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Posted: 9/16/2004 9:18:48 AM EDT
SEP 13, 2005

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a long-time AWNA supporter. "This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a bette r job, or have some idea of what they are doing", said Kerry.

President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service and Medicare, both of which have a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of the employees of these two important organizations lack job skills,
making these two agencies the single largest US employers of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and the
home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%).

President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Non-abled people for top level government positions, including many
cabinet-level jobs.

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act , more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important sounding titles but little
real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations
which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree
to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills of experience which relates to this job?" and "how can you make this company successful?".

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a Lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Said Kerry, "It is our duty to provide each and every American Citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
Link Posted: 9/16/2004 9:21:39 AM EDT
That's sure to get him the vote!

But still,

Link Posted: 9/16/2004 9:28:55 AM EDT
Woohoo! Government teet here I come!
Link Posted: 9/16/2004 9:29:23 AM EDT
Very creative. Funny, but a long read. Overall score: 7.5 out of 10.
Link Posted: 9/16/2004 9:33:24 AM EDT
I hate these papers that do not report the whole truth. The state and federal government have been hiring persons with no abilities for years!

My wife worked for New York State, and despite her disability, out-performed workers that had been there for over 20 years. Why dont they get their facts straight?

Bill H.
Link Posted: 9/16/2004 9:34:07 AM EDT
I wouldn't be too surprised to see something like that if Kerry were president...
Link Posted: 9/16/2004 10:02:02 AM EDT
I rate it an 83...it has a good beat and you can dance to it.
Link Posted: 9/16/2004 10:09:46 AM EDT

Link Posted: 9/16/2004 12:08:11 PM EDT
Well done.
Link Posted: 9/16/2004 12:12:54 PM EDT
I may have to re-think my vote now

Link Posted: 9/16/2004 2:07:06 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/16/2004 2:08:45 PM EDT by GaryM]
Hey! I am a postal worker and I object!! as for postal workers,all some a few....ummmm... never mind.....

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