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Posted: 8/14/2007 5:45:55 PM EDT
It is my turn to be scared.  It looks like I am going to have to go to QATAR for about 10 days for business.
1) I  have never been away from my kids for more than a night except when I was in the hospital for 4 days after a car wreck. My son has Tourettes and needs extra help with home work every night. His dad has no patience with him. I ref those two daily and keep them out of each other way.
2) High maintenance Hubby. My husband does not cook, clean or take care of kids. for example today I flew to MS, was gone all day, before I could go I had to have everything arranged for kids to be dropped off and picked up and cared for until he got home from work and the gym, dinner had to be prepared before leaving at 5 am this morning and when I came him . Dishes and mess were left for me. Decided to take a time out of AF.com before diving into clean up
3) Qatar allows women to be in support positions. I am being called in on a consultant/executive level. Just the Politics alone are dicey but necessary for the start up of this project. Will be doing alto of training and Business development there which is key to the success of my company and my husband impending retirement.
The business benefits my husband directly and he s is supportive as long as it doesn't interfere with HIS schedule. I dread this. But he is 17 years older and will retire in two years. I am the main bread winner in our house..
I am damned if I do damned if I don't . My business partner has agreed to handle the long term presence there but I am the rain maker with the exact experience needed on the government and customer side. It is more a summons/demand than a request at this point.
OH and the real pisser is NO GUNS! ( what is wrong with these people???)



Link Posted: 8/14/2007 5:56:20 PM EDT
[#1]

Quoted:
No offense, but it looks like it's time for Mr. angelfire to suck it up.

Just what does he do?  Doesn't cook, clean, look after the kids, bring home the bacon?

He is 62 and a Quailty  Engineer ( very phycical job. ) He is very set in his ways. I am mid 40's I do the domestic stuff he does the outside man stuff. He has never changed his schedule without making us miserable for days.

That more than anything else sacres me. What will the kids be faced with and what will it be like when I come home.

Link Posted: 8/14/2007 6:24:13 PM EDT
[#2]

Quoted:
I'd say at 62, he was long past the point when he should be growing up.


We just had this discussion. I am not talking about 10K or 100K in business
We are talking about 5M on a signed contract.  With deliverables due Nov. 1
for ramp up. Not an option. With a backside load of another 5 M upon completion. Not for me but for the company which ultimately give me some. But by this time next year he could retire all the way.

He is just livid. It is 10 days off his normal routine.
I can't afford to hire someone to help at this point.
Door slamming  mad. I'll get an nasty gram from him at work in the morning. Geez.
I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.
Link Posted: 8/14/2007 6:27:13 PM EDT
[#3]
Attitude adjustment (on my part). Couch for you is not an option. Hire the help -- the kids will need it. And if he was mine, I'd give his ass a pillow and a blanket -- a thin one. He is gonna need it this winter. For those long, cold nights on the sofa.
Link Posted: 8/14/2007 6:37:28 PM EDT
[#4]

Quoted:
Attitude adjustment (on my part). Couch for you is not an option. Hire the help -- the kids will need it. And if he was mine, I'd give his ass a pillow and a blanket -- a thin one. He is gonna need it this winter. For those long, cold nights on the sofa.


You and I think alike
Now I am just going to watch him for the next 15 minutes stomp between here and the garage. I am ignoring him. He is daring me to just say one thing so he can go off some more.  He'll get not a glance or a peep. Not even THE LOOK. Nadda.  Not saying a word. He sure likes to golf and have his freedom but I support that with out asking for too damn much. This is one of those ONCE IN A LIFE TIME career opportunties. If it were him ...and trust me we have moved all over the country with his job I would be making this as easy as possible BUT no it is me going.
I ought to pull my kids out of school  for 10 days and take them with me. A nanny there is about $50 a week.
he can sit her ..alone.... and see how he likes that!!!!! Grrrrrrrrr Gosh this makes me mad.  Where is that guy with the live feed?????
Link Posted: 8/14/2007 6:40:42 PM EDT
[#5]
AF, from a guy, tell your hubby to suck it up and be a man. Sounds as you're making ends meet well and the least he can do is take up the slack.

If he doesn't,well, you have more patience then I would have.

Good luck on both ends.
Link Posted: 8/14/2007 7:02:19 PM EDT
[#6]
Wow, I feel your pain.  I would recommend hiering a college kid to come help out while you're gone.  Most likely your husband could manage and the kids would appreciate you more when you return home but it sounds as if you're going to have enough on your mind working that you don't need to be worrying about what's happening at home.

Patty
Link Posted: 8/14/2007 7:15:08 PM EDT
[#7]
AngelFire there is nothing I can say but "I'm so sorry you're going through this."

I don't know why you live with someone who treats you so poorly, but that's your decision to make, and not mine.  We all have our own kind of craziness.

Prayers sent that you can get through this for the good of all, but I pray that that good includes YOU too.

Gosh.  That tear in your avatar has new meaning.

Kitties
Link Posted: 8/14/2007 10:45:19 PM EDT
[#8]
As a "guy", I think I could find a way to cope.
Link Posted: 8/14/2007 11:19:00 PM EDT
[#9]

Quoted:
Attitude adjustment (on my part). Couch for you is not an option. Hire the help -- the kids will need it. And if he was mine, I'd give his ass a pillow and a blanket -- a thin one. He is gonna need it this winter. For those long, cold nights on the sofa.


EXACTLY.......
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 12:32:11 AM EDT
[#10]

Quoted:
Now I am just going to watch him for the next 15 minutes stomp between here and the garage. I am ignoring him. He is daring me to just say one thing so he can go off some more.  He'll get not a glance or a peep. Not even THE LOOK. Nadda.  Not saying a word. He sure likes to golf and have his freedom but I support that with out asking for too damn much. This is one of those ONCE IN A LIFE TIME career opportunties. If it were him ...and trust me we have moved all over the country with his job I would be making this as easy as possible BUT no it is me going.




When are you going to kick this shithead to the curb?
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 3:39:48 AM EDT
[#11]

Quoted:
I'd say at 62, he was long past the point when he should be growing up.


What she said...because it's freaken perfect.

I am a stay at home mom who waitresses on the weekends. My schedule always conforms to his---all appts are made around his schedule and since it changes on a dime, alterations are constantly being made. I do all the laundry, cleaning, 90% of the cooking (he does the grill), and 90% of the childcare (most nites he gets the tuck-in and helps the youngest in the bath).
And guess what?
In October, Daisywench and I are going to Montreal for 4 days. For FUN.
And I have his blessing.
Is he gonna go bonkers? Probably. Are the kids gonna eat chicken nuggets and hotdogs for 4 days? Most likely. Am I gonna come home to bookoo laundry? Definitely.
But my kids will be in one piece and he'll have done his manly best to keep the house from looking like a bomb went off.
If my hubby can do all that for my "mental health break," Your hubby can do it for your career.
Oh...and my hubby is 42.

Link Posted: 8/15/2007 3:50:16 AM EDT
[#12]

Quoted:

Quoted:
I'd say at 62, he was long past the point when he should be growing up.


What she said...because it's freaken perfect.

I am a stay at home mom who waitresses on the weekends. My schedule always conforms to his---all appts are made around his schedule and since it changes on a dime, alterations are constantly being made. I do all the laundry, cleaning, 90% of the cooking (he does the grill), and 90% of the childcare (most nites he gets the tuck-in and helps the youngest in the bath).
And guess what?
In October, Daisywench and I are going to Montreal for 4 days. For FUN.
And I have his blessing.
Is he gonna go bonkers? Probably. Are the kids gonna eat chicken nuggets and hotdogs for 4 days? Most likely. Am I gonna come home to bookoo laundry? Definitely.
But my kids will be in one piece and he'll have done his manly best to keep the house from looking like a bomb went off.
If my hubby can do all that for my "mental health break," Your hubby can do it for your career.
Oh...and my hubby is 42.



Ohhhh, have fun for me!!
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 4:05:20 AM EDT
[#13]
I know what my wife would do if I even thought about acting like him...it would not be pretty.

My wife takes trips for work every couple of months, sometimes for a week or just a couple of days.  I support her in whatever she wants or needs to do.

I don't know how you can put up with that kind of treatment, you are stronger than I.

Link Posted: 8/15/2007 4:12:09 AM EDT
[#14]

Quoted:

Quoted:
I'd say at 62, he was long past the point when he should be growing up.


We just had this discussion. I am not talking about 10K or 100K in business
We are talking about 5M on a signed contract.  With deliverables due Nov. 1
for ramp up. Not an option. With a backside load of another 5 M upon completion. Not for me but for the company which ultimately give me some. But by this time next year he could retire all the way.

He is just livid. It is 10 days off his normal routine.
I can't afford to hire someone to help at this point.
Door slamming  mad. I'll get an nasty gram from him at work in the morning. Geez.
I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.


Put him on the couch and tell him to grow up.  I would love it if the wife made more than me, but as it is she doesn't work and I buck it up and take care of the kids, maybe not as much as I should, but not a big deal to do it.  
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 4:24:22 AM EDT
[#15]

Quoted:

Quoted:
Now I am just going to watch him for the next 15 minutes stomp between here and the garage. I am ignoring him. He is daring me to just say one thing so he can go off some more.  He'll get not a glance or a peep. Not even THE LOOK. Nadda.  Not saying a word. He sure likes to golf and have his freedom but I support that with out asking for too damn much. This is one of those ONCE IN A LIFE TIME career opportunties. If it were him ...and trust me we have moved all over the country with his job I would be making this as easy as possible BUT no it is me going.




When are you going to kick this shithead to the curb?


When she is ready. And unfortunately for him, by the time he figures out what he has lost it will be too late. (And I would be saying the same thing if it was some woman treating her husband like this.)
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 5:04:47 AM EDT
[#16]
I feel for ya.

You should get him an account on here.

Let us explain some facts of life to him.

I am not kidding.

I will say kudos to you for your career, and sticking with him.

Decorum prevents me from typing what I am really thinking about him

Good luck, and stay safe in Qatar.  Remember, you are an American, before you are a woman.  If they had their shit together, they would not need you.  They don't (have their shit together).  Don't even think of falling for their bullshit about you being a woman.  You are twice the man they are.  Never forget that.

again, good luck

TXL
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 5:38:20 AM EDT
[#17]

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:
Now I am just going to watch him for the next 15 minutes stomp between here and the garage. I am ignoring him. He is daring me to just say one thing so he can go off some more.  He'll get not a glance or a peep. Not even THE LOOK. Nadda.  Not saying a word. He sure likes to golf and have his freedom but I support that with out asking for too damn much. This is one of those ONCE IN A LIFE TIME career opportunties. If it were him ...and trust me we have moved all over the country with his job I would be making this as easy as possible BUT no it is me going.




When are you going to kick this shithead to the curb?


When she is ready. And unfortunately for him, by the time he figures out what he has lost it will be too late. (And I would be saying the same thing if it was some woman treating her husband like this.)


I slept on the couch. He refuses to leave the bed.
Every time this happens it destroys me a little more. It destroys our marriage. I told him we can't have just aone sided marriage. His way or no way. He said that is the way it is . King of the castle as his wife I must submit. BLAH.
I am just wore out wth it after last night. And yes this morning.
I told him ... THE ONLY reason I would do this is so he could stop working and retire. So we can afford for him to do that. Oh it was all well and good when it doesn't require anything from his side. NOW when he has to step up ... is he going too help?
I made it clear that I didn't see any other woman stepping up to wash his clothes cook his meal rasie his kids and put money in his pocket. He can choose to have that or to not have that. I told him to go find that person and more power to him.
I sent him a link to this forum. after he sent a nasty gram to me....Knew that was coming.
Montreal sounds like great. FUN ...

Link Posted: 8/15/2007 6:15:35 AM EDT
[#18]
Damn girl, you must have the patience of a saint to put up with shit like that...to subsidize HIS retirement!  He should worship the ground you walk on!  He should have his selfish high maintanence spoiled brat ass kicked straight to the curb and he can find out the HARD WAY what it's like to have to take care of himself and do for himself and worry about HIS OWN damn retirement!  If he wants to be *king of the castle* (insert very high sarcasm here) he needs to act like a man in the first place.  A king is a leader first and foremost, not a spoiled immature middle aged drama queen.

Rant off.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 7:47:18 AM EDT
[#19]

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:

Quoted:
Now I am just going to watch him for the next 15 minutes stomp between here and the garage. I am ignoring him. He is daring me to just say one thing so he can go off some more.  He'll get not a glance or a peep. Not even THE LOOK. Nadda.  Not saying a word. He sure likes to golf and have his freedom but I support that with out asking for too damn much. This is one of those ONCE IN A LIFE TIME career opportunties. If it were him ...and trust me we have moved all over the country with his job I would be making this as easy as possible BUT no it is me going.




When are you going to kick this shithead to the curb?


When she is ready. And unfortunately for him, by the time he figures out what he has lost it will be too late. (And I would be saying the same thing if it was some woman treating her husband like this.)


I slept on the couch. He refuses to leave the bed.
Every time this happens it destroys me a little more. It destroys our marriage. I told him we can't have just aone sided marriage. His way or no way. He said that is the way it is . King of the castle as his wife I must submit. BLAH.
I am just wore out wth it after last night. And yes this morning.
I told him ... THE ONLY reason I would do this is so he could stop working and retire. So we can afford for him to do that. Oh it was all well and good when it doesn't require anything from his side. NOW when he has to step up ... is he going too help?
I made it clear that I didn't see any other woman stepping up to wash his clothes cook his meal rasie his kids and put money in his pocket. He can choose to have that or to not have that. I told him to go find that person and more power to him.
I sent him a link to this forum. after he sent a nasty gram to me....Knew that was coming.
Montreal sounds like great. FUN ...



When I met my current husband I was working three jobs, had two teenage boys at home and a deadbeat long term (12 years) boyfriend whose MO was to work for six weeks, and "get laid off" for 6 months. Rinse, repeat. GC's wife at the time was trying to talk him into having another baby (their second has just started school, so she needed another to have an excuse to stay home). He had finally convinced her "no more babies" go to school and she had just graduated nursing school when I met him.

I had just bought my house and did not let the deadbeat move in with me. His ex kicked him out after she got a job because "she didn't need him anymore -- she was going to find a doctor to marry."

The deadbeat is still a deadbeat . . . last I heard he was in a homeless shelter in Texas somewhere because of his drug and alcohol problem that for years he told me was my fault. GC's ex is still unmarried and her child support is due to end very shortly. She has had her vehicles repossessed, her house foreclosed on and has a adult daughter living at home who has never held a job and probably never will.

Be careful how you treat those who love you. Even the most patient person will finally come to realize that you can't make someone else care about you. And when Angelfire realizes this about you then the gig will be up. And there will be nothing you can do to get her back because she will realize you don't really mean it -- you are only doing what you have always done, put yourself above everyone else. You reap what you sow buddy.

Deadbeat used to tell me he didn't care if I was fat because that meant no one else was looking at me. GC's ex told him he was worthless, no one else would put up with his shit. One day when she was at her best, trying to run me off, she told me "you guys deserve each other". I couldn't agree more.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 8:49:52 AM EDT
[#20]


Quoted:
He said that is the way it is . King of the castle as his wife I must submit. BLAH.
I am just wore out wth it after last night.


Alright, it drives me nuts when men pull this out of nowhere and use it on their wives to attempt and getting them to do whatever. That's crap. That is merely a portion of the picture; here is the rest of the scripture QUOTED IN CONTEXT.

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—

Now, I don't know about everybody else but I definately do not see Mr. Angelfire holding up his end of this deal as stated above; i do see Angelfire doing everything she possibly can for him though. Therefore, I'm calling bogus on his callout. And I'm praying for you, your kids, your husband, and your marriage.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 9:03:26 AM EDT
[#21]
Angelfire, you are worth WAY more than this.

1) You're beautiful

2)You work hard

3) You're a good mom

4) You're a PERSON.

All that makes you of great value and you should not be treated this way.  Whatever your reasons for letting this person walk all over  you, I mean no criticism, like I said, we've all been through our moments.  

But you are SO worth more than the way this man is treating you.  With every contact, he's making you feel worth LESS.    The fact that he has particular genitalia does not make him worth more than you.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 11:55:20 AM EDT
[#22]

Quoted:
Alright, it drives me nuts when men pull this out of nowhere and use it on their wives to attempt and getting them to do whatever. That's crap. That is merely a portion of the picture; here is the rest of the scripture QUOTED IN CONTEXT.

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—

Now, I don't know about everybody else but I definately do not see Mr. Angelfire holding up his end of this deal as stated above; i do see Angelfire doing everything she possibly can for him though. Therefore, I'm calling bogus on his callout. And I'm praying for you, your kids, your husband, and your marriage.


My mom and I were just talking about this Scripture last night.  It is VERY applicable to this situation and good of you to post it here.  It goes on to say that a man who does not hold his wife up second only to Christ and protect and cherish her has already failed in his Covenant and failed as the leader of his household, and the wife is not bound to submit and obey because the husband has already shown himself to be no leader at all.  Which goes back to my original comment about if he wants to be the king of his castle, to be a real man and a real leader and EARN that title.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 12:18:08 PM EDT
[#23]
Speaking to the dictator,as a married man and father- GROW UP!!!! Marriage is a partnership between the 2 of you. You didn't buy a slave, you married a woman and judging by what I read here a damn good one. You need to pull your head out and realize you're not doing anywhere near your share. Thanks a lot bonehead, it's guys like you that make it harder for the rest of us to find good partners. Girls shy away from marriage because they hear about "men" like you.

AF,I don't know the whole story and I don't know your financial situation(and don't want to) but if he don't straighten up you need to get out. Sounds like you're busting your butt for nothing. If you need to talk to a slightly weatherbeaten 43 y/o(and my wife) p/m me.

And for the record,my wife dosen't go away much but when she does she has my blessing,Lord knows she puts up with my gun stuff and the long hours away from home.    
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 1:05:43 PM EDT
[#24]
I predict a very lonely future for the piss poor representative of our gender.

TXL
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 2:29:42 PM EDT
[#25]
I am tired. It is a lot to keep up wiht all the time.
I blame myself. I knew he was inflexible before kids. I guess I anticiapted a little more understanding and support out of him.
I can make it on my salary wiht the kids and no help.
1) I am Catholic
2) My son has tourettes and needs his dad. It is horrible for him to adjust
3) I have a hard time "ditching" any thing without saying I did "everything" to make it work. But it all comes down to me working around his needs. I don't normally mind in fact I love to please him. I don't ask for his help I know what the answer is. This one time I NEED his cooperation.
I just can't put my kids in a war zone.
And the pressure is really on from the job side of it too right now. Daily pressure
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 3:02:59 PM EDT
[#26]

Quoted:
I am tired. It is a lot to keep up wiht all the time.
I blame myself. I knew he was inflexible before kids. I guess I anticiapted a little more understanding and support out of him.
I can make it on my salary wiht the kids and no help.
1) I am Catholic
2) My son has tourettes and needs his dad. It is horrible for him to adjust
3) I have a hard time "ditching" any thing without saying I did "everything" to make it work. But it all comes down to me working around his needs. I don't normally mind in fact I love to please him. I don't ask for his help I know what the answer is. This one time I NEED his cooperation.
I just can't put my kids in a war zone.
And the pressure is really on from the job side of it too right now. Daily pressure


AngelFire, even the Catholic church recognizes mental and emotional abuse for what it is.  If the man is not a husband, and yours is not behaving as such, you are not expected to carry the entire load for your family because of your faith.  Of course what you do is your decision and without question any change you make has to be on your time and by YOUR choice, not by anyone's here.  But please know you are worth more than this.  And so are your children.

In the meantime, you are in my prayers.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 3:49:07 PM EDT
[#27]

Quoted:
I predict a very lonely future for the piss poor representative of our gender.

TXL


Roger that.

My wife wouldn't take that from me for a New York minute.

Sounds like Archie Bunker needs to wake up.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 5:12:21 PM EDT
[#28]
You know, I get the strong sense that if Angelfire's husband reads this thread, all it will do is make it harder for her to spend time on the forum.  He is not likely someone who would want her to associate with those who encourage her to be strong and care for herself.  

I'm just sayin.  Wouldn't want to make things harder for her.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 5:13:01 PM EDT
[#29]

Quoted:
I am tired. It is a lot to keep up wiht all the time.
I blame myself. I knew he was inflexible before kids. I guess I anticiapted a little more understanding and support out of him.
I can make it on my salary wiht the kids and no help.
1) I am Catholic
2) My son has tourettes and needs his dad. It is horrible for him to adjust
3) I have a hard time "ditching" any thing without saying I did "everything" to make it work. But it all comes down to me working around his needs. I don't normally mind in fact I love to please him. I don't ask for his help I know what the answer is. This one time I NEED his cooperation.
I just can't put my kids in a war zone.
And the pressure is really on from the job side of it too right now. Daily pressure


Being a religous person, think about GOD, and think about Jesus' time here on this earth and his teaching. Now, ask yourself if the underlying principles indicated by that teaching are consistent with you staying with an emotionally abusive husband. If you would like to chat about this aspect, feel free to PM me and I will give you my opinion.
Now, as to your doing "everything you can", only you can be the judge of that. However, be wary of letting yourself getting debased to the point that you yourself are no good to your children in a maternal capacity.  You sound to me like you are doing quite a bit to meet his needs and that is such an amazing thing. From what it sounds like, if all men had a wife as willing to bend over backwards to meet their needs as you are, their would be a lot more happier marriages. Have you thought of counseling? It seems like he may not be up for that, but it would be one more things to check off of your "everything list". You are in my prayers.
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 5:15:10 PM EDT
[#30]

Quoted:
You know, I get the strong sense that if Angelfire's husband reads this thread, all it will do is make it harder for her to spend time on the forum.  He is not likely someone who would want her to associate with those who encourage her to be strong and care for herself.  

I'm just sayin.  Wouldn't want to make things harder for her.


Agreed. However, I do feel like Angelfire needs the encouragement and I percieve that it is appreciated. Should we figure out a different way to go about that?
Link Posted: 8/15/2007 5:33:58 PM EDT
[#31]
No I didn't mean that.  Just that the posts "to" her husband probably won't have the desired effect.  

She does need the encouragement absolutely.

Link Posted: 8/15/2007 5:48:11 PM EDT
[#32]
Hey Angel -- Just got home from work and thought I would check in on you. I hope things are a little better, but if they are not, just remember that God will never give you more than you can handle. It may not seem like it now, but there is a reason for all this. Take a deep breath, know in your heart that whatever may come and whatever you decide to do, you will accomplish and you and your children will be fine. You are stronger than you know. Take care each day to not let yourself get overwhelmed and know that you and your children and your marriage are in our hearts and prayers.

Patti
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