Ok, with all the confusion regarding church and religion going on lately:

Gay Bishops - The Bible really didn't mean that part.

Homosexual weddings - Yeah, we know what the Bible says but weddings pay really good. Think of the San Francisco ministers.

Molesting childen - Just for Catholics?

Mormons - So can you just start making this crap up?

Porn - Wasn't Eve naked?

Pork - Why does everything good start with "P"?

Etc.

It is time for me to act. Clearly we need a new demonination. So in the spirit of New Coke I'm declaring a new religion.

CHRISTIAN LITE: The New, New Testament.

Now first a message to the Christians.

Like YOU we were told by God that the following is HIS word and must be obeyed. We were told all other Gods except him were false. Anyone speaking of other Gods or previous religions are obviously Satan in disguise and here to deceive us. The NEW New Testamate, or as we call it "T3" supercedes all previous testaments and laws. Those parts of T1 and T2 that support our views are acceptable but anything that is contradictory to T3 is no longer valid.

This we were told by GOD who appeared to us one night and it wasn't just because we were cleaning our guns in a poorly ventilated area with lots of Break Free.

OK, the good news.

PORK SUNDAY - All Good CLs must eat pork once a week as a preventative measure to protect against contact with Muslim terrorists. In light of this we feel Dept. of Homeland Security should subsidize our church or at least provide free pork.

GOD SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED SMGS. So we will be petitioning the US government to be provided post dealer samples for religious purposes.

PORN is OK. God said since it lends directly to procreation it is to be sanctioned by our Church. Marriage Counceling just got a lot more effective. "So Mrs. Jones, how often do you watch porn with the husband?"

But he did have some rules as well, behold the NEW 10 Rules

I    I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD, YOU SHALL HAVE no other gods BEFORE ME.

Still in effect, God is just cooler and less edgy.  

II   YOU SHALL NOT MISUSE THE NAME OF THE LORD YOUR GOD.

The big guy is still pissed about this one. So instead of "God Dammit" or "Jesus Christ" the new accepted ourburst are "Holy Shit" and "Fucking Crap."

III    REMEMBER THE SABBATH DAY BY KEEPING IT HOLY.

Pork N Porn Night.

IV    HONOR YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER.

Still applies but with the following exemptions. If your parents are nuts, deranged, unstable or negatively influence your life once you have moved out. Parents who have ever been on Jerry Springer are automatically exempted. If your Dad is just a cheap SOB and your Mother bitches about the wifes cooking you are still not allowed to kick them to the curb.

V    YOU SHALL NOT MURDER.

Still in effect. But we did get some clarification. Killing those who would kill you is NOT murder assuming you are innocent.

VI   YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

Still a rule, we tried. We did get the following exemption, it is not 'adultery' if the wife participates.

VII   YOU SHALL NOT STEAL.

Don't take anybody's shit by means of subturfuge or decpetion or manipulation of facts. This especially applies to televangelists who we are told are all going to hell without exception.

VIII   YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE TESTIMONY AGAINST YOUR NEIGHBOR.

Don't make up shit. Still a good rule. If your neighbor is an ass, pretty soon you'll get him on the facts.

IX    YOU SHALL NOT COVET YOUR NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.

No longer in effect. The new rule is "look but don't touch." Touching can only be done with the permission of all parties involved, including your wife.

X    YOU SHALL NOT COVET YOUR NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.

Ruled to be communist thought and illegal. Competition with the Jones is what drives a free economy. Also is a good indicator of when your boss needs to give you a raise.


Tithing is still going on so by all means send those checks.

If you break a rule you have to come to Church and tell everyone what you did... No confessionals here. Then those in attendence will decide a suitable atonement. When we are done making fun of you we will assess your financial damages and you will be on your way.

Will add more as uh...God relates his word... and will advise you guys.

Enjoy the new religion, play safe.

Quoted: You know you're going to burn in hell for that, right?

No, not according to God.

In fact, that was 'almost' the 11th Rule...ONLY GOD shall decide who will burn in hell.

But for the time, I am just doing the Lords work and spreading the good news as he instructed us. The only difference is we must confine our efforts to places like the internet. This is because we are not allowed to walk around and wake you up on Sunday morning. God thinks the solicitor/telemarketer approach cheapens "the word".

Quoted: Are there any "chosen people"?  You know, so we can get a free ride into heaven if we give them lots of money?

God is currently considering exotic dancers. That way Heaven becomes like a ladies night and if all the Hooters girls will definitely be there, there is that much more incentive to stay on the good side.

Unlike those 72 virgins that pimp Mohammed is offering, these girls will know what they are doing and won't be fussy about stuff like oral.

Just remember the televangelists will be in Hell so you really don't wanna go there.

Quoted: Well okay then. I've paid my way in and should have a enough Karma left over for three of my closest friends.   On the next holy day I'm going to donate a pile of extra small, extra thin, plain white t-shirts to a girls only school.  The following week they get webcams and squirtguns.

You are doing wonderful work on behalf of the Lord. May he bless you and all your endevours. If only more people followed your fine example, what a wonderful world it could be.

Bumped to spread the word.

When are y'all cheapskates gonna start 'tithing?" Daddy needs a new Rolex to better respresent the faith. [:D]

SA, I think I might like to be ordained in your new faith.





Edited because my "holy" typing ain't for crap!  (Seek & ye shall find method.)

Do not blasphemy T3.

The word has been revealed to us in T3 for the sake of our salvation. All others will burn, or at least suffer a really bad wedgie.

No way. The Band of Brothers marathon in observance of Memorial Day is gonna run past midnight.

Well I can't speak for the San Francisco or Key West chapters.