1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

4.Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

5. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

6. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

7. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

8. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

9.If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

l0. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

Frozen peas dont work as well as drywall screws....


-HS

[Looks Both Ways Suspiciously]Funnier than sgtar15![/Looks Both Ways Suspiciously]

[LOL]

I've got a nasty sinus infection, and I've been coughing like hell this whole week.  Should I... naaaaaaaah.

So you'r sure Martha is going to jail and you want to take her place.