History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains
during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster
in the summer.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing
animals to B-B-Q at Night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women.

The rest became known as 'girlymen.' Some noteworthy liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group
therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide
how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally,
anyone who works productively outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying
to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.