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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 12/9/2001 2:17:21 AM EDT
Figured I'd throw out a couple of the classic Night before Christmas poems that have made the rounds the last couple years. Did not see them posted this time, so here goes. `Twas the night before Christmas, cold, dark and foreboding, As I sat at the work bench, quite busy reloading. The empties from autumn were polished so clear For primers and powder, and bullets from Speer And Hornady's soft-points, and Nosler's Partitions (MY bench ain't no place for brand name omissions!) All sat in their boxes, right next to the press With dies from Pacific, and RCBS When all of a sudden there came such a jolt, I grabbed for my Mossberg, and whipped out my Colt. As I spilled Hodgdon's powder all over the shelf I scrambled for cover, just to protect myself From up on the rooftop, came hoofbeats and snorting Like the noise out of L'il Rock, from Clinton's cavorting! I eased off the safety, to press-check my auto With 230-hardball, I'd knock 'em all blotto Were these rogue federal agents, sent by Schumer and Reno? Or a staggering Ted Kennedy, in bad need of Beano? My question was answered with a knock, and some sneezing, "It's Santa, you moron, lemme in there, I'm freezing!" I flipped off the dead-bolt and threw the door wide, To find St. Nick a'shivering, Rudolph by his side He eyeballed my Springfield, with a nod of approval "You're all set," he said, "for dirtball removal." "But this is no raid, we're not here to harm you Or persecute, prosecute or even disarm you" Instead, said dear Santa, he needed to borrow My .357, 'till day after tomorrow "It's okay," he assured me, with a hint of frustration. "I'm enrolled in the National Rifle Association" He showed me his card, 'twas a Life Member rating "I've had this since me and the missus were dating!" "And you see, Dave ol' buddy, I've gotten real nervous "Since Feinstein was elected, with a promise to serve us "So henceforth as I'm out there, my presents a'stackin' "I want to assure you, I'm legally packin' "And my gift for you this year, should give you a hoot "I've told the Supreme Court to give Brady the boot! "Now, Rudy and I must be on our way" He said, as he climbed back on the seat of his sleigh With the reins in his hand, and my Smith in his pocket He jingled the sleighbells and was off like a rocket With a pair of speedloaders, and ammo to spare I knew he'd be safe, he was loaded for bear As he faded from view, I could still hear him calling "From D.C., where 'P.C.' is already falling "To bad guys in L.A., Detroit and Atlanta "I'm licensed to carry. Don't be messin' with Santa!"
Link Posted: 12/9/2001 2:17:54 AM EDT
Heres the other one 'Twas the night before Christmas, It was dark out, and snowing In the fireplace, the embers were still hot and glowing... Save for me in the corner, with my back 'gainst the wall, Not a creature was stirring, In the bedrooms or hall On my hip was a Kimber, it was loaded and ready In my hand was a Python, held level and steady. Was I waiting for burglars or jack-booted thugs? Is that why my Mossberg was loaded with slugs? Not hardly, dear friends; this was something more serious And I promise you all, I'm not crazed nor delirious! I was waiting for Santa; I'm a friend of St. Nick's, And he'd just called me up, he was in a tight fix. Well, I won't leave you hanging, to just sit there and wonder. Seems the Jolly Old Fat Man was the victim of blunder. He'd been down to the gun shop, for a sixgun he'd paid, But the NICS system crashed, and had marked him "delayed." So he'd summoned my help, and I'd heard his voice quiuver "This is Christmas Eve, Dave. I've got gifts to deliver!" He was flustered and furious, and he started to yellin' "I'm no deadbeat, or nutcase, or convicted felon!" "But they treated me poorly, they treated me bad. I can see why all shooters have become so danged mad! While we're looked at as outlaws, by Schumer and Willy, The real dirtballs run free, I tell ya' it's silly!" Well, I calmed Santa down; it was time we were leaving With me ridin' shotgun, to prevent any thieving Of St. Nick's Yuletide goodies, for good girls and boys It was my job to protect all those valuable toys. Santa knew that I'd n'er leave him alone and unarmed, 'Mongst jerkweeds and sleazoids, where he might well be harmed. His background was clean, his character flawless No reason at all to treat him like the lawless. With his sleighbells a jinglin' we were off like a rocket. I had pistols all holstered; spare rounds in my pocket. From rooftop to rooftop, Santa worked all his magic, If he missed any chimneys, the results would be tragic! We dropped gifts through the night, from Miami to Maine, The pace of the Fat Man nearly drove me insane! In Denver, Detroit, Abilene and Atlanta There was nothing on earth that could slow down Dear Santa. And when it was done, and we stopped for a while, Santa nodded approval, and broke into a smile, As he said rather proudly, and I know he weren't hintin' "Merry Christmas to all, except Reno and Clinton!"
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