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Posted: 1/11/2003 12:51:07 AM EST
For those of you without kids, here are some training tips for parenthood. For those of you that have kids, this is just to remind us why we chose not to have any more. THE MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on your sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Practice writing on the wall with a Hershey Bar Carefully load a sandwich into the VCR, see if it can record anything. Press EJECT when done. Find the tallest place in your home (vaulted ceilings are the best) and splash some tar-like substance in the corner. Wonder how anything could get there in the first place, without scaffolding. THE TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. THE GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you while you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. THE DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small, net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. THE FEEDING TEST Obtain a large, plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the jug's contents on the floor. THE NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more of your own and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful at all times! THE INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Item must be complete and perfect within 30-60 minutes! THE AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Bend antenna into fabulous W, since radio reception is much improved. There ..... perfect. THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove half of the beans. Leave it on for the rest of your life. THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Tell the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store's account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience, since it will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 1:04:28 AM EST
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 1:08:59 AM EST
Ain't it the truth! Thanks. [:D]
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 1:58:15 AM EST
wish i read that a year ago
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 4:18:16 AM EST
Originally Posted By SMV: wish i read that a year ago
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Ditto...
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 4:35:44 AM EST
I am soooooooooo ready. Every one of those brought a smile to my face. I'm going to be 37 this month......I think I have a biological clock and I think it kicked in last year. God I want some kids. All I need now is a woman who feels the same way I do.
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 7:15:47 AM EST
Thank you breeders for putting me here. I could never have kids now, even a couple days with my neicces and nephews drive me to distraction.
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 7:18:23 AM EST
[Last Edit: 1/11/2003 7:19:24 AM EST by SHIVAN]
Originally Posted By Sparsky: THE GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals [size=4][b][red](goats are best)[/b][/red][/size=4][rofl] and take them with you while you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
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Link Posted: 1/11/2003 7:26:40 AM EST
Originally Posted By bvmjethead: I am soooooooooo ready. Every one of those brought a smile to my face. I'm going to be 37 this month......I think I have a biological clock and I think it kicked in last year. God I want some kids. All I need now is a woman who feels the same way I do.
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Ditto. I'm 31 and the clock is tickin'! -T.
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 9:02:12 AM EST
[size=4]no kids for you come back, one year[/size=4]
Link Posted: 1/11/2003 9:22:53 AM EST
I have to let my wife read this!
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