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Posted: 8/27/2004 11:26:02 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/27/2004 11:30:33 PM EDT by sgtar15]

Lookin' for Lovin'
Fred Kernedy never hated his big nose more than when a sex-crazed pelican mistook him for a female and tried to make wild and passionate "dirty-bird love" -- to his head!

"It was awful -- a nightmare . . . I wished I was dead," says the 33-year-old man from Tampa, Fla. "All I wanted to do was throw some stale bread to the catfish swimming around in Tampa Bay.

"The next thing I know there's this pelican perched on a pole and he's looking at me with a very distinct gleam in his eye. I remember thinking, 'What's that old boy looking at?'

"And a second later I had the answer. He was looking at me."

Eyewitnesses said the hot-blooded seabird made a beeline for Kernedy, who, by his own admission, "was taken completely by surprise."

"I just stood there like an idiot while that pelican went at me like a dog in heat," he continues. "I started swinging my arms and hitting at it and trying to duck and run and scream at the same time.

"I know it sounds funny, and if it had happened to you instead of me, I'd be laughing, too. But the truth is, it's just about the sickest thing I can imagine.

"Just thinking about it sends cold chills up and down my spine."

Kernedy says he realized about 15 seconds into the attack that the bird wanted some lovin' . "I saw something I hope and pray I never see again," he says -- the business end of a pelican's manhood.

"What can I say? It was awful," he recalls, his face darkening into an angry scowl. "All of this is happening to me in just a matter of a few seconds, but at the time it seemed like it would never end.

"I knew if I didn't do something fast, I'd never be able to look at myself in a mirror again. So I dove straight down into the sandy beach that runs along the edge of the bay, and I started rolling around like you're supposed to do when your clothes catch on fire.

"The pelican stayed with me for a few more seconds -- I know what he wanted, and he wanted it bad.

"But just when I thought he was going to have his way with me, he backed off. The last thing I saw was his ugly butt flying into the sunset."

Kernedy was scratched and bruised but suffered no serious injuries other than what he calls "my wounded pride" in the trans-species sex attack.

He noticed a little later that there was a suspicious "big wet spot" on his shirt, but says, "I'm pretty sure that was just water that splashed up on me when I was rolling around on the beach."

Meanwhile, wildlife experts say it wasn't the first time a pelican has tried to mate with a human with a big nose -- and it won't be the last.

"We get four or five complaints every year, usually from tourists who wear oversized hats or those who have really big noses," says one.

"But this guy did the right thing. When a pelican goes after you, it's always smart to hit the ground rolling.

"That's usually enough to send them back to their own kind."

Link Posted: 8/27/2004 11:29:20 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2004 11:32:31 PM EDT

Wrong thread...

*walks out slowly*

Link Posted: 8/28/2004 12:12:13 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/28/2004 12:26:57 AM EDT
awww dija get humped by a pelacan sarge?
Link Posted: 8/28/2004 12:58:10 AM EDT
I do not believe that Gent will ever be able to watch Hitchcock’s movie, “The Birds”, without shrieking like a little girl seeing a frog for the first time.

Or in your case Sarge, knowing what kind of naughty SOB thou art, putting the frog down the little girls neck under her shirt.
Link Posted: 8/28/2004 1:08:42 AM EDT
Weekly World News!!!! I love that mag.

That mag reminds me of the first time I ever made love to an alien, pelican, gerbil, or honest politician.

Link Posted: 8/28/2004 1:59:20 AM EDT

I've actually seen this happen.
Link Posted: 8/28/2004 4:36:12 AM EDT

Originally Posted By GiggleSmith:
Or in your case Sarge, knowing what kind of naughty SOB thou art, putting the frog down the little girls neck under her shirt.

That's not a frog....

Link Posted: 8/28/2004 8:26:21 AM EDT
Somebody buy LordTrader airfare to Tampa

Link Posted: 8/28/2004 10:02:02 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/28/2004 1:29:29 PM EDT
He could have just said the dumb bird attacked hime and that would have been the end of it.

Why tell people something like that
Link Posted: 8/28/2004 1:31:54 PM EDT
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