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Posted: 2/1/2001 5:56:50 PM EDT
you have to read all five post or it isn't funny
The US Army Chief of Staff recently announced army personnel will transition
to its new headgear, a black beret, by 2002. The move is being made in an
attempt to improve the steadily sinking morale of army troops.
The US Army Rangers, one of the few combat units now authorized to wear a
beret, already wear the black beret. The black beret had become a mark of
distinction, denoting a truly qualified and trained "warrior."
Dissension in the Ranger ranks over the proposed uniform change was quelled
by a Pentagon order that Rangers make only positive comments to the press
concerning the policy, or none at all.
Unattributed sources in GEN Shinseki's office remark the Rangers will be
directed to change the color of the beret they now wear. The new beret will
be introduced in January 2001, displaying a vibrant multicolored plaid mesh
of: BLUE for their interdependence with sky-blue Air Force airpower (also,
the infantry "branch" color); RED for the bloodshed associated with combat
(also the field artillery "branch" color); GREEN, for the color formerly
associated with the US Army; and accents of BEIGE, DUSTY ROSE, and MAUVE, in
efforts to align the elite unit with the new politically correct efforts of
the Department of Defense.
Two fashion consultants from areas where Ranger Battalions are located concur
with GEN Shinseki's new policy. Adonis Strangelove, a hairdresser in
Tillicum, outside Ft. Lewis, WA, said, "The new colors are absolutely
heavenly! They bring out the savage yet humanitarian nature of our
muscle-bound, ironclad stalwarts. Soldiers in these new berets will look,
well, just yummy!"
Another advocate is Rueben Bendover, a stylist and part-time interpretative
dance instructor in Savannah near Hunter Army Airfield, GA. Bendover says, "I
was hoping for more of a pastel pinkish hue, yes. However, I applaud the
efforts of the (Army) Chief of Staff. There was a strong lobby for the
inclusion of WHITE, but the allusions of the color white to virginity and to
surrender apparently met with a somewhat questionable aversion among the
troops. How devastatingly sad."
According to GEN Shinseki's office, the Ranger Regimental Commander and the
Commander of the Army's Special Operations Command were consulted and both
fully support the change. However, neither had any comment for the press.
The Chief of Staff's has also directed that more personnel be assigned to
special forces-type units. The announcement was lauded throughout the
conventional military community. The Chief's decision to allow Ranger and
Special Forces qualification through correspondence courses was announced
yesterday. A spokesman for GEN Shinseki said, "The Ranger and Special Forces
correspondence courses promise to be hugely favorable. This enables soldiers
to obtain coveted Ranger or Special Forces tabs while deployed, at garrison
areas, or while home on leave, at little or no cost to the soldier or the
U.S. Army. The spokesman also said the mandatory 20% female qualification
rate for these courses will enable Ranger and SF units to more adequately
reflect the composition of today's army, as well as to maintain adequate
manning in these type units."
Correspondence courses are also being developed to allow US Army soldiers of
any job specialty, or MOS to become qualified in several special operations
schools. In addition to the Ranger and Special Forces Qualification
"Q-course," soldiers may now earn qualifications in Survival Resistance
Evasion and Escape (SERE), and Special Operations Target Interdiction Course
(SF Sniper). The Army is also looking at adding the Special Forces Freefall
Parachute and SCUBA correspondence courses next year. All courses will be
available online. Reportedly, the Chief of Staff's vision is to allow high
school students the chance to earn all their special skills before enlisting
into the army, therefore providing special operations with a large pool of
Although several veteran organizations vehemently protest these
developments, new Army recruits approve of the changes. "I already bought all
three of my Airborne, Ranger, and Special Forces tabs, even though I haven't
completed the courses yet," remarked Private First Class Danielle O'Dowd,
an army supply specialist. "The Patrolling and Ambush modules kept me busy
all weekend, but I was very strong on the Leadership course over Memorial Day
holiday. I got 22 of the 25 questions correct! I can't wait to barricade
myself in my room with a two Large Domino's pepperoni pizzas, a six pack of
Bud and study the Escape and Evasion sub-course. I can hardly
wait to wear my black beret in June, but the plaid beret will mean so much
more to me. I just hope I can score 180 on the PT test and qualify with my
M-16 next time!"
Foreign military offices have also made comments concerning the Chief of
Staff's bold new initiatives towards the Ranger and Special Forces troops.
"This is a very good thing for our...I mean, the US Army," said Chinese
General Mi Chew Yu in Beijing. In Iraq, Saddam Hussein reportedly called
Osama Bin Laden to personally give him the good news. Foreign troops in
Afghanistan, Iran, North Korea, numerous African countries celebrated, and a
thousand South American drug cartel thugs took to the streets in Cali,
Columbia in a carnival-like celebration.
"See?" commented the spokesman for GEN Shinseki. "The whole word applauds
these sweeping changes and initiatives by the General to make American
soldiers feel better about themselves
I can't wait to order my MFF correspondence course..
That was a pain is the A$$ big time!!!!!!!
I hope somebody reads it.
My side is still killing me...
[:D] I read it...
Door Kicker... Excuse my ignorance as I'm new on this board... Is there a max of charactors your only allowed to use in a post ?
I see it says 4000 chars max html but it says its off...
Door Kicker, I read it and thought it was great, especially the plaid beret.
I tried to post the whole thing but it wouldn't let me.
Door kicker, did you write this ?? i love it! my wife who is former army is realy pissed, i as a former marine thinks it fits perfectly...lol ..
do you have a link ot a source for the original article???
Glad you liked it guys.
While I didn't write it, I very well could have as I share the authors sentiments. I am in the Army and have earned all my badges with sweat tears and determination.
It is only going to boost morale in the "leg world" Army for a short while. After everyone finds out that they are handing out berets like candy, they will totally loose their meaning. And the pouges will still be pouges!!!!!!
I was cadre at the Army Basic Airborne course back before I left active duty. I helped students earn their wings. And watched as they made their first five jumps. (for those that are Airborne, I was yelling through the bull horn at you)
They all would go out and buy a beret, shave it and shape it to their heads with water before they graduated, but none would dare wear it prior to graduation. It was something they knew they had to earn.
Now new students will show up at Jump school with black berets on already. Why go through all that training??????Where is the motivation factor?
I don't like the whole Army going to the black beret - but understand that the Air Force wears it and Tankers were authorized to wear a black beret long before Rangers were even a thought. Rangers started wearing them in the 70's. The Army placed too much emphasis on trying to look all bad-ass anyway - when we usually get our ass kicked in war - these days anyway. Take away the airpower and we are screwed. Then we depend on the broke people who deploy on profile and the disguisting fat people in the Army. I think the move to go to the black beret for the whole Army is stupid. I don't like berets anyway - I'm not trying to look like the REST of NATO when we deploy. Geezzzz..This Army is getting more and more pathetic.....