Posted: 2/20/2001 2:26:56 AM EDT
Ok I can't sleep , so I guess I'll harass you
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
"Sounds like an animal "
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed:
"Up against the wall, slimeball!"
One More :)
"WINDERS2000", windows for southern people
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 SOUTHERN EDITION may have inadvertently been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The SOUTHERN EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS 2000 with background art of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag, plus a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
Please also note:
-The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse."
-My PC is called "This Dern Contraption."
-Dial up networking is called "Good Ol' Boys."
-Control panel is known as "The Dashboard."
-Hard drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive."
-Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs."
-Instead of an error message, a trash bag and roll of duct tape pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
-OK: ats aw-right
-Reset: try er agin
-Find: hunt fer it
-Go to: over yonder
-Back: back yonder
-Help: hep me out here
-Start: crank er up
-Programs: stuff at duz stuff
-Documents: stuff I done did
Note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
PROGRAMS EXCLUSIVE TO WINDERS 2000
-tiperiter: A word-processing program
-colerin book: a graphics program
-cyferin mersheen: calculator
-outhouse paper: notepad
-jupe-box: CD player
-iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 6.0
-pichers: a graphics viewer
-irs: MS accounting software
-irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files
-tax records: generally an empty file
-coon dawg: American Kennel Club records
You'll also recognize WINDERS 2000 SOUTHERN EDITION as it comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web:
-Fish: Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
-NRA: National Rifle Association
-Shotgun: Remington Arms home page
-Riffel: Winchester home page
-Pisstul: Smith & Wesson home page
-Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by ZIP code
-House: Mobile home repair services and movers by ZIP code
-Cuzzins: complete database of southern residents
-Bud: list of Budweiser distributors by ZIP code
-Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule w/TV stations carrying races
-Car 'n' Truck Repair: junkyards by ZIP code
-Doc: veterinarians by ZIP code
-Moosik: complete Garth Brooks discography in chronological order
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
( Ok I'm done now ) :rolleyes:
Back in the good ol' days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: A true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.
The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.
The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"