I fainted at 3 wedding as an alter boy.

AFter that they stopped asking me to wedding.....


Sgat1r5

I once tried to drink from Elijah's cup at a Passover Seder...



Hey, I ran outta wine.



I was stopped before I drank, thank God!

I fell asleep during Midnight Mass at Christmas.....it was the incense.  I'm sticking to that story
as I have since I was 11 when it happened.

Oh, I was AT THE ALTAR when I fell asleep.  Not by it, AT IT.  Holding
the platter with the Host on it.   Nice.......Didn't drop any though... just clanged
the brass plate onto the altar.    

I whirled and sniffed the little glass of communion "wine" at a United Methodist chapel in a little town in Northeastern Ohio.

Of course it was Welch's Grape Juice.  I was used to real wine being served in the church where I grew up.

The minister said something about how obvious it was I was from California.  My brother-in-law, who had been sitting next to me in the front pew, never let me hear the end of it.

I used to play drums at this local church for a few years. Each Sunday the pastor would lead the congregation in an opening prayer before the first worship set. Anyway, one morning I was running a little late and they had already started praying when I got there. Well, I had played a show with my band the night before and had taken an 18" crash cymbal that I also used on my set at church. So, with everyone's eyes closed, I figured I could put it back on my stand before the prayer ended. Bad idea. I got behind the set and started to lean foward to the cymbal stand when all of a sudden I realize that my foot is tangled in my monitor's chord. I tried to maintain my balance, but it was too late. In a matter of a second, I am falling foward and my knee bashs my mic'd snare drum right into my mic'd bass drum, at the same time losing my grip on the crash cymbal dropping it right onto the hard floor. BAM! THUD! CRASH!  Oh my gosh, I might as well have had 10 tons of dynomite; It was so loud.

 After all that, of course, all eyes opened and turned to me. I got to my feet and just kind of gazed around for a second. I am told I basically turned red. In kind of a daze, I put my snare back in place and picked up my cymbal and basically tried to act all cool about it like nothing happened.  After about 5 seconds (seemed like an hour) of silence, I looked up into one of the overhead mics and said "Uhhh . . . sorry." That's all I could think of. Everyone just busted up laughing. I felt relieved and laughed with them. I finished the service and after church people jokingly gave me a hard time and said things like "Hey, nice solo!" and "That startled me. Make sure you yell 'whipeout' before you do that next time."

Quoted: I whirled and sniffed the little glass of communion "wine" at a United Methodist chapel in a little town in Northeastern Ohio. Of course it was Welch's Grape Juice.  I was used to real wine being served in the church where I grew up. The minister said something about how obvious it was I was from California.  My brother-in-law, who had been sitting next to me in the front pew, never let me hear the end of it.

Now THAT'S funny

I still remember, we used Mogen David at my church, guess
it was cheap or something.  Tasted like crap.  Now that I am a wine drinker I couldn't
even think of drinking the nasty stuff.  My church now uses somekind of Gallo. It's
better than the MD, but not much.....

... As a young man, I grew up in a strict Catholic upbringing. Dad made a public servants wage and mom stayed home to tend to her five young boys.

... When I was nine, Mom and Dad sat my three younger brothers and myself down to explain that we can expect another sibling in about 8 months.

... Later, without them knowing I was listening (or realizing what I would retain) Mom and Dad were discussing what financial impact this would have on the family. Dad had decided to go for a vasectomy.

... The part I heard (and recalled) was "This is the last one, there's no more after Dad gets fixed".

... One of the following Sundays, the whole family was standing in front of the church after mass. The Priest was beaming at the news Mom and Dad just broke to him about "number five on the way".

... The Father says he is so happy for our family and true to my form, I blurt out "Yeah, but this is the last one; Dad's getting fixed!"

... My ass was beaten raw by Dad (a strict disciplinarian Marine) when we got home. Today, it's just an embarrassing memory that haunts me.

They tell me, that when I was being baptized, I urinated all over the priest's arm!

I guess I can't really say I was embarrassed, though, since I really don't remember it---probably because I was so totally drunk that day!!




OK----I admit it.  The story is not true.




It wasn't urine ......

When I was a Alter Boy serving a Funeral, I let out a huge belch and it was one of those loud ones that sounded like chunks came up

I was at choir practice and my 3 year old boy was reading books in the pews.  I hear a gasp and look up.  My boy had to go to the bathroom.  Instead of coming up and telling me, he simply stood in the isle and had pulled down his pants.

I literally threw the music, ran down the isle to my son, picked him up, and carried him to the restroom.  Noticed quite a few chuckles that day in church.

I was a groomsman in my brother's wedding.  My breakfast wasn't sitting right and I was stuck in the bathroom before the ceremony.  The time came to start and I was still working things out.  The organist was in the sanctuary playing to fill time (some people thought my brother was getting cold feet!).

Everyone is knocking on the door, trying to hurry nature along.  Finally I finish and we go out to do the wedding.  Everything goes smoothly from there.

After the wedding party left up the aisle, myself and another groomsman came back in to usher guests out one pew at a time, he on on side of the aisle and me on the other.  We had done about 4 or 5 rows when I noticed my fly was open!  I left the bathroom in such a rush I didn't zip up and went through the entire ceremony open!

Fortunately, it didn't show up in any pictures!

Quoted: ... Fortunately, it didn't show up in any pictures!

... Perhaps so bro, but your humorous testimony is forever logged and recorded in the annals of ARFCOM history by professing

.. sucka
... j/k

we go to a Lutheran church and a buddy of mine had his CHL with him.  as you may know Lutherans like to stand up and sit down a lot.  up and down, up and down all service long.
well he was on the way up one time and his CHL slips out of his holster and clatters on the tile floor.
you could have heard a pin drop.  his wife turns purple and he picks it up and sticks it back in his pants like nothing happened.  

Quoted: Quoted: I whirled and sniffed the little glass of communion "wine" at a United Methodist chapel in a little town in Northeastern Ohio. Of course it was Welch's Grape Juice.  I was used to real wine being served in the church where I grew up. The minister said something about how obvious it was I was from California.  My brother-in-law, who had been sitting next to me in the front pew, never let me hear the end of it. Now THAT'S funny I still remember, we used Mogen David at my church, guess it was cheap or something.  Tasted like crap.  Now that I am a wine drinker I couldn't even think of drinking the nasty stuff.  My church now uses somekind of Gallo. It's better than the MD, but not much.....

hey, my church used MD.  it's a good wine for teh service.  do you really want a thimble full of a 25.00 bordeaux right before you go to luby's cafeteria  

Good thread.

Once as a child I was singing in the choir one Sunday morning.  I had a bouncy ball zipped up in my bible.  When the sermon started and I opened my bible up, to my and my dad's horror, who was sitting right next to me, the bouncy ball fell out, bounced it's way across the stage and into the pews.

I should have gotten a beating, but I think the fact that I was singing in the choir that day gave me a pass.

When I was young it occured to me one summer in Mass that I had a lot of attractive girls in my church. A certain part of my body whole-heartedly agreed with me with stunningly bad timing. I got in trouble when we got home for not standing. Oh the irony.

When I was a freshman in HS, my youngest brother was 2 or so.  My mom sang in the church choir, so we would all sit up front where she could keep an eye on us.  My other brothers and I were hellions.  Being the hellions that we were, my dad would frequently "raise his voice" at us, though he rarely ever laid a hand to us (that was mom's domain).  It was highly frowned upon if we used any colorful language so we usually just yelled..."You Jerk."  My dad would reply (quite often) "For God Sakes...." followed by the offending son's name and what he was going to do if we did that act again.  Dad would usually emphasize his declaration with good Irish "Dammit!"

Anyway, back to church.  My 2 year old brother Joe would whisper just loud enough for me and my brothers to hear...

Joe:  "Can I say.....You Jerk?"

Me:  "Shhhh, no you can't say that...we are in Church."

Joe:  "Can I say.....For God's Sake?"

Me:  "Shhhh, Joe...you are going to get in trouble."

Joe:  "Can I say.....Dammit???"

Me:  "Shhhh...Joe, we are in church.  We need to be quiet.  Mom is watching us and God is      watching us."

Joe:  "FOR GOD'S SAKE DAMMIT YOU JERK!!!!!"

Mass ground to a screaching halt.  The entire parish was in a state of shock for what seemed like an eternity.  Then laughter broke out.  My dad about killed us.  I wanted to die right there.  I figured if I died in church, I would be a martyr and go straight to heaven.  Mom was so mortified, she excused herself from the service that day.

I look back on it now an laugh, but man...did we get an ass beating that day.  Which is odd, because Joe was primarily repeating what he heard dad say so often.

Quoted: I look back on it now an laugh, but man...did we get an ass beating that day.  Which is odd, because Joe was primarily repeating what he heard dad say so often.

Kids will do that!  When my 14 year-old was a toddler she started saying, "Bonehead!"

My wife wondered where she got it from.  It was from riding in the car with me.  It was my favorite term of endearment when referring to stupid, careless drivers.  Fortunately, I didn't use more colorful language!

The music was really going, and people were clapping and getting into the Spirit.

The pastor's granddaughter was there that evening, and my mom usually sees to her when she's there. The little girl was clapping with my mom and all of a sudden she busted out with "shake your booty, shake your booty." My gosh, that was hilarious.

She was bustin' out ghetto dance moves in church. She learned those from her mother, of course, not the pastor.

Before we got confirmed at our church, we had to go through a series of examinations. Basically, once every month or so, the Pastor would set aside a certian time during the service when he would call each person from that confirmation class up to the pulpit to answer some of the Pastor's questions in front of the congregation. When my turn came up, the last question my Pastor asked me was *supposed* to be "what are some examples where swearing an oath is permissible?" (i.e. taking an oath in court). He obviously got mixed up, though, and the question that he ended up asking was "can you give us some examples of swearing?" Nervous as I was, I didn't know what to say and just kinda uttered an "uh...." into the microphone. Then the church burst out laughing, I must have been as red as brake light. After I sat down in my pew again I finally comprehended what  just happened.

A lot of times I don't get enough sleep and start to doze off during the sermon. It's not uncommon for me to have one eye partially open, or to drift into the edge of consciousness only to snap! back to awakeness embarassingly. This often produces eye-to-eye preaching from the Pastor...

Finally - not involving me - I heard a story years later from our Pastor. He was doing some sort of Bible study and used a Bible verse that goes something like "we are but dust compared to thee O Lord". Apparently a little girl in the "audience" then turned to her mother and asked, "mommy, what's butt dust?"