(Tl;Dr Son admitted to driving recklessly, his Mom and I disagree on punishment, she punished the way she wanted, I had a hissy.)

So Friday night my son got home (with his Mom this week) and told her that he was following a teammate home from swim practice, and since Theo decided to speed up, my son (hereafter referred to as "the Moron") just had to speed up too.  Said he was doing 90, though he wasn't sure, because his speedometer tops out at 85. He was semi-bragging to his Mom, which is a problem in that he sees her as an equal, not a superior (see my thread in Team).

• Vehicle: 89 Dodge Ramcharger with a 318, loose steering and new but broken in tires.
• Terrain: I'm guessing one of the multi-lane boulevards, though might have been a back road
• General driving schedule: School, a couple of miles.  Swim practice 4x/week, 30 miles round trip.  Swim meets Saturday, same distance. Employment as swim coach, 1x/week @ 20 miles round trip. Various doctor's appointments and other commitments, also about 20 miles round trip.
• Experience.  Has his license about a month and a half.

His Mother suggested taking his keys away for a month.  I suggested an alternate package: He can't drive at all until his steering gets fixed. He can drive to other commitments but not to school or social events (humiliation from peers). I make him pay 1 month of his insurance to show him what he gets from us (by which I mean me) and what would happen if he got a ticket or accident.  We discussed it Friday night, and she said she would sleep on my suggestions. Didn't hear from her yesterday, but today I get an angry text from my son asking how taking his keys away for a month is going to teach him to be a better driver.  Texted his Mom - she "forgot" to get back with me before implementing the punishment.

I was livid.  I have *always* backed her up on punishments, even when I thought she had missed the mark, because it's important to present a united front and punishments for most infractions are best served up quickly.  But I think one month of no keys is both too long AND the wrong punishment.  The most practical reason is that neither of us would be consistent implementing it.  First week fine.  Second week, she would get sick or not be able to drive him somewhere for some reason, so "just this once"...etc. etc. The second reason maybe has more to do with me, but part of me feels she doesn't have the moral authority to punish him for a car related infraction.  She has not been involved at all in either kid getting a car.  I helped them choose them, brokered the transactions, maintain the title and license, pay the insurance, help them with repairs and maintenance.

Anyway, I told her if she wanted to implement a punishment without getting my agreement, she could do it on her time.  When he's with me, I'll give him the punishment *I* choose.  She said she DID agree with my proposals - except for the duration and the scope.  I replied "THAT'S NOT AGREEMENT!"  I told her the most I would do to implement *her* punishment was that when he went to her house for the week, the Ramcharger would stay here and I would hold his keys so he doesn't come by after school (I live a lot closer than his Mom.)

Am I being an asshat?  Am I being played by The Moron, or The Ex?  Is one month bannination too long, too short, or just right?

ETA: Almost forgot - rules:

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ETA: Update He gets a leash, not the cage.

I'm confused.
He just went 90 and no accident?

When I was a teen the speedometer in my vehicle topped out at 85 as well. I knew much better than to ever tell my parents about the many, many times I pinned that needle beyond the limit.

My prediction is that your son will learn the same from this experience, which you only know about because he was honest with you. Good luck.

Yes.  Wouldn't have even known if he had just kept his mouth shut.

I'm a bit torn, because we've really tried to instill in our kids that they can be open with us.  But this definitely bordered on bragging.

You need to install a GPS tracking device on his car that will record vehicle speeds.  If he knows that he is being monitored, he won't speed again.

A month works . I say stick with it . If he blows a tire at 90 or runs off the road and barrel rolls what happens ?  He needs to understand he made a poor decision . Ramchickens are not the greatest handling machines . My son put him and a friend in the hospital at the beginning  of the year in a 4 wheeler crash that was preventable . My son broke his collarbone and his hand , his friend spent 5 days and had to have his knee rebuilt . There was a lesson but it might have been lost

I do like your idea about fixing the steering, as it should be in proper working order if he is going to do normal new driver things in the vehicle.

The local PD probably taught me a better lesson about speeding than my parents ever could have.

Tell him he needs to pay insurance from now on, if can't afford it, I guess you don't drive, enforce punishment until he gets the picture.

OP I think you're being reasonable in this situation, though I suggest you make your son pay his own portion of the insurance from here on out. It shouldn't take more than a few hours of work per week to cover it.  Responsibility and all that...

When I was a kid 125 was common.

Angry text from son..?

Good bye phone.

  If he is doing 90 in VA it will be a self correcting problem very soon, full disclosure I was doing the same thing 20 years ago but times change.  I would remind your son reckless driving in VA isn't a simple traffic ticket, people have gotten arrested and sentenced to ten days in jail for it.  Take him to a junk yard and show him some seriously wrecked cars, ask him how he would feel if he maimed or killed himself or one of his friends? 

I have no idea what speed was common. My speedometer didn't go that high.

Couple of ideas:

Fix the truck so it can't go faster then locally posted speed limits.

Rattle can a big pink stripe down the sides

GPS tracker that gives driving data. Look up teen vehicle safety gps

Wooden block under the gas pedal that won't let him go faster than 40

This is a great idea. And tell him that none of the former owners of those cars planned on them ending up there.

GPS tracker. They're cheap today and you can get a shop to install one and probably fix the steering at the same time. Let your son know if he disables it he loses driving privileges. You can also get a discount on car insurance with one.

I'd say come to an agreement with the mom this one time, as she is showing that she is not going to agree with you and establish ground rules going forward that you both can agree on.

90mph in that vehicle is an automatic death trap.

Probably not nearly the volume of texting asshats on the road back them. 

Hell, when I was a kid we'd have to stick a flaming torch up the dinosaur's ass to get up to 60. 

Well, there are issues regarding the communication between you and the ex.
The punishment? Well, I would suggest backing up your ex-wife's decision even though you aren't in agreement. He'll remember a month long ban as opposed to a week ban.

And, you need to create new set of rules and corresponding set of punishments related to his high school driving life. This will make coming up with a punishment a no contest issue.  

Your alternative is way out of left field from where I'm reading.

Son speeds, you propose he has to fix his car, pay some money, keep driving and deal with a little inconvenience. None of that would say to me "Gee, I better not get caught speeding again because I might have to suffer the punishment again." Your punishment seems unrelated to the crime. Sounds like you are teaching him a financial lesson instead of a responsibility and good decision making.

Taking his keys away for a month (and being firm in that month) would have a much better effect on me. "Damn, I wish I didn't have to ride the fuckin bus or beg my friends to pick me up. This fuckin blows."

I would suggest taking his keys, grounding him to school/activities/room, making him pay the months insurance, and then implementing a continuous small amount he has to pay each month until you decide he's learned something. Try to mimic real life consequences, but to a lessor extent. (losing license, jail, car repair, continued financial burden..)

I like to think I would lay down the law. I don't have kids yet.

When mom and dad are not on the same page kids will use it to their advantage.  Mom not backing your play puts you as the bad guy and her as the great awesome mom/friend a boy could want.  BS on her part.

I wouldn't let him drive it until the steering is fixed.  I would make him pay the insurance, period.  What happens if he gets into a bad wreck at 90, passengers are hurt/killed ?  The litigation will be expensive.  

I don't remember if you said the car was in your name.  If so, his irresponsible driving may become your worst nightmare.  

I would take the keys away for an indeterminate amount of time with the message, "You will get them back when I feel you can be a responsible driver."  And if mom doesn't like it, too F'IN bad.  She can buy him a car.

ETA:  So mom ignored your conversation, took away the keys for a month and said, "Your father and I think this is an appropriate punishment."  I would tell junior what your punishment idea was, tell him that mom ignored their conversation and went w/ her idea.  Mom has shown no respect for you so I would return the favor.

$2022/year.  That's just for him and the Ramcharger

If e all lived under the same roof, he wouldn't need to text.  He doesn't abuse it.

Except I don't live in VA - I live across the Potomac in the PRM.

But the JY trip might be a good idea.

The problem with solutions like in red that is they can be defeated easily and put back so I don't know about it.  I'm teaching him auto mechanics - I'd be almost disappointed if he couldn't beat that.

The GPS tracker, on the other hand...doing research now.

It's not the bragging, so much as bragging to his mother.  As if she didn't have the authority to punish him.

The steering is an issue with a shitty design (Chrysler, I know) in the coupler between the steering shaft and the box. I already bought the kit to fix it.

That's what's so frustrating - we normally DO agree, and consult.

My 21 y.o. nephew just got popped for doing 50 over. My sister got him an attorney and he somehow got the ticket reduced to 40 over. $500 fine and loss of his license for 45 days. I wouldn't want to pay his insurance bill from here on out.

This. I got a ticket when I was 16 not too long after I got my license in my Mustang coming home from work on a dark country road. Mother made me pay for it and the increase in my insurance. That took a bit of foot off the accelerator after that from me

It's not lack of respect.  I mean, she doesn't respect me, but that's not the root cause.  She has Adult ADD, which means her ability to remember and act on commitments sucks.  And shitty impulse control, so whe he wanted to go to a friend's today she just blurted what was on her mind.  The other part is former lawyer, recovering alcoholic - nothing is ever her fault, and she will parse the exact words of a conversation to support that ("I never said I would discuss it with you more...")

Ahh the old divorced parents raising kids always works out great. 

I'm not going to cut her legs out from under her.  But that doesn't mean I'm going to lie to my son and tell him that she and I are in agreement. Haven't figured that out yet.

   Right on, I saw the VA tag in the reflection of the bumper. Good luck whatever you choose to do. 

It's a horrible thing we did to our kids.  But it was the least bad option.  All my kids saw when we were together for the last year was hatred and disrespect, and we were teaching them THAT was the way a relationship was supposed to be.

Make him fix the steering.

He'll learn something and realize how little control he has in a truck like that by crawling under there.

Eta: I'd say screw her punishment and not allow him to drive it until he fixes the truck when in your custody.

Oops, yeah, bought it from a guy in VA, those pics were for the insurance company originally.

Your marital situation has caused you to lose both power and respect.  Demanding it back won't achieve the goal you're hoping for.

If it were me I'd sit the boy down, and explain to him why what he did was wrong and how disappointed I was in him, and that "I'll let your Mother punish you".  Then I'd fix the steering, pretend it didn't happen and hope it doesn't happen again.

I'd make him fix the lawn

Here ya go
http://www.gpsmotosafety.com/index_wired.html?gclid=Cj0KEQiAhNnCBRCqkP6bvOjz_IwBEiQAMn_TMUis6emTIr212igcBJmjMlzKwdpAQ-vst3sJxhpRKVUaAnaK8P8HAQ

I'd still limit the speed AND install the gps tracker.

+1

Sounds like you may want to explain to him that A.) His mom is not one of his friends.  B.) Don't brag about stupid shit he does to his mom.  C.) Keep his mouth shut about stupid shit.

Nope - this is an 89. OBD-I.  That requires plugging into an OBD-II port.

But there are others.

Limit to...what?  Traffic around here tends to follow it's own speed, generally above the posted limit.  Traveling much below that is as unsafe as going faster in some instances.

That's a brush pile resulting from a tree we took down.  He spent a LOT of the summer chipping that up, and we still have a lot to go.

Wife is wrong. You need to get that shit in check.

Even so, when I was that age if I gave my dad an angry anything it was going to end very, very poorly for me.  Not that I never did it, sometimes you just have to try something once to see how bad it is.  

meh...I did way more retarded shit..make him pay insurance for 2 months and let him know it only goes up with claims...

He's got a racing number on the side and you think he's not hauling ass all the time?