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Posted: 6/29/2002 7:22:07 PM EDT
When some Egyptian archeologist discovered a very old mummy they were unable to date it. None of their tests were consistent. Some KGB agents who happened to be near by heard about the problem and volunteered to solve it for them. Their offer was refused; what could they know about such matters? Finally in desperation for the KGB men were allowed into the room with the mummy. An hour later they emerged. "The mummy is from 3625 BC," they said. "How can you be so sure?" the startled Egyptians asked. "He confessed!"
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 7:23:47 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 7:29:30 PM EDT
This link is for the Feds. Check out the yellow bar at the bottom. [url]www.arab2.com/a/jokes/iran-jokes.htm[/url]
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 7:35:30 PM EDT
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from California to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So was that a two lane road or four?"
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 7:37:46 PM EDT
As husbands and wives will, from time to time, my wife and I were having the discussion about what would happen in the eventuality that one of us would predecease the other like...tomorrow night. The usual "would you remarry?" questions were asked and answered. I asked my wife, "If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, and you were the last woman alive on the face of the Earth, would you help procreate the species? Assume there were 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably attractive, and totally repugnant." My wife asked, "Are you alive or dead?" "Where I was standing at the moment the war broke out is now a smoking hole," I informed her. A few moments of consideration. "Yes, reluctantly, if I were the last woman on the face of the Earth, and the survival of the species depended on it, I'd have to do what was necessary." I was wandering into the kitchen to refill my drink when I heard this, muttered under her breath: "...bet your ass, I'd set myself up as Queen, though."
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 7:41:40 PM EDT
INTERNET woman: woman of difficult access. SERVER woman: always busy when you need her. WINDOWS woman: everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but none can live without her. POWERPOINT woman: only Bill Gates has the will to use her more than half an hour. EXCEL woman: they say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. WORD woman: she has always a surprise reserved for you, but no one in the world is able to fully understand her DOS woman.: everyone has had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore. BACKUP woman: you have always believed that she has everything you need, but when the "X-hour" comes, you find out that she has always missed something VIRUS woman: also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her to, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, but if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything. SCANDISK woman: you know that she is good and that she only wants to help you, but you never know what she is really doing that for. SCREENSAVER woman: she is not worth for anything, but at least she's fun! RAM woman: she forgets everything you say when you disconnect her. HARD-DISK woman: she remembers everything, FOR EVER. MULTIMEDIA woman: she makes horrible things look beautiful. MICROSOFT woman: she want to have the domination over all the men she meets, and she tries to convince them that this is the best thing for them. She will do as best as she can to make you fight against the other women, she promises you that you will have everything you want if you will give her your address book. Before you find it out, she will be the only one in your life. It will come the day you will need her permission to open your refrigerator or to start your car. PASSWORD woman: you believe to be the only one knowing her, but in reality all the world does.... MP3 woman: everybody wants to take her... USER woman: She fucks up everything she does and she ask always more than she needs. CPU woman: From outside, she looks like she has everything, but from inside she is empty... MONITOR woman: She makes life looks more shining. CD-ROM woman: she is always faster and faster. DATAWAREHOUSING woman: she keeps you informed of everything, except of what you really want to know. E-MAIL woman: Out of every ten things she says, eight are bullshit....
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 7:45:03 PM EDT
One more for the road. Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead." "That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 8:08:46 PM EDT
I just couldn't resist. Two of Mullah Nasruddin's daughters, Meenah and Neenah, have just arrived in the USA looking for a better prosperous life. On arrival Meenah says to Neenah, "Father said that people in this country eat dogs." "Odd!" says Neenah, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding, they walk towards a hot dog vendor that they spot. "Two dogs, please," says Neenah. The vendor is only too please to oblige and wraps two hot dogs and hands them over the counter. Excited, the sisters hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs’. Meenah is the first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to Neenah and whispers cautiosuly, "What part did you get?"
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 8:23:20 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2002 8:24:48 PM EDT by ar10er]
I hope someone is getting a laugh out of these. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAÏVE ....Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? ...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 8:29:43 PM EDT
A Soviet worker saves enough rubles to buy a new car. He goes to the Soviet Ministry of Automobile Sales and places his order. "Your car will be ready for you six years from today," says the clerk at the ministry. "Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?" askes the worker. "What will it matter six years from now?" "The plumber is coming in the afternoon!"
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 8:38:07 PM EDT
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!! DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 10:27:23 PM EDT
An Oklahoma farmer was out swathing the hay and needed his son to rake it,couldn't find him anywhere so looked in the barn. Sure enough there he was doing what young boys do when left along,with too much tatestrone flowing. His dad told him ,Son do you know every time you do that you are killing some one that might have lived! His son said I'm sorry dad will never happen again. Well after his father bailed the hay he needed his son to help him load it into the barn, and he was no where to be found. So he went into the barn and his son had just finnished an armoius display of self gratification ,his jisum hit the top wire of the five wire fence ,spun around hit the next wire,spun around hit the next wire, spun around hit the next wire,and so on untill it hit the ground. His father was just within inches of getting his huge hands on his little neck, When he hears his son say Damn too bad it died,might have been an acrobat! Bob
Link Posted: 6/29/2002 10:35:05 PM EDT
There's a guy standing on the bridge, getting ready to "take the plunge" and "solve" all his problems. In the deep depths of his depression, he happens to look at the riverbank. On the riverbank, he sees a man with no arms, dancing about like a dervish! "Well now, if that man - with no arms - can dance about like that, what have I got to worry about? How bad can my life be?" So, our hero goes down to the riverbank to thank his newfound "friend." "Let me tell you something - I was up on that bridge, about to jump, and I saw you. I couldn't believe you were dancing around like you are - you are so happy I changed my mind and decided not to jump! Is there anything I can do for you in return?" To which the man replied, "I'm not dancing! My a$$hole itches!" FFZ
Link Posted: 6/30/2002 7:29:27 AM EDT
Just a chance for the day crew to laugh.
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