Well my company is officially pussified now

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Well my company is officially pussified now

Posted: 12/19/2005 12:51:41 PM EDT

just got this via email.......

The following information is provided as a guideline for building emergency situations.

EVACUATION

Evacuation of personnel from a floor or building may be necessary for several reasons:
fire, ruptured water or steam lines, toxic fumes, explosions, bomb threats, adverse weather
conditions or civil uprisings.

PLANNING IS KEY. Evacuation exit route plans are posted on each floor.
Exit signs are used to identify all exit doors. Notification to evacuate can be given in a
number of ways: alert tone, or verbal direction in the area concerned.
Evacuation announcements made will include instructions
based on the nature of the emergency.

The format of the announcement will generally be as follows:

Armed Threat

May I have your attention, please. (Repeat) There is an armed intruder at this location.
All employees are advised to seek shelter immediately. Remain out of sight. Please
barricade yourself inside the nearest office and wait for further instruction via the public
address system. Do not, I repeat, do not use your phones and tie-up the lines.

Barricade my ass. there won't be just one armed asshole in the building if that shit happens. NO security at the site just close your door and hope someone doesn't enjoy shooting sheep in a pen.

Posted: 12/19/2005 12:58:49 PM EDT

[#1]

Maybe you'll get to put on your tights and cape! Super Mike to the rescue. Draw Down!

Posted: 12/19/2005 1:01:13 PM EDT

[#2]

Quoted:
Maybe you'll get to put on your tights and cape! Super Mike to the rescue. Draw Down!

i wear my cape and tights EVERY day

Posted: 12/19/2005 1:03:17 PM EDT

[#3]

How will you be able to tell their is an armed intruder? You won't hear the gun shots over the bleating...

Seriously though, my office would probably react horribly to this sort of thing. Bunch of limp wristed dudes and weomen here.

Posted: 12/19/2005 1:15:11 PM EDT

[#4]

Quoted:
Armed Threat

May I have your attention, please. (Repeat) There is an armed intruder at this location.
All employees are advised to seek shelter immediately. Remain out of sight. Please
barricade yourself inside the nearest office and wait for further instruction via the public
address system. Do not, I repeat, do not use your phones and tie-up the lines.

Revised Policy

Armed Threat

May I have your attention, please. (Repeat) There is an armed intruder at this location. All employees are advised to draw their personal or company issued firearms. Please go to your predetermined positions. Those employees with the scoped rifles are to head to the roof. Those with fully automatic weapons please cover the hallways. Remain out of sight. Anyone without a weapon please barricade yourself inside the nearest office then report to human resources after this incident to be issued a firearm. Please wait for further instruction via the public address system. Do not, I repeat, do not use your phones and tie-up the lines. Please take up your assigned ambush positions.

Posted: 12/19/2005 1:22:32 PM EDT

[#5]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Armed Threat

May I have your attention, please. (Repeat) There is an armed intruder at this location.
All employees are advised to seek shelter immediately. Remain out of sight. Please
barricade yourself inside the nearest office and wait for further instruction via the public
address system. Do not, I repeat, do not use your phones and tie-up the lines.

Revised Policy

Armed Threat

May I have your attention, please. (Repeat) There is an armed intruder at this location. All employees are advised to draw their personal or company issued firearms. Please go to your predetermined positions. Those employees with the scoped rifles are to head to the roof. Those with fully automatic weapons please cover the hallways. Remain out of sight. Anyone without a weapon please barricade yourself inside the nearest office then report to human resources after this incident to be issued a firearm. Please wait for further instruction via the public address system. Do not, I repeat, do not use your phones and tie-up the lines. Please take up your assigned ambush positions.

All Hands Battle Stations! All Hands Battle Stations! This is not a drill!

I shortened it for you.

Posted: 12/19/2005 1:25:59 PM EDT

[#6]

We call them security alerts, arm ourselves, and start hunting for those that don't belong.

Posted: 12/19/2005 1:32:07 PM EDT

[#7]

Too many variables at work. I would barricade and wait for the guy with the gun.
With my luck I would shoot somebody running around with a gun thinking it was the nut only to find out it was the new guy I didn't meet yet that was also a gun junkie on bad guy safari

or he would shoot me by accident

Posted: 12/19/2005 1:39:26 PM EDT

[#8]

Quoted:
just got this via email.......

The following information is provided as a guideline for building emergency situations.

EVACUATION

Evacuation of personnel from a floor or building may be necessary for several reasons:
fire, ruptured water or steam lines, toxic fumes, explosions, bomb threats, adverse weather
conditions or civil uprisings.

PLANNING IS KEY. Evacuation exit route plans are posted on each floor.
Exit signs are used to identify all exit doors. Notification to evacuate can be given in a
number of ways: alert tone, or verbal direction in the area concerned.
Evacuation announcements made will include instructions
based on the nature of the emergency.

The format of the announcement will generally be as follows:

Armed Threat

May I have your attention, please. (Repeat) There is an armed intruder at this location.
All employees are advised to seek shelter immediately. Remain out of sight. Please
barricade yourself inside the nearest office and wait for further instruction via the public
address system. Do not, I repeat, do not use your phones and tie-up the lines.

Barricade my ass. there won't be just one armed asshole in the building if that shit happens. NO security at the site just close your door and hope someone doesn't enjoy shooting sheep in a pen.

Announcement should read as follows

Attention Employees unfortunatly you will see many police officers and detectives in the area there was a threat of an armed intruder. There is no longer any threat to your safety as The Beer Slayer has taken care of the problem please attend to business as usual.

Posted: 12/19/2005 1:40:05 PM EDT

[#9]

At work, the only safety concern I have is stepping over the cows that tip over.

Posted: 12/19/2005 2:29:43 PM EDT

[#10]

The vast majority of your coworkers, upon hearing that announcement, will likely all leave their offices to confer with all their co-workers to ask, "did they really just say there was someone with a gun in here?"

Posted: 12/19/2005 2:34:42 PM EDT

[#11]

Don't you work for IBM? Use the servers as cover and start flinging thinkpads at them.

Posted: 12/19/2005 2:39:32 PM EDT

[#12]

my company has a policy against firearms at works so i have custom made flamethrower. now when one of the middle level white collar guys goes postal after he is fired im gonna hose the sucker down toast his azz up like a christmas turduckin...

save my fellow workers and the taxpayer's dime at the same time.. god willing...

Posted: 12/19/2005 2:43:06 PM EDT

[#13]

We got similar crap at our plant. We actually make military components used to kill and the security here is less noticeable than Wal-Mart! We actually hired the St. Vincent DePaul Security Company. Guy rides around on a bike checking license plates. Not sure what he does with the data but he's checking them

The plant manager sent out a memo last summer..."due to the recent reports of homeless people and non-employees entering our plant, please do your part to stop and ask them to leave” And we have of course a no-weapon policy at work…

Asshat wants me to engineer the most complicated jet engine components in the world and perform security with a #2 pencil…..

Posted: 12/19/2005 2:43:11 PM EDT

[#14]

My office has a similar policy:

"If confronted by an angry person entering the building you should loudly state useful info such as "Oh DEAR that is a large shotgun you have Mr. Jones, you say you are here to kill aimless? I will buzz him and let him know" Meanwhile you are to keep him occupied in order to give me a chance to grab the office AR, flee into the cellar and lock the door. Only after you are aware that I have safely locked myself in the cellar are you to then dial 911 for assistance."

Posted: 12/19/2005 2:46:38 PM EDT

[#15]

Addenda to Policy:

In case of extreme isolation of the work place, and the inablility to obtain foodstuffs for personnel.

When the Snack Machines run out, and Fatty Jones' private stash in his desk is gone, personnel still have the obligation to keep working. In keeping with this obligation, the company now condones the practice of cannibalism. Rather than eating the smallest and weakest of the workforce, the company will allow the consumption of the least productive workers. A list will be published weekly--the lowest ranked on the list may be consumed by their co-workers without corporate reprisal or sanction.

That is all.

Please return to work now.

Posted: 12/19/2005 2:46:40 PM EDT

[#16]

I want to know who's going to make the announcment.

(At security desk)
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yes, I'm about to rampage in your building with these rifles, shotguns and pistols."
"I see. Just wait one second please, while I make an announcement"
(Announcement made)
"Thank you. The escalator is down the hall to your left. Have a nice day"
"And yourself." *BLAM*

NTM

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Well my company is officially pussified now

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