A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about
it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American
Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the
way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His
wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you
remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into
the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds
fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know,
honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for
you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."