Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
BCM
User Panel

Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 2
Posted: 11/4/2011 1:23:47 PM EDT
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:26:08 PM EDT
[#1]
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde







Speed

 
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:29:03 PM EDT
[#2]
Some good ones in there.

I always love Winston Churchill quotes. A drunken poet of insults.
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:29:06 PM EDT
[#3]
Missing is the classic between Churchill and Lady Astor:

"Winston, if I were  your wife, I would put poison in your drink!"

"Madame, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:32:54 PM EDT
[#4]
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:33:50 PM EDT
[#5]
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


This is the formal version of the wasted BJ jab.
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:36:05 PM EDT
[#6]
"Winston Churchill, you are DRUNK!"

" And you, madame, are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:39:37 PM EDT
[#7]
So tagged
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:41:53 PM EDT
[#8]
Johnson was good at the insults. I have long committed many to memory.




Quoted:


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."



And here is why the simple four letter statement of derision is smart - there are so many clever people around that you don't want to give them material for a clever retort, like the above.



 
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:46:28 PM EDT
[#9]
I remember hearng one from I believe a British member of parliament that was something like,



"You have all of the charisma of a damp wash rag and the appearance of a low rate bank teller." (paraphrased)



I always liked that one, especially the first part.
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:58:01 PM EDT
[#10]

 I heard my grandfather use this one, " If I ordered a boxcar full of sonavabitches and you were all that stepped out, I wouldn't file a short-weight."
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 1:58:12 PM EDT
[#11]
Quoted:
I remember hearng one from I believe a British member of parliament that was something like,

"You have all of the charisma of a damp wash rag and the appearance of a low rate bank teller." (paraphrased)

I always liked that one, especially the first part.


Nigel Farage, and he has a TON of great quotes :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gm9q8uabTs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bypLwI5AQvY

Link Posted: 11/4/2011 3:09:59 PM EDT
[#12]
He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty. –– Thomas P. Gore

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. –– Victor Borge

He was distinguished in his ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong. –– Benjamin Disraeli

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. –– Howard Hughes ( about Clark Gable)

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. –– Mark Twain

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg. –– Jackie Gleason

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its ass. –– Joseph Stilwell

He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease. –– Henry James

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. –– Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Calvin Coolidge)

I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion. –– Robert Louis Stevenson

Nature, not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write. –– A. E. Housman

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have –– and I think he's a dirty little beast. –– W. S. Gilbert

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. –– Heinrich Heine

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement... –– Fred Allen

While he was not dumber than an ox, he was not any smarter either. –– James Thurber

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? –– Milton Berle

You really have to get to know him to dislike him. –– James T. Patterson (about Thomas Dewey)
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 3:58:30 PM EDT
[#13]
Quoted:


Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? –– Milton Berle



That could be said about the 2009 nobel prize winner.
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 4:07:38 PM EDT
[#14]
I love these
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 4:15:10 PM EDT
[#15]
nice
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 4:24:28 PM EDT
[#16]
Did you ever hear Hemmingway's response to Faulkner?

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

-Ernest Hemingway
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 4:26:30 PM EDT
[#17]
hell, if you think those are good... go even further back when our founders were running for office under the new Constitution
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 4:26:50 PM EDT
[#18]
Lots of good stuff in this thread.
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 4:32:13 PM EDT
[#19]



Quoted:

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.





 
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 4:39:43 PM EDT
[#20]
Tag for work e-mail
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 4:47:30 PM EDT
[#21]
In Before Wundabweel!




Link Posted: 11/4/2011 5:53:24 PM EDT
[#22]
Freakin love these insults
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 6:15:00 PM EDT
[#23]
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 6:30:23 PM EDT
[#24]
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand



Link Posted: 11/4/2011 6:35:33 PM EDT
[#25]
Suppose you were an idiot.....and suppose you were a member of Congress.....But I repeat myself" ~~ Mark Twain
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 6:51:01 PM EDT
[#26]


"Closure is bullshit, and I would love to find the man who invented closure and shove a giant closure plaque up his ass." - James Ellroy



Link Posted: 11/4/2011 7:09:53 PM EDT
[#27]
Bump this for some more great quotes.
Link Posted: 11/4/2011 7:10:11 PM EDT
[#28]
Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

~Author Unknown, commonly misattributed to Samuel Johnson
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 1:22:23 AM EDT
[#29]
Why stand there and look like an idiot when you can open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 1:47:12 AM EDT
[#30]
Quoted:

Quoted:
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
http://i719.photobucket.com/albums/ww199/JediAnnSolo/Internet%20GIFs/Bravo_clap.gif
 


Shaw was a bastard and I hope he's rotting in Hell.
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 1:49:53 AM EDT
[#31]
Love it!  
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 1:55:20 AM EDT
[#32]
"Where's the beef?"
http://youtu.be/Ug75diEyiA0

Keep your insult simple and you won't lose a younger audience.
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 1:57:00 AM EDT
[#33]
These are great!
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 2:19:38 AM EDT
[#34]
Creative insults are always amusing.
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 8:26:36 AM EDT
[#35]
I really wish I could come up with stuff this great, my l'esprit de l'escalier never fails me however...
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 8:32:56 AM EDT
[#36]


I was scrolling down to post "Your Majesty is like a stream of bat piss"
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 8:38:23 AM EDT
[#37]
Quoted:
Some good ones in there.

I always love Winston Churchill quotes. A drunken poet of insults.


He's the historical figure I would most enjoy having a drink with, I think.
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 8:44:11 AM EDT
[#38]



Quoted:



Quoted:




Quoted:

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

http://i719.photobucket.com/albums/ww199/JediAnnSolo/Internet%20GIFs/Bravo_clap.gif

 




Shaw was a bastard and I hope he's rotting in Hell.


Yep. Here he is on the USSR:




But the most elaborate code of this sort would still have left
unspecified a hundred ways in which wreckers of Communism could have
sidetracked it without ever having to face the essential questions: are
you pulling your weight in the social boat? are you giving more trouble
than you are worth? have you earned the privilege of living in a
civilized community? That is why the Russians were forced to set up an
Inquisition or Star Chamber, called at first the Cheka and now the Gay
Pay Oo (Ogpu), to go into these questions and "liquidate" persons who
could not answer them satisfactorily.

 
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 8:48:55 AM EDT
[#39]
Gen. Sir Edward Pakenham could at times be a surly, disagreeable fellow. After his death at the Battle of New Orleans his body was placed in a cask of liquor for the return voyage home.

Some wag supposedly remarked,  “He came home in better spirits than he left.”
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 9:34:37 AM EDT
[#40]

Link Posted: 11/5/2011 9:40:52 AM EDT
[#41]
TAG


Link Posted: 11/5/2011 9:58:01 AM EDT
[#42]
Quoted:
TAG


Link Posted: 11/5/2011 10:05:29 AM EDT
[#43]
good shit tag
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 10:19:24 AM EDT
[#44]
Good post, It reminded me of the British Officer fitness reports.

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.




––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

 
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 10:24:23 AM EDT
[#45]
Some quality zingers in there.
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 10:25:35 AM EDT
[#46]
Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberry!

Monty Python
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 10:26:06 AM EDT
[#47]



Quoted:


Good post, It reminded me of the British Officer fitness reports.



<snip>

 






 
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 10:44:22 AM EDT
[#48]
Quoted:
 I heard my grandfather use this one, " If I ordered a boxcar full of sonavabitches and you were all that stepped out, I wouldn't file a short-weight."


Link Posted: 11/5/2011 5:01:04 PM EDT
[#49]
"your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"...

–– Monty Python
Link Posted: 11/5/2011 5:32:07 PM EDT
[#50]
I've always liked one of William F. Buckley's lines after a liberal made an asinine comment on his show:

"I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting you actually believe what you just said."
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 2
Close Join Our Mail List to Stay Up To Date! Win a FREE Membership!

Sign up for the ARFCOM weekly newsletter and be entered to win a free ARFCOM membership. One new winner* is announced every week!

You will receive an email every Friday morning featuring the latest chatter from the hottest topics, breaking news surrounding legislation, as well as exclusive deals only available to ARFCOM email subscribers.


By signing up you agree to our User Agreement. *Must have a registered ARFCOM account to win.
Top Top