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Posted: 10/12/2005 9:48:40 PM EDT
A QUESTION FOR ALL YOU MARRIED COUPLES OUT THERE:

When your mother talks bad behind your spouse's back to you, do you either:

A.  tell your spouse the bad things your mother said about him/her
B.  just not say anything to your spouse because you don't want to hurt his/her feelings
C.  confront your mother that she shouldn't talk that way about your spouse
D.  tell her the next time she speaks that way about your spouse, she'll never see her grandchildren again

---------------

I usually do A & D.  Answer D usually works--shuts my mother up.
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:18:14 PM EDT
Not much about the wife but more about my sisters.

It would normally depend on what she was complaining about. If it was something that had no remedy ... ex. why my sis had to marry her husband ... I would let that pass. But it were something that needed to be called to her attention ... ex. why my sis is doing this or that, then I tell my sis.

If need be, I do not tell the agrieved party the "gory" details. I tend to sanitize the story - but remain true to the topic concerned. I am careful not to fuel any ill feelings that may already be existing between them about the subject matter.



Its hard to be caught in the middle!
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:20:19 PM EDT
Wouldn't politely asking her to not insult your spouse be the correct answer.  I'd go with C.

And if that doesn't work draw down on her.



edited to add:  My family likes my spouse more than me.    I'm pretty sure my parents talk shit about me to my wife.
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:23:48 PM EDT
Add poll.
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:27:35 PM EDT
Depends on IF it is true.

If it IS true then it is something "I" need to be addressing with my spouse. And I will advise my relatives that it is "MY" concern and not theirs.

If it is NOT true then NO relative of mine is gonna be tolerated doing that kinda thing. That is how people get shown the door at my house.
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:28:15 PM EDT
why would you not stick up for your spouse? You like betrayal?

ETA: Wait until they're in the same room and ignore your backstabbing mom and tell your spouse everything she said.

"My mom said the most interesting thing today..."
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:29:09 PM EDT
options B & C are the way to go.  if the problem persists, option D will be the answer.  
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:32:00 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:35:23 PM EDT
To disown your mother over something such as that would be beyond fucked, but you should still stick up for your spouse.
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:46:37 PM EDT
How much is your mother's net worth.  

Seriously, I'd tell her to FOAD.  Be a man for crying out loud.  No excuse for the matriarch of the family to have no brains, class or cooth.  What an example to set for her kids/grandkids.  
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:47:44 PM EDT
From swingset's guide to being happily married:


Your family is important, but if you put it before your marriage you're a damn fool. Part of being married is MAKING a family, even if it's just you and your wife. If you unwittingly play one family against another, say by bitching about your wife to your family, guess which family falls apart? The one that costs you half your money. Don't be afraid to tell your mom, or your sister, or your siblings to butt out of your marriage. You're not a kid anymore, it's your life and sometimes that means building some defenses.



Tell your mother she is out of line, not to do it anymore, and stick to your guns.
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:48:54 PM EDT

Quoted:
How much is your mother's net worth.  

Seriously, I'd tell her to FOAD.  Be a man for crying out loud.  No excuse for the matriarch of the family to have no brains, class or cooth.  What an example to set for her kids/grandkids.  


To tell your own mother to foad is beyond disrespectful. It is simply below anyone. Being a man about something is having tolerance and dealing with things with a level head.
Link Posted: 10/12/2005 11:53:09 PM EDT
My mother has never spoken about my spouse in any negative way.
I dont' care much for people who speak behind other's backs.

Honor, dignity, integrity.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 12:02:52 AM EDT

Quoted:

Quoted:
How much is your mother's net worth.  

Seriously, I'd tell her to FOAD.  Be a man for crying out loud.  No excuse for the matriarch of the family to have no brains, class or cooth.  What an example to set for her kids/grandkids.  


To tell your own mother to foad is beyond disrespectful. It is simply below anyone. Being a man about something is having tolerance and dealing with things with a level head.



You're like, 17, right?
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 12:08:50 AM EDT

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:
How much is your mother's net worth.  

Seriously, I'd tell her to FOAD.  Be a man for crying out loud.  No excuse for the matriarch of the family to have no brains, class or cooth.  What an example to set for her kids/grandkids.  


To tell your own mother to foad is beyond disrespectful. It is simply below anyone. Being a man about something is having tolerance and dealing with things with a level head.



You're like, 17, right?


No.

And to tell your mother to FOAD is fucking horrible sorry. Might as well slap her across the face.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 12:11:41 AM EDT

Quoted:

Quoted:
How much is your mother's net worth.  

Seriously, I'd tell her to FOAD.  Be a man for crying out loud.  No excuse for the matriarch of the family to have no brains, class or cooth.  What an example to set for her kids/grandkids.  


To tell your own mother to foad is beyond disrespectful. It is simply below anyone. Being a man about something is having tolerance and dealing with things with a level head.



Respect is a 2 way street.  

Now, I agree telling mom to FOAD may be a little over the line but if my mother stuck her nose too far into my business,  I'd handle the situation.   YMMV.


Link Posted: 10/13/2005 12:11:44 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 12:11:48 AM EDT

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:
How much is your mother's net worth.  

Seriously, I'd tell her to FOAD.  Be a man for crying out loud.  No excuse for the matriarch of the family to have no brains, class or cooth.  What an example to set for her kids/grandkids.  


To tell your own mother to foad is beyond disrespectful. It is simply below anyone. Being a man about something is having tolerance and dealing with things with a level head.



You're like, 17, right?


No.

And to tell your mother to FOAD is fucking horrible sorry. Might as well slap her across the face.



I don't think anyone is advocating literally telling your mother to "fuck off and die". Telling her to mind her business.. sure.

I can't really relate, as my mother is the kindest person I know, who'd give my wife the last pint of her own blood if need be. Guess I got lucky that way.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 12:16:22 AM EDT

Quoted:
Everyone that answered in a way suggesting that they (or someone they know) has had this problem must have really rude mothers.  WTF?



Betrayal hurts - and you don't have to take it.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 12:18:12 AM EDT

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:
How much is your mother's net worth.  

Seriously, I'd tell her to FOAD.  Be a man for crying out loud.  No excuse for the matriarch of the family to have no brains, class or cooth.  What an example to set for her kids/grandkids.  


To tell your own mother to foad is beyond disrespectful. It is simply below anyone. Being a man about something is having tolerance and dealing with things with a level head.



You're like, 17, right?


No.

And to tell your mother to FOAD is fucking horrible sorry. Might as well slap her across the face.



I don't think anyone is advocating literally telling your mother to "fuck off and die". Telling her to mind her business.. sure.

I can't really relate, as my mother is the kindest person I know, who'd give my wife the last pint of her own blood if need be. Guess I got lucky that way.


I think some here would tell their own mother to fuck off and die, than again it seems many people simply dislike their family
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 12:18:54 AM EDT
I went through something similar for a short time myself. It wasn't they talked bad about her but when we first got together she was very quiet, brash(from California, not used to Texas friendliness yet) in ways when she did converse with my family. So they were very unsure how to take and did not like her one bit, of course she was not this way with me at all.

To add to all of this my family is close, hers is not. So it was uncomfortable for her, but she got adjusted to it and opened to my family. That was when we first started dating, after 3-4 months everything smoothed over and they met the real her, and now I honestly believe they favor her over me. I can't remember the last time someone sided with me on an issue.

Forgot to answer the actual question: I pretty much told them, I'm not gonna listen to it and that she's not that way. She had told me she was not used to the close knit family thing so I knew it was just a matter of time before it all changed.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 2:56:21 AM EDT

Quoted:

C.  confront your mother that she shouldn't talk that way about your spouse



I would say, "Look Mom, she's my wife and I love her.  If you keep talking like this, you will damage my relationship with you."
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 3:12:36 AM EDT
You know I was thinking I do A and C, but the more I think about it on the rare occasions that happens I do B and C.

My mother thought my wife wasn't good enough. After 12 years of marriage now she thinks I'm not good enough for my wife. Finally, she's right.
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