Probably a dupe but it beats debating what height to build a wall around america (do we go 8' or 8.5' tall? - of course all the 9mm guys will say 8' will stop anyone in their tracks with proper wall placement and brick choice [in fact, some will claim that 8' walls, if properly built, will reliable expand to 8.5' walls] and the .45 guys will all say that anything lower than 8.5' walls are lame, wussie walls, not worthy of climbing and incapable of being an effective deterrent. Don't even get me started on the 10mm guys - they want to go with 12' walls but if you ask me, they're compensating for something.
Subject: Tool Dictionary
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint swirls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say, "Shit!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: A simple hand tool used to round off bolt
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Next generation Pliers. Also used to
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
igniting various flammable objects in your shop.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel
hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 x 4: Used for levering
an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he
has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in
bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning
booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that converts energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles
away into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at
ERCO and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a $ .50 part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the really expensive parts nearest the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, rubber or
plastic parts and fingers.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling DAMMIT" at the top
of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you