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Posted: 6/5/2008 4:19:15 PM EDT
A friend of mine needs some jokes to tell. I'm more of an funny-observation guy, and the only jokes I know are kinda long/hard to tell, so if the hive-mind could donate some short jokes, I'd appreciate it.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:19:56 PM EDT
29
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:20:25 PM EDT
Why does obama want to keep "In god we trust" on coins?

Because its change we can believe in.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:20:53 PM EDT
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office naked and wrapped only in saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:22:03 PM EDT
Q: What do you call a cow on the ground?




A: Ground beef!
What's your audience?  That'll make a difference in the type of joke they find funny.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:22:07 PM EDT
A priest, a midget and a kangaroo are sitting in a bar...





Forgot the rest. Sorry.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:22:33 PM EDT
how do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?
<­BR>
Give him a blow job.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:22:44 PM EDT
Did I tell it wrong?
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:24:05 PM EDT
A guy gets invited to a costume party where the costume must be an emotion.  So he walks in completely naked with a piece of fruit on his dick.  The host asks "what emotion are you supposed to be?"

He replies smartly "I'm fucking dis-pear!"  
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:25:02 PM EDT
AROCK is a saint among men.
<­BR>







J/K

F U AROCK
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:25:12 PM EDT
You know how your roommate is gay?





His dick tastes like shit.

Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:25:15 PM EDT

Quoted:
Did I tell it wrong?


Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:26:00 PM EDT

Quoted:
What's your audience?  That'll make a difference in the type of joke they find funny.


Cops
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:26:36 PM EDT
Q: How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowblower?





A: Giver her a Shovel
Q: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
­
<­BR>





A: Nothing, you already told her twice
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:26:46 PM EDT
From The Boondock Saints:


Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco: Uh, OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a spic, a white guy, and a black guy.
Yakavetta: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy...
Vincenzo Lipazzi: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right, he says to the nigger "What do you want?" and the nigger says, "I want all my nigger brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So... I'm not funny today, really, this joke sucks, I know...
Yakavetta: Continue the joke.
Rocco: Uh, so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:26:59 PM EDT
Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:27:18 PM EDT

Quoted:

Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco: Uh, OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a spic, a white guy, and a black guy.
Yakavetta: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy...
Vincenzo Lipazzi: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right, he says to the nigger "What do you want?" and the nigger says, "I want all my nigger brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So... I'm not funny today, really, this joke sucks, I know...
Yakavetta: Continue the joke.
Rocco: Uh, so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."


I think about that joke every day..
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:27:53 PM EDT
A guy goes to the doctor and his doctor tells him he needs to stop masturbating.
"Why is that?" the guy asks...

And, the doctor says, "Because I am trying to examine you!"
<­BR>
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:29:16 PM EDT
I got one but its too racist to post and isnt exactly a joke
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:29:37 PM EDT
What do you call a fly after you pull its wings off?
<­BR>


A walk!

Yuk yuk yuk!

Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:29:45 PM EDT
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they spot a young boy down the road.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Do you want to screw him?"
The rabbi replies, "Out of how much?"
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:32:28 PM EDT
whats yellow and red and looks great on hippies?
<­BR>



FIRE.

RDRR
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:33:05 PM EDT
Two fish are in a tank.

One says "I'll man the guns. You drive."

-------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way!

------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
------------------------------------------------

I dreamt about mufflers last night, I woke up exhausted.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Knock knock.
(Who's there?)
Not Heath Ledger... ever.
-------------------------------------------------------

Pirate walks into a pub and the barkeep says "Hey, cap'n! You've got the ships wheel stuck half way down your trousers!"

The pirate replied "Aarrrr. It's drivin' me nuts."
------------------------------------------------------------



Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:36:37 PM EDT
Obama.
<­BR>

That is all.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:38:08 PM EDT
Tell this to the chicks he wants to get rid of...

You: "Knock Knock".
Them : Who's there?
You : Interrupting Cow
Them Interrup---
You : MOO!
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:38:14 PM EDT
Two jokes for ya.

1. An Irishman walks out of a pup.


2. Two aliens land just south of Detroit real early on a Sunday morning, there's no one really around.  The closest thing to a lifeform they see is a gas pump, so they waddle up to it.  

One of the aliens says to the gas pump, "Take me to your leader, Earthling."

The gas pump does not respond.

The alien says a little louder, "Take me to your leader Earthling!"

The gas pump remains silent.

The alien looks at his buddy and says, "If this Earthling doesn't take me to its leader, I'm going to blast it."  And he pulls out his little ray gun.

His buddy says, "You go ahead and do that, I'll be on the corner over there waiting for you."

So the alien waits for his buddy to get to the corner, turns back to the gas pump and says, "Alright, Earthling, this is your last chance.  TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"

The gas pump does not respond, so the alien blasts it.  There's a huge explosion and the whole gas station goes up in flames.  The alien is thrown up in the air and land right next to his buddy on the corner.  

He gets up, dusts himself off and says, "How did you know what was going to happen?"
His buddy replies, "I didn't know WHAT was going to happen, but I am NOT messing with a guy whose dick goes clear to the ground, wraps around his body twice and is still long enough to stick in his ear."
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:40:03 PM EDT
Whats black and comes in little white cans?
­




Michael Jackson owns your page 2!
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:40:25 PM EDT
Oh, wait, I have some more.

What's red, black and white and can't go through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.



Why should you always wrap gerbils in duct tape?
­
<­BR>




So they don't explode, WHEN YOU FUCK THEM!
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:41:23 PM EDT

Quoted:
Tell this to the chicks he wants to get rid of...

You: "Knock Knock".
Them : Who's there?
You : Interrupting Cow
Them Interrup---
You : MOO!


It's a she..
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:42:28 PM EDT
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:43:01 PM EDT
What did Cinderella say when she got to the Ball?

<<<make gagging noises>>>
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:45:28 PM EDT
How do you know it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch?


When the big hand touches the little hand.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:50:57 PM EDT

Quoted:

Quoted:
What's your audience?  That'll make a difference in the type of joke they find funny.


Cops




Oh, sorry, we can't tell racist jokes here.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:54:09 PM EDT
St. Peter was at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.

He asked the next one in line, 'So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?'

The fellow said, 'I'm Barack Obama and I was the first black to be elected president of the United States .'

St. Peter said, 'The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?'

Obama said, 'About twenty minutes ago.'
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:54:14 PM EDT

Quoted:
From The Boondock Saints:


Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco: Uh, OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a spic, a white guy, and a black guy.
Yakavetta: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy...
Vincenzo Lipazzi: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right, he says to the nigger "What do you want?" and the nigger says, "I want all my nigger brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So... I'm not funny today, really, this joke sucks, I know...
Yakavetta: Continue the joke.
Rocco: Uh, so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."



Yeah, I first heard that joke from a Whittier, CA  cop in 1995
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 4:59:10 PM EDT
Which sex position makes the ugliest babies?


­
<­BR>




Go and ask your fucking mother!
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:02:22 PM EDT

Quoted:
St. Peter was at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.

He asked the next one in line, 'So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?'

The fellow said, 'I'm Barack Obama and I was the first black to be elected president of the United States .'

St. Peter said, 'The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?'

Obama said, 'About twenty minutes ago.'


good one
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:04:37 PM EDT

Quoted:
Q: What do you call a cow on the ground?

A: Ground beef!





Q: What do you call a cow having seizures?
­
A: Beef jerky!

Q: What do you call a cow jerking off?
<­BR>



A: Beef Stroganoff!  
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:08:05 PM EDT
Why dont american women wear panties to their weddings?
­
<­BR>


To keep the flies off the wedding cake
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:26:41 PM EDT
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven ate nine.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:31:40 PM EDT
Why do cops spray protesting hippies with a fire hose?




Because you have to wash them off before the dog will bite them.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:37:09 PM EDT
Two Jews walk into a bar....
T­hey own the place.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:37:54 PM EDT
Whats 12" long , has a purple head and drives women insane?


Crib Death
and I am so going to hell for even knowing that one
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:38:01 PM EDT
A baby seal walks into a bar.  The bartender says "What will you have."  The baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:40:50 PM EDT
Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?



The fridge dont fart when you take the meat out.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:41:05 PM EDT
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
<­BR>

One is made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with,
and the other one you can take home your groceries in.

Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:42:12 PM EDT
What's the difference between a Lesbian and an elephant?




40 pounds and a flannellette shirt.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:46:11 PM EDT
How do you know if you are in a feminist library?




There is no humour section.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:52:18 PM EDT
Your sexual performance.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:54:56 PM EDT
So a guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 5:59:29 PM EDT
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.






Hey, it actually happens. Sometimes.
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