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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 12/21/2001 6:43:45 AM EDT
Fruitcakes Face Machine-Gun Fire RENO, Nev. (Reuters) - Drop it from a tall building? Hardly a scratch. Shoot it with a submachine gun? It survives. But run it over with a sport utility vehicle or kick it like a football and it crumbles, according to a just published investigation into that evergreen Christmas question: How can you get rid of the fruitcake? The Reno Gazette-Journal, in an effort to rid its readers' homes of the unloved seasonal treat, mounted a series of experiments to determine the best way to destroy a gift ``nearly everyone receives and few actually want.'' ``The SUV was what did them in most definitively,'' Camille Hayes, the Gazette-Journal reporter who organized the fruitcake survival test, said on Thursday. Hayes marshaled several aides and, using store-bought fruitcakes, organized the punishment. The first test involved dropping fruitcakes from the roof of a two-story house onto a concrete basketball court. ``In the moments before it was let fly, our team wondered if the fruitcake would shatter, bounce or remain intact. The answer was none of the above,'' Hayes recounted. Instead, the cake survived the drop relatively unscathed, exhibiting only a few ``fissures'' in its dense body. The second test involved running over a fruitcake with a 3,000-pound sport utility vehicle. This proved to be more effective, leaving a ``tire-marked, raisin-flecked smear on the asphalt,'' Hayes wrote. A third test, submitting the fruitcake to the power of a football place kicker, was also gratifying, resulting in an explosion of candied fruit as the fruitcake disintegrated. [b]Strangely, a uniquely Nevada-style solution to the fruitcake problem -- shooting them with submachine guns -- proved disappointing, Hayes said. ``Nevada is a state in which machine guns are legal to own and operate, so I thought it would be a treat to see what one did,'' Hayes said. Not much, as it turned out. Pummeling a pair of target fruitcakes with two M-11 fully automatic submachine guns resulted in only minor damage, Hayes reported. ``The larger cake proved especially resilient. Rather than shattering it into the smithereens we had expected, the volley of bullets merely nibbled at its edges. And as for the dark center of the beast, it proved too dense to lose its shape.''[/b] Hayes said her fruitcake demolition campaign had garnered largely favorable reviews from the readers of the Reno Gazette, and that she might try again next year with some more ambitious strategies -- like dropping fruitcakes from a helicopter.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 7:43:24 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/21/2001 7:38:52 AM EDT by DoubleFeed]
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 7:53:24 AM EDT
I have it on good authority that there are only two dozen fruitcakes in existence. It just appears that there are many, many more because people who receive one as a gift, keep sending it out to others as gifts. Eric The(ToDetermineAge,CutItHorizontallyAndCountT­heRings!)Hun[>]:)]
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 8:08:42 AM EDT
I remember my Grandmother and her friends having tea and fruitcake. I don't think I'll ever get over that.[BD]
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 8:19:01 AM EDT
I am the anomolous miscreation that will be the downfall of mankind. I am a freak. FRUIT CAKE RULES! Flame suit on. Go ahead and let 'em fly.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 8:27:52 AM EDT
Originally Posted By DesertRider: I am the anomolous miscreation that will be the downfall of mankind. I am a freak. FRUIT CAKE RULES! Flame suit on. Go ahead and let 'em fly.
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I guess it's a Caliban thing, I like it too[%|]
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 8:57:55 AM EDT
He should have eaten a piece of it to see if it changed any when it came out the other end. My guess is it wouldn't.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 11:13:38 AM EDT
I like good fruitcake. I guess we can start using nasty, cheap store-bought fruitcake in lieu of kevlar when our benevolent protectors decide kevlar is too dangerous for us to own.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 11:32:44 AM EDT
The second test involved running over a fruitcake with a 3,000-pound sport utility vehicle. This proved to be more effective, leaving a ``tire-marked, raisin-flecked smear on the asphalt,'' Hayes wrote. Well, that pretty much sums it up. BAN ALL SUVs!!! Do it for the fruitcakes!!!!!!
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 11:35:40 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 11:40:57 AM EDT
I think they should replace the reactive armor on the M1A1 with a good layering of fruitcakes.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 12:18:01 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 12:37:13 PM EDT
The reason the gun test didn't work is because they were using sub-machine guns - and .380s at that. What could they expect? If they really want to lay waste to the fruitcake heathens, they should use a 20mm anti-material rifle or a short-barrel automatic shotgun. Most pistol calibers just weren't designed to penetrate fruitcake flesh - except for .454 Casull and the big .50s (namely, Action Express and Maximum). The .50 caliber AMT Automag was actually originally designed for fruitcake extermination.
Link Posted: 12/21/2001 12:43:58 PM EDT
Damn! I love fruitcake. Send them to me!
Link Posted: 12/22/2001 11:30:37 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/22/2001 11:25:56 PM EDT by DoubleFeed]
Link Posted: 12/23/2001 1:40:38 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/23/2001 3:29:48 AM EDT by osprey21]
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