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1/22/2020 12:12:56 PM
Posted: 10/8/2007 9:43:14 PM EST
> The proper description of the tools everyone has, or should have.
>
>
>
> 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
>and flings
>your favorite chilled beverage across the room, splattering it against that
>freshly painted part you were drying.
>
>
>
> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
>the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
>hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "****!!!"
>
>
>
> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
> their holes
>until you die of old age.
>
>
>
> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
>
>
>
> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>
> principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
>and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
>becomes.
>
>
>
> 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
>available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
>the palm of
>your hand.
>
>
>
> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
>objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
>inside a wheel
>hub from which you are trying to remove the bearing race.
>
>
>
> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
>1/2" socket
>you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.
>
>
>
> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
> ground after
>you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly
>under the bumper.
>
>
>
> 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile
>upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
>
>
>
> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
>
>
>
> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
>hydraulic floor jack.
>
>
>
> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically, useful as a sandwich tool for
>spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.
>
>
>
> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
> holes and
>is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
>
>
> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
>strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
>
>
>
> 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
>that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
>end without
>the handle.
>
>
>
> 17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>
>
> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
>droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
>not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
>purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
>howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
>the Battle of the
>Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
>
>
> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be
>used, as the name
>implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
>
>
>
> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
>power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
>by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70
>years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.
>
>
>
> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>
>
> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses exactly one inch too short.
>
>
>
> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
>object we are trying to hit.
>
>
>
> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
>well on boxes
>containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and
>the other
>hand not holding the knife.
>
>
>
> So there you have it; a complete description of the tools all men need, and
>occasionally use correctly.
Link Posted: 10/9/2007 12:01:08 AM EST
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