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1/25/2018 7:38:29 AM
Posted: 3/10/2006 12:11:38 PM EST
This is hilarious! Thanks for the headsup!



Don't tell me you haven't thought of this...

Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS. Too funny...

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was
submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for
their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge

of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and

loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

James Wilson
Security Lead- Tulsa
Link Posted: 3/10/2006 12:17:49 PM EST
Seen it before.

But it's still pretty funny.
Link Posted: 3/10/2006 12:20:54 PM EST

Originally Posted By MagKnightX:
Seen it before.

But it's still pretty funny.

Me to.. but yeah, it is funny
Link Posted: 3/10/2006 12:22:29 PM EST
Link Posted: 3/10/2006 12:24:10 PM EST
When I read it last year, the dude had a dog instead of a cat.
Link Posted: 3/10/2006 12:24:42 PM EST
Link Posted: 3/10/2006 2:58:58 PM EST
The pet dog has been ruling the "WTF are you doing?" for a few years now.

But it's still very funny to read.
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