I am John Kerry.

I was against the first Iraq war.  I am against the second Iraq war, but I voted for it. Now I'm against it but I was for it.  I support the UN.  I'm against terrorism and against the Iraq war.  But I voted for the Iraq war.  So, I voted against the first war and supported the second war, wait.....

I'm against gay marriage but for gay unions.  I support gays but think the San Francisco mayor is wrong.  I support gay marriages.  No, wait, gay unions.

I'm Catholic.  Wait, I'm Jewish.  My dad was Jewish.  But I was raised Catholic.  What am I?  I don't want to confuse people.

I am for abortions, but wait, I'm Catholic, and Catholics are pro-life.  But I might consider putting pro-life judges in office, but I'm not sure.  I do know I voted for a pro-life judge, but I stated that it was a mistake.

I went to Vietnam.  But I was against Vietnam.  I testified against fellow U.S. Troops in Vietnam, threw my medals away and led others to do the same.  But I am a war hero.  Against the war.

I stated I threw my medals away then I threw my ribbons away.  I then revealed that I threw my ribbons away but not my medals, then lately I stated that I threw someone else's medals away and never threw anything of mine away.

I believe Ribbons and medals aren't the same thing.  Medals come with ribbons, so now I believe that ribbons and medals are the same thing besides the fact that ribbons are cloth and medals are medal.

I wrote a book that pictured the U.S. Flag upside-down on its cover.  But now I fly and campaign in a plane with a large flag right-side up on it.  But sometimes, we fly upside-down for fun.

Yasser Arafat is a hero and a statesman.  The Israelis shouldn't kill Palestinian terrorists, but they should stop terrorism.  Yasser Arafat is a terrorist supporter.  I support Mideast peace.
 
I am for the common man, unlike Bush.  I am against the rich.  But my family is worth $300 million dollars has a jet and many SUV's.  I am the common man.

I am against sending jobs overseas.  My wife is a Heinz heir, which Heinz has most factories offshore.  I am against rewarding companies for exporting jobs as long as it is not Heinz.

I own $1 million in Wal-Mart stock.  I believe Wal-Mart is evil by driving small business owners out of town.  I am a capitalist and I own part of Wal-Mart but I am a good guy for small corporate America.

I own SUV's when I talk to my followers in Detroit, Michigan, Teresa owns SUV's, I don't, when I talk to tree hugging followers.  I have a campaign jet that gets 1/3 mpg, which is great fuel efficiency.

I am against making military service an issue in presidential elections.  I defended a draft dodger Clinton and stated that all serve in their own capacity whether they draft dodge or not.  Did I mention, I served in Vietnam and am a hero?  Are you questioning my patriotism?  I served in Vietnam.  My opponent didn't.  I have three purple hearts!  I am a hero.  I am qualified to run this country since I served.

I am John Kerry.

I think "Baby-killing Gun-grabber" sums him up quite nicely.

Crap, I got dizzy reading that... I can only imagine how messed up sKerry's head really is....