Posted: 5/21/2005 8:32:41 AM EST
The Real Reason For The War
The angry Left has finally called the nation out.
The real reason the US liberated Iraq was because of...SAND.
You see, America doesn’t have much sand, and Iraq has a lot. Mr. Bush and the conservatives secretly believe that the US needs more beaches because the economy benefits from people spending their recreation money at the beach. In a New York Times poll taken on February 29, 2003, Mr. M. Lefty Moore revealed that, despite the government’s hoodwinking, the awful truth is that America’s economy depends on the very corn dogs, cotton candy, and funnel cake sold at the beach vending huts.
With a jelly doughnut in one hand and a bottle of Maalox in the other, he stated to our cameras...
“Americans will not be duped any longer! The truth is told! Does our government really think we can’t see through their propaganda war claiming Saddam is a bad guy? Does the government really want us to believe through their Hollywood filming that the Iraqi people are oppressed or tortured? Saddam is a great example that our leaders should follow!” He later continued, “The US thinks we can’t see the relationship between sand and beaches and vending huts, but we’re smarter than that! We see it all, and will never be swayed from the truth!”
He shook his fist in the air, causing him to lose his balance and fall backwards. He couldn’t stand back up until four or five of his bodyguards strapped on weight belts and finally propped him up with the utmost of teamwork.
Later that day, our reporters interviewed some angry protesters screaming incoherently at the sky. We tried to interview many of them, but most were either screaming too loudly, or too hoarse to speak. The hoarse ones were handing out pamphlets stating that the government was putting banned chemicals in their food to make them hoarse. The pamphlets then closed saying “give peace a chance.”
We did have the opportunity to interview one protester who sat dejected with his stereo on the side of the street. He told us that he was blasting his favorite tape of airplanes taking off, but his batteries finally died.
He claimed the defective batteries were another successful fascist plot...
”The Neo-Nazi government has infected our culture at all levels.” While looking for a bat to pound a pail he stole from a nearby flower shop, he continued, “The war for sand is clear: Does America have enough sand? NO! Do the corporations need sand for beaches? YES. Do you buy twizzlers at beaches? Do you!? OF COURSE! The truth hurts, doesn’t it? And Does Iraq have sand? Well I’ll tell you, the fact is that Iraq hold most of the sand in the world. Why else would the US be liberating that country? Why else? See...I rest my case.” He immediately continued, “I know Saudi Arabia and Kuwait have sand too, as well as many other nations, but you see, well, that’s not the point. The point is that the US wants to get the Iraqi sand. That’s the awful truth.”
The man then saw a small child with a lollipop. He jumped out at her and started screaming in her ear...
“You are a slave to that lollipop! That’s what the government will be forcing on you at their new beaches! With every lick you are killing innocent Iraqis!”
The girl burst into tears.
The man said to us, “You see! The government has already gotten to our children! We all must rise up now! RIGHT NOW! AAAHHHHHHHH!” He continued screaming at the little girl. The father approached and pushed him away. The police arrested them both.
As the peace protester struggled into the car, he continued, “I’m being deprived my rights! I have the right to freedom of speech! This is the colonial oppression in action! You are violating my rights! That man attacked me! He only knows violence with his fists and guns and bombs!”
This 35 year old protester was later bailed out by his mother.
Obviously the schism in America deepens. The sand theory has taken many in its wake. After all, it’s a theory with facts and logic that can’t be refuted.
-April 10, 2003
-Silent Lyric Productions
ok, I'll admit that was pretty darn creative
If someone posted this on DU, there would probably be plenty of liberals believing it.
Ban sand! Do it for the children!