What do you say to a friend who is dying of cancer?

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - What do you say to a friend who is dying of cancer?

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:12:52 AM EDT

The no chance, no possible successful treatment type? I can't say "Get well soon" or "You'll get over it".

Maybe I should just ask if he saw the sun rise or that big orange moon out last night.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:14:16 AM EDT

[#1]

Just talk to him like you would if he wasn't sick.

If I was dying, the last thing I would want would be for everyone to sit around acting like I'm gonna die.

They can save that shit for after I've kicked the bucket.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:14:41 AM EDT

[#2]

Quoted:
The no chance, no possible successful treatment type? I can't say "Get well soon" or "You'll get over it". Maybe I should just ask if he saw the sun rise or that big orange moon out last night.

Maybe just level with him, and tell him that you can't possibly understand what he is going through, and that you're sorry. Tell him how much you appreciate him, and if there is ANYTHING he needs, he only needs to ask.

Most of the people I have met, are prepared better than you think, just give him any support you can.

ETA: after reading above. you can mention this once. Tell you are there for him, then act normal. If he wants to talk, he will.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:14:56 AM EDT

[#3]

I'm here. I love you.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:15:37 AM EDT

[#4]

You don't say anything. You listen.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:15:58 AM EDT

[#5]

I don't know, man. Just be there and be a buddy I guess.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:16:29 AM EDT

[#6]

Quoted:
The no chance, no possible successful treatment type? I can't say "Get well soon" or "You'll get over it". Maybe I should just ask if he saw the sun rise or that big orange moon out last night.

Damn that's sad. I don't think you can say anything. Just support them and be their friend and that should say all that can be said.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:16:38 AM EDT

[#7]

Quoted:
Just talk to him like you would if he wasn't sick.

If I was dying, the last thing I would want would be for everyone to sit around acting like I'm gonna die.

They can save that shit for after I've kicked the bucket.

+eleventeen

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:17:44 AM EDT

[#8]

That you have enjoyed his friendship and companionship, and that without him your life will always have an unfillable void.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:18:15 AM EDT

[#9]

Quoted:
You don't say anything. You listen.

+1 billion

Just being there is what you do.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:20:02 AM EDT

[#10]

My dad died of cancer and my mom is currently dying of cancer.
You look them in the eye and you talk to them like its another day. Make everyday the best it can be for them and help them to see and hear as much as they can. Go out of your way for them.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:20:45 AM EDT

[#11]

"Maybe I should just ask if he saw the sun rise or that big orange moon out last night." That would be a good start!

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:21:39 AM EDT

[#12]

Ive never been in that situation.

But when one of my very good friends died someone could tell that i wasnt taking it well at all and came over and had a few words with me.

He basically said "Its not goodbye...its just see ya later"

And as weird as it might seem that really helped me.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:21:44 AM EDT

[#13]

Have fun and make them laugh.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:24:53 AM EDT

[#14]

I was in that situation two years ago. My friend had a recurrence of cancer she'd been treated for previously.

She said her peritoneum had numerous small tumors, the cancer had metastatized throughout her body.

I asked her "Is there any way to treat it?"

She replied "No."

That was the last we ever talked about the cancer. From that point on I continued to be her friend, and we just never talked about it. Her husband called me just about a year ago to tell me she had passed on.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:25:04 AM EDT

[#15]

Quoted:
Have fun and make them laugh.

Yep.

My dad went through his father's death like that. My grandfather was in the hospital for a few months before he died and dad would go in and talk to him just like it was any other day. My grandfather got a lot of good laughs.

Dad was the only person in the family who could make him eat, too. All he had to do was tell him "Look, either you're going to eat this stuff or they're going to insert it anally." He stopped refusing to eat after that, lol.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:25:38 AM EDT

[#16]

When you figure it out, let me know because I'm going through the same thing.

This is good advice:

Quoted:
You don't say anything. You listen.

Just BE there, and quietly. Don't try to force conversation. Your friend will become increasingly "beyond" small talk. And you may feel some rejection as he lets go of this life and withdraws into himself.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:32:37 AM EDT

[#17]

Does he have a family? Kids? if you're a REALLY good friend, maybe you could assure him that you will do your best to look out for them.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:33:55 AM EDT

[#18]

My mother died from cancer in December. I flew back to NJ to be with her a week before she passed. After 7.5 years in the infantry with one combat deployment, 7.5 years in law enforcement, it ws the most difficult mission I have ever had. I knew I was going back there to watch her die, and there was nothing I could do. I'm glad I got there when I did. She knew I was there with her. After hospice got involved, she was placed on morphine, ever increasing. The morphine eventually put her in a drug-induced coma. The only thing we could do were little things to make her comfortable or just hold her hand.

Every day is a gift. Just be there for him. If he is a person of faith or not pray for or with him. It doesn't make a difference if he wants to be a 4th Quarter believer, the Lord loves us all. Don't deny him that last chance to be saved. There are no atheists in foxholes or on death-beds.

Spend time with him. Just remember it is going to take a toll on you too. You should have someone to talk to, to keep your mental health in check.

God bless him and you!

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:36:28 AM EDT

[#19]

Just talk to him like normal. If he brings it up, talk about death. Most people want to know they did good. Good friend, good father, good husband, etc... They want to know they made a difference in people's lives especially loved ones. Its tough for everyone.

God bless,

Shok

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:36:30 AM EDT

[#20]

You find out what unfinished business they have, and help them do it.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:39:21 AM EDT

[#21]

All of this is good advice.

I'm glad I have a heart, but sometimes I wish I didn't

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:39:21 AM EDT

[#22]

We are all dieing, some of us are just dieing faster than others and most of us do not know it.
Your friend has been told that he is.
Be with him and do things he likes to- go shooting, hunting, fishing, etc. as often as possible.
If possible find out if there is anything he would like to do such as a trip/vacation and take of all of the details.
Let him know that you will be there for him and that you will help take of the things that need to be taken care of IF he is gone especially related to family things.
Help him prepare mentally and spiritually.
I have a friend who was told she would be dead within six months from lung cancer and she is still a live and active eight years later.
She did not listen to her doctors that told her it was hopeless and seached, most through the internet, for newer treatments the doctors in her area were not doing and sought them out.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:40:48 AM EDT

[#23]

So true what Rodent said about those who are soon to leave this vale of tears being in a different state of mind, and small talk has no meaning, and earthly ties are less important.

This is NOT rejection. It is a healthy and necessary acceptance of departure.

No one knows "how" they wil deal with death until they get there. We quite simply "can't" feel what they feel... or have much understanding of what they feel. We will all be there soon enough.

Just being there is what counts, and letting your friend lead the tone of the interaction. Sometimes it helps to bring a good book, so that you can just sit quietly without the silence feeling so awkward for yourself.

Often times, those going into the end stage of life do not want "goodbyes" and deep talk, they want to Fade Away.

Posted: 4/13/2006 8:53:02 AM EDT

[#24]

Quoted:
I'm here. I love you.

+1

Posted: 4/13/2006 9:01:00 AM EDT

[#25]

Do you prefer red headed hookers, or blondes?

Posted: 4/13/2006 9:08:09 AM EDT

[#26]

Smile and ask if you can have all his stuff. I was at the hospital and thats what my friend said. He was kidding but it made me laugh.

Posted: 4/13/2006 9:08:36 AM EDT

[#27]

I just went through this about a month ago. The woman who practically raised me finally gave in to lung cancer.

Subnetmask is right. Just be there. Listen.

I was lucky enough to be able to spend some time with her before she went too far downhill. It's something I'll never forget, being there for someone who was always there for me. When the end was near, I just sat quietly with her, told her I loved her and thanked her for helping me become what I am today.

Damn.....

Posted: 4/13/2006 9:18:12 AM EDT

[#28]

If it's a terminally ill Arfcommer, there is only one thing to say:

"So.......can I have your guns?"

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - What do you say to a friend who is dying of cancer?

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