Q: Are the stories of "Hoser" carrying grenades and other assorted small arms in the cockpit of his F-8 during Vietnam true?

A: They're true.  I remember Hoser dropping a grenade on the deck in RR 1 on Intrepid back in '68. The thing went clacking across the linoleum, between RR chairs etc before he recovered the errant potato. Hey, you could only watch Hoser and smile.  He's one of a kind.

-Rattler

Hoser: Yup, I remember that...very clumsy of  D-Hose.. I 'never' did that again!  The 0rdnance load seems to get heavier every few years...It were in fact: 2 MK 33 grenades, 1 Colt Python, 6" bbl.357 loaded (+60rds 158 gr.JHP): 1, 9mm S&W (issue)w flares & non -Nato hollow points. 3 magazines plus one in the grip, none in the pipe: (1) Bo Randall knife plus one thrower behind left shoulder torso harness. 1..PRC 90 with 2 extra batterries:  Alertness pills, 20(issued amphetamines), 2 packs Raleigh Filter cigs... damn, I woulda hated to be down in the jungle with out a cigarette. 2 pints of water, *a signal mirror, matches, snare wire and camo make-up and a good compass.  There was a little more but can't remember. Oh yeah, a boot knife(thrower) right boot outside.   VR  D-Hose        Now, on the next combat cruise D-Hose modified his survival gear a bit .... but that's a whole nother story.

Hoser is the Guns Phase leader and I am not sure if you were in the RAG then or not. MOON Vance was the skipper. Hoser comes walking into the ready room ready to brief and he is wearing what looks like a seat belt around his waist. Most of us who knew Hoser knew better than to ask.....but, I knew it would be an interesting day. Seems ole Hoser had gotten himself a warning from a station civcop the day before for not adhereing to the new Oceana safety instruction that had gone into effect that Monday. So I ask Hoser, hey man whats with the seat belt? Hozer responds...Boz, you must not have read Oceana saftey inst. 3654.21-4 (made up) which clearly states that one must wear a seatbelt at all times when aboard Naval Air Station Oceana. He told me he searched out the civcop on his way through the gate showed him the belt and told him he was in full compliance. They changed the instruction later to reflect that the seat belt had to be attached to the car.

Back in '79-'82 I was in VAQ-33 flying ERA-3B Skywarriors as an EWO (Aircraft EW Model Manager, Aircraft Commander, Mission Commander and Event Commander) pulling 185 days a year on the road (double the average) with two primary and four collateral duty jobs, including Senior Watch Officer.  

Hoser had been with us just a few months, brought in to fly the EF-4 that went away almost as soon as he arrived and after he had qualified as EC-121J (actually an NC-121K) Aircraft Commander after just two flights.

As a privilege of being SWO on some of my rare time home I was standing in at the Duty Desk while the SDO (one of the Skipper's "Babies") took a 1.5 hour lunch to practice golf with the Skipper when the phone rang and I launched into the standard, "VAQ-33 Squadron Duty Office, LT Kelley speaking, Sir.  May I help you?"

The voice on the other end of the horn says, "This is Secretary of the Navy John Lehman.  Could you please find LCDR Satrapa for me?"

I know Hoser is in the Ready Room next door, so I open the little access hatch and motion Hoser to come to the Duty Office.  He comes in - shyly, as always - he smiles broadly when I tell him it's SecNav on the horn, picks up the phone and says, as calmly as I've ever seen him:

"Hi, John. No, John.  No, John.  No John.  F*** you, John.  Bye-bye" - and hangs up, turning and walking out the Duty Office door.  About this time my lower jaw is still resting firmly on the Duty Office desk as I track Hoser exiting the area.

The phone rings again almost immediately and before I can get past the first three words of the standard greeting I hear, "This is Lehman again.  See if you can get Hoser back here, please."

I turn and again open the access hatch (really a little coffee cup door) and whistle and motion until Hoser looks at me waving the phone in my hand.  Shortly, he storms into the Duty Office...a big smile shining under that bushy red mustache and hooked nose...grabs the phone, still smiling, and says, quickly:

"Hello, John.  No, John.  F*** you, John." - and hangs up the phone a bit more forcefully this time, smiling at me as he does so and exits the door.

All I can do is watch as Hoser exits the Duty Office as the phone rings again before he even makes it back to the Ready Room.

I pick up the phone and say, "Mr. Secretary?"

SecNav answers, "LT Kelley, would you please tell Hoser I would consider it a personal favor if he would take my call, listen to what I have to say and stop telling me to f*** myself."

After about five minutes of cajoling and threatening (yeah, right) I get Hoser to pick up the phone again and actually TALK with SecNav.  

How long negotiations took to get Hoser to take the gunnery instructor slot - Hoser had only been in Key West a few months and didn't want to uproot his family after such a short time - I don't know, but I know how the negotiations started.

“A Fighter Pilot’s mind is a deep/ devious chaos of insatiable mirth and levity”. (Keets)  

A couple years ago on one of Snortly’s visits to Hoser’s hunt lodge and after a few shooters, paint ball gun target practice on eight CA grey squirrels evolved. One squirrel beat feet up a 150 ft Ponderosa Pine after being severely pelted with yellow paint balls. The volley of paint balls continued at the now, yellow-grey squirrel. As he reached the top of the Ponderosa, paint balls still had him bracketed.

Having enough of these hostilities, the little bugger did an amazing thing….he leaped off the branch in to the air, spread the skin between his front and rear legs and glided about 60 yds. down slope to a ‘roll and tumble’ landing with no apparent injuries

HOLYGWACKASCAMOLY!  They can fly!!!???  Well, that was the first and only CA grey squirrel that Snort or Hoser had ever seen fly and we wondered If they ‘All’ could do it???  HaaazzAhH!  Thus spawned the Snortly/Hoser, CA Grey Squirrel “Flight Verification Program”!

A clay pigeon bird shooter padded with sheep skin, baited with peanuts, a long trigger string, a nice downhill launch angle with a pine needle landing buffer was incorporated. After only two glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon, Scrot shows up. Hell, D-Hose cain’t  launch “King Kong” on a futile orbit.  So, Scrot is allowed to eat peanuts without being catapulted. After baiting with more peanuts, Elroy appears... He is a feisty little s—t and needed an attitude adjustment.

SLINGAFRACKINGDOOBIES!!! Off he goes at about 30 degree launch angle and maybe 35 knots end speed.  Elroy frizz-bee'd a couple times laterally, then somersaults end-over-end, recovers, and damned if he didn’t glide to a near perfect roll and tumble landing!  After three more catapulted squirrels, seems the little buggers opted not to participate in the “Snortly/Hoser Flight Verification Program” (NO MORE!!).    VR  D-Hose

Snortly = Dale "Snort" Snodgrass

On one cross-country outbound from Pt Mugu (in a Tomcat) we were cruising along at 350kts and I smelled smoke! (we never wore masks when we didn’t have to)  I queried Hoser as to whether he smelled anything… He told me that he was having trouble lighting his cigarette, and that he was taking a big breath of LOX, and blowing on the lighter to get enough 02 to get the thing lit!

Picture Hoser ... recently brought back from retirement by Sec Nav himself after a challenge at the JO forum at Tailhook. When I saw Hoser shortly afterward in the Oceana club in his aviation greens ... he said he just "opened up the closet and IT WAS STILL RIGGED!" (after several years of retirement, the devices were still attached to the shirt! Laundering NOT REQUIRED!)

So Hoser becomes the guns phase leader (again) and is rubbing shoulders with those of us 15 years junior in seniority, about 30 years his junior in experience.

Hoser is schedule for a 2 vs 2 ACM flight against Langley F-15s with a student in his back seat and a student pilot on his wing. Wingman goes down on deck (airplane breaks). Hoser launches alone and unafraid and they check in to the controller as a "flight" of two. Hoser and his RIO proceed to talk back and forth like they're two a/c instead of one.

Fight's on!

Eagles get tally of one at merge (imagine that) and they break their necks looking for the other Tomcat (which is back at the line at VF-101). Hoser –– the master of the slow flight –– maneuvers in for one gun kill, then two.

Knock it off, knock it off!!!

Eagle drivers are pissed when they find out that the "two-ship" they just foght was Hoser and his RIO. All reposition for a second run.  Now it's a KNOWN 1 vs 2 and the Eagle drivers (one major and one ltCol –– were HOT!)

Fight's on!

Picture afterburner spouting F-15s pulling their delta wings off –– and Hoser with the big boys (flaps) working in a "non-landing configuration," cartwheeling  and pivoting across the sky like Mary Lou Retton on steroids. Gun kill #3 ... followed by #4.

Knock it off, knock it off!!! Everyone's out of gas, RTB.

Phone rings in skippers office at VF-101. Lt Col on phone wants to know WHO the heck was in that Tomcat that did things "not possible by the laws of physics?!"  Skipper looks at flight schedule –– sees Hoser, and with a knowing smile, gives the air force officer the number to the phase leader's office to debrief with Hoser himself.  Word filters down to Hoser that this Lt Col was impressed and wants to (a crude expression was used here I won't repeat since this is a family board.)

Ring, ring. Hoser picks up phone and humbly says "lieutenant JG Satrapa SIR!" (making the two air force officers think they'd just got their butts kicked by an F-14 STUDENT PILOT!!)  "Thank you sir, thank you sir" blurts out Hoser while he tries not to bust out laughing –– the rest of us were less successful.

Thanh Hoa - renamed by da gomers Ham Dong for "Dragons Jaw"

Our strike continued west past the bridge (note smoke generators working overtime) and the craters from previous strikes making area look like face of the moon. Photo by Satrapa/Binder RA-5C style



We hit the Thanh Hoa Railyard and sprinkling the cars with ordnance resulting in Boo Koo secondaries. Cloud of smoke is from ordnance and secondaries. D-Hose, in his trustee Vigi @ Warp Factor 9, heads in after waiting for smoke to clear enough for BDA and then beats feet for the coastline.

Well, on the way out, the Thanh hoa Bridge is still obscured, so it is a nice Kodak moment. If you note the TOT is one minute later than the railroad yard photo, that may give you an idea of how far it is from zea bridge...Egh! A Vigi in full blower is nibbling 765kts. No wonder the flak bursts usually appeared bout 3K hehind us!

Well, the very next day, Leighton "Snuffy" Smith (now known as "Sir Snuffy" after being knighted for role as Admiral Smith who went eyeball to eyeball with Serbs in Bosnia) in an A-7 took out the center span of the Thanh Hoa Bridge with a Walleye. The Recce pass was made by Wes Rutledge with George Canellos in the back. VR D-Hose

PS - a keen eyed observer might notice that the Intel spies goofed on recognition for my RAN between the two pictures. Rob Binder and I were crewed together for entire flight - no airborne substitutions! Haar!