a friend of mine and TBS finally divorced his wife of 10 years because she cheated on him time and time again. Even had the proof. He wanted to work at his marrigae. We kept telling him that she would never change. and she didn't. He finally divorced her. Now he is married and has a 2 month old baby boy. And is a lot happier.

All you can do is be her friend and listen. Cause no matter what you tell her,she's got to make up her own mind!

Mona

Quoted: Quoted: Sometimes people ask for advice when they have already mde their decision and are just looking for validation. Yup. And when the advice they are given isn't what they wanted to hear.. They consider it "wrong info" and look for someone else to tell them what they want to hear.

That was one of my assumptions. Hence my..how do you get them to listen. A guy..I would wack him upside his head and say..you f**king moron".

Well she went to see the counsellor. She was given some things to try at home with him and she talked with the counsellor about herself too. She still tells me she is alright and doesn't need any help.

One day at a time..

Quoted: Quoted: She still tells me she is alright and doesn't need any help. Until this attitude changes, there is nothing you can do or say that will get her to listen.  She hasn't hit bottom yet and isn't willing to seek help. Continue being her friend and being there for her, but just know that any advice she asks for in this area of her life will very likely not be followed.  She has to want to change her life.

loonybin..sadly I'm starting to believe that...