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Posted: 2/26/2007 7:08:36 AM EST
Link Posted: 2/26/2007 7:38:09 AM EST
Link Posted: 2/26/2007 12:08:53 PM EST

Originally Posted By CockedandLocked:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Perhaps because we are too lazy to replace the batteries and the wife is at the supermarket


Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Consider it a spanking, minus the leather


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

<House MD>People lie</House MD>

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Magic


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Because the dump and the prison are on opposite sides of town...poor planning, BTW.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Jane no likem facial hair!

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

He doesn't want to break a perfectly good gun with his hard head.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

They're not helmets. They're flight simulators...poor bastards have no clue what they're doing.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

holdouts

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

stop farting in the tub, CnL!


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

no

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

already told you! Wife is at the supermarket. She's ninjalike in her re-stocking

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

because they are too cheap to buy a dyson

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

wash your hands once and awhile!

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Spitefully...that's only my opinion...but I am sticking to it!

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

You should be damn happy they apologized, up here they look back over their shoulder at your corpse and snicker.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Grace fades


In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

People who complain about heat are stupid. Or have never lived thru a New England Winter. Which makes them technically smarter than me and therefore they should be tortured and forced to kiss Hilary Clinton square on the mouth.


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

So few of them survive their own marriages to see the kid get married. Joking about the dead is wrong.

And my FAVORITE ...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's YOU.

I'm screwed.


Yes...it's started...you are toast!
Link Posted: 2/26/2007 12:37:24 PM EST
Link Posted: 2/26/2007 3:11:29 PM EST
Link Posted: 2/26/2007 3:33:33 PM EST

Originally Posted By CockedandLocked:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Sometimes it's the fucked up remote... we're just hoping we haven't thrown it too many times for it to be broken.

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Banks want money too.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? There are way more than four billion stars. You always secretly want to be the one that discovers that the paint is now dry.

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Not a lot of air moving over the glue while it's in the bottle.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Most new needles come in a sterile package, why would you keep a bunch of convict-infected used needles around? Just to save a buck?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? He was an actor who shaved.

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? I've never seen Superman duck at anything.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? They didn't, they wore white cloths tied around their heads.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Some apes didn't evolve.

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Bubbles are thinner than a whole bottle of soap.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Yes.

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? They forgot what was in the fridge, maybe they missed it the first twenty times.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? They refuse to believe that the $300 machine they put on a credit card can't pick up a fucking string.

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? They do, when you look for the little arrows or the pull-ties.

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? They're not totally enclosed.

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" They might ram your ankle on purpose after that.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? This almost never happens, quit looking for more ways to fill this stupid line of questioning.

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? We don't. That's a fucking dumb idea.

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? Because he might hear you... it doesn't matter that he died over twenty years ago, that guy was fucking mean.

And my FAVORITE ...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's YOU. My mental illness is treated with olanzapine, it's not a secret.
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