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Posted: 11/15/2002 11:09:38 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 11:16:30 AM EDT
well for me, like most things I grew up with, I'm rather attached sentimentally with the original trilogy. The new stuff, while neat in a FEW respects is mostly ass. You can thank a loony Lucas for that.....he's completely lost it and has never directed actors or written dialogue well at all. He and Speilberg are ruining their own movies in the name of political correctness (Greedo shooting first, FBI guys in E.T. carrying walkie talkies instead of guns) and it makes me want to smash them good. --ZERO
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 11:19:28 AM EDT
Originally Posted By MrZero: well for me, like most things I grew up with, I'm rather attached sentimentally with the original trilogy. The new stuff, while neat in a FEW respects is mostly ass. You can thank a loony Lucas for that.....he's completely lost it and has never directed actors or written dialogue well at all. He and Speilberg are ruining their own movies in the name of political correctness (Greedo shooting first, FBI guys in E.T. carrying walkie talkies instead of guns) and it makes me want to smash them good. --ZERO
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What he said.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 11:22:31 AM EDT
Ugh. The first two movies are bad and getting worse. Contrived, stiffly acted, thin plot, convenient occurences, nigh unbelievable love story. The second one lacked Ray Parks, making the saber fights even worse. And no, yoda doesn't count there....don't get me started on that.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 11:29:40 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/15/2002 11:30:38 AM EDT by CLP]
The originals are much better than the new. But even those were [i]passable[/i] stories that were carried by a great concept designs and unique visuals. The new stuff, while better visually, lacks a lot of the humor that made the originals great. The lack of a Han Solo - type character is noticeably detrimental. The terrible dialogue and ham-fisted political sentiment expressed in the new films doesn't help either. I often wince when I listen to Lucas' current characters talk. I don't want to, but I do. Empire is by far the best of the series.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 11:39:49 AM EDT
FBI guys carrying walkie talkies instead of guns in ET? Whats this about?
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 11:47:18 AM EDT
When Spielberg re-release ET (the worst POS of shit movie ever made, don't get me started) he used digital editing to change a cop's shotgun into a walkie-talkie so as to appeal to the "all guns are scary and bad" crowd who apparently buy most of the DVD copies of E fucking T. Did anyone see the South Park episode where they did a parody on this though? They had all the guns in Saving Private Ryan changed to walkie-talkies and when the troops hit the beach, they were immediately gunned down and were firing walkie-talkies at each other. LOL! Later in the episode, the security guards at Speilberg's house also pointed walkie-talkies like rifles and aimed them at the kids. Too funny.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 11:51:14 AM EDT
I still like the first two (Star Wars, and The Empire Strikes Back), but The Return of the Jedi is almost bad enough to make you want to open up a major artery rather than sit through that movie. Come on...let's see how many cute, cuddly and marketable creatures we can pack into this pile of trash. Ewoks? Hell, they're just hirsute, under-evolved Oompa Loompas. And I guarantee , had they been allied with the empire, the [b]real[/b] Oompa Loompas could have kicked some serious ass down on Endor. [:D]
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 12:06:37 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 12:06:58 PM EDT
[img]http://www.attackcartoons.com/airbrushet.GIF[/img]
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 12:09:04 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Yankee1911: I still like the first two (Star Wars, and The Empire Strikes Back), but The Return of the Jedi is almost bad enough to make you want to open up a major artery rather than sit through that movie.
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Not to mention all the innocent contractors who were killed by the guerilla forces while building the Death Star Mark II.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 12:12:29 PM EDT
Originally Posted By mojo: BTW, just rent 'Attack of the Clones' for 99 cents at Alberson. Heard it's also mediocre, but my kids say it's not too bad. So let's see.
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I'd sugest that everytime Padme and Anakin are on screen, you fast forward. The "love story" in this movie is one of the most laughable and irrelevant group of scenes I have ever seen in a movie. It adds NOTHING to the story and is so poorly written and acted that you'll want to stop watching the movie early on. That would be a shame, as the last 45 minutes or so has some awesome battle sequences including a nice decapitation. --ZERO
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 1:02:39 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 1:06:21 PM EDT
Originally Posted By ken_mays:
Originally Posted By Yankee1911: I still like the first two (Star Wars, and The Empire Strikes Back), but The Return of the Jedi is almost bad enough to make you want to open up a major artery rather than sit through that movie.
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Not to mention all the innocent contractors who were killed by the guerilla forces while building the Death Star Mark II.
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ROTFLMAO [:D] I'd forgotten about that. I hope it hasn't disappeared off the servers. Guess I'll have to pony up the cash for a membership ASAP so I can do a search. [:)]
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 1:14:06 PM EDT
The first two movies were great. Funny, good action, fair acting, decent plots. Adjusted for inflation, Star Wars is still the #2 movie of all time. The latest two movies have had entertaing effects, but that was all that was entertaining about them.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 1:28:56 PM EDT
What's this mention of Greedo shooting first? I heard it mentioned in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back(Ben Affleck: "Well, a Jay and Silent Bob movie would be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first..."), but what the hell are you talking about? What is it supposed to mean? I suppose I'll have to relinquish my geek membership card because of this, but I gotta know.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 1:36:17 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/15/2002 1:38:54 PM EDT by MrZero]
Originally Posted By deadman: What's this mention of Greedo shooting first? I heard it mentioned in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back(Ben Affleck: "Well, a Jay and Silent Bob movie would be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first..."), but what the hell are you talking about? What is it supposed to mean? I suppose I'll have to relinquish my geek membership card because of this, but I gotta know.
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In the "Special Edition" (read: raped) of Star Wars in which Lucas "enhanced" special effects and added deleted scenes, he digitally changed the cantina Han Solo\Greedo scene and made Greedo shoot first (and miss) so that Han Solo comes off as merely defending himself rather than gunning down the green bastard preemptively. It looks like ass in addition to it being an abomination. Han Solo goes from being an unsympathetic selfish survivor to a team player during the course of the movie, but somehow, Lucas thought wreck that whole character, probably for the sake of the children. Liberal ass. --ZERO
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 1:36:56 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 2:05:34 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 2:16:22 PM EDT
I totally agree with Return of the Jedi sucking putrid ass. The Emporer sends down a "legion of his best troops". Who then get slaughtered by furry midget aboriginees. If i had been the Imperial commander i would have stunned all of the rebels. Cuffed'em. Layed down suppressive fire from the AT-ST's into the sorrounding woods and set up a perimiter defense around the Bunker. While organizing patrols into the woods to remove the furry threat. But i guess if this had happened, then the poorly written RotJ would have ended sooner and Palpatine would still be Emporer. Lt. Lib
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 2:32:28 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Libertoon: I totally agree with Return of the Jedi sucking putrid ass. The Emporer sends down a "legion of his best troops". Who then get slaughtered by furry midget aboriginees. If i had been the Imperial commander i would have stunned all of the rebels. Cuffed'em. Layed down suppressive fire from the AT-ST's into the sorrounding woods and set up a perimiter defense around the Bunker. While organizing patrols into the woods to remove the furry threat. But i guess if this had happened, then the poorly written RotJ would have ended sooner and Palpatine would still be Emporer. Lt. Lib
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Thats all good and sound here in the real world. But why ruin the Empires plan to run off chaotically, after a bunch of furry rock throwing, log rolling teddy bears? All the while leaving the rebels at the bunker they want to blow up and make the Emperor aka the guy who signs their paychecks, wide open to the rebel fleet that is spanking his star destroyer's every color of the rainbow despite the fact they've been closed in a cleverly thought out and executed clap trap?
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 3:02:39 PM EDT
By the way, I put on "We were Soldiers" one night and my mother was visiting. She was ready for bed. I ask her to give it 10 minutes. The movie was just at the point they went in country. Her eyes were like golf balls at the end of the movie. is this an indicator?
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[i]We Were Soldiers[/i] is a fantastic film. I've lent my DVD to a bunch of people, none of whom returned it without a "Holy Crap, I can't believe they did that" - type of comment. Very intense.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 3:09:22 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 4:03:01 PM EDT
Why does each and every Star Wars movie have a bottomless pit in it? The first had that pit that Luke and Leia had to swing across. The second had the ductwork that Luke jumps into to escape the ugly truth about himself. The third had two--the Sarlacc Pit and the thing that Vader tosses the emperor into. The fourth (I know--first. Whatever) had the big pit in the end that Darth Maul falls down. The last one is kind of a stretch--the high altitude of Coruscant that the action in the beginning takes place in. You have to wonder who is going around in the Star Wars galaxy building all these bottomless pits that serve no other funtion than to fall into. Can't Lucas come up with some other way of inducing suspense?
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 4:08:07 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/15/2002 4:09:34 PM EDT by Northern_Winter]
The best part of the films are the un-cut bloopers. Like the one in ANH ( A New Hope ) when the stormtroopers have just busted into the room C3PO and R2D2 are hiding in in the first death star. When the C3PO tells them that they're ( Luke, Ben, Han, Chewie ) trying to break out the princess, and the troopers leave the room, the last one on the right smashes his helmet hard on the door frame, nearly tearing it off. He finishes the scene ( a few seconds ) with it half twisted and pulled up. It was freakin' hillarious the first time I saw it. - Nw -
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 6:14:55 PM EDT
Since nobody but Yankee1911 seemed to catch what KenMays said. Short scene from the movie Clerks. This is from the screenplay. RANDAL Something just never sat right with me the second time they destroyed it. I could never put my finger on it-something just wasn't right. DANTE And you figured it out? RANDAL Well, the thing is, the first Death Star was manned by the Imperial army-storm troopers, dignitaries- the only people onboard were Imperials. DANTE Basically. RANDAL So when they blew it up, no prob. Evil is punished. DANTE And the second time around...? 49. RANDAL The second time around, it wasn't even finished yet. They were still under construction. DANTE So? RANDAL A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers. DANTE Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at. RANDAL Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms. DANTE All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction? RANDAL All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed- casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. (notices Dante's confusion) All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia-this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. (MORE) 50. RANDAL (CONT'D) You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living. The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them. BLUE-COLLAR MAN Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt, but what were you talking about? RANDAL The ending of Return of the Jedi. DANTE My friend is trying to convince me that any contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when the space station was destroyed by the rebels. BLUE-COLLAR MAN Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer... (digs into pocket and produces business card) Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements. And speaking as a roofer, I can say that a roofer's personal politics come heavily into play when choosing jobs. RANDAL Like when? BLUE-COLLAR MAN Three months ago I was offered a job up in the hills. A beautiful house with tons of property. It was a simple reshingling job, but I was told that if it was finished within a day, my price would be doubled. Then I realized whose house it was. DANTE Whose house was it? BLUE-COLLAR MAN Dominick Bambino's. RANDAL "Babyface" Bambino? The gangster? BLUE-COLLAR MAN The same. The money was right, but the risk was too big. I knew who he was, and based on that, I passed the job on to a friend of mine. DANTE Based on personal politics. BLUE-COLLAR MAN Right. And that week, the Foresci family put a hit on Babyface's house. My friend was shot and killed. He wasn't even finished shingling. RANDAL No way! BLUE-COLLAR MAN (paying for coffee) I'm alive because I knew there were risks involved taking on that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. (pauses to reflect) You know, any contractor willing to work on that Death Star knew the risks. If they were killed, it was their own fault. A roofer listens to this... (taps his heart) not his wallet.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 6:32:57 PM EDT
I'm watching it for the 3rd time in two days, twice tonight. Ok, I'm simple, I like it(clones). It ties the others together. Light saber scenes aren't so smooth as #1, but I kinda of like the raw fight look. It seemed to rehersed and dance like in #1. Bad plot? Who are the bad buys in clones? Clone army, or Droids? Both controlled by the dark side. Jedi caught in the middle. My son 8 is still trying to figure out who to cheer for. Very interesting. Ya, yoda fighting is kinda funny, my 3yr old laughed all the way through that part. Good battle scenes. Darth Vader starting to "appear". I like that. This one is as good as Empire strikes back. Watch it again.
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 9:32:18 PM EDT
Originally Posted By guns762: This one is as good as Empire strikes back.
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I disagree!
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 9:36:03 PM EDT
I agree with the new ones not having the same feel as the old ones. Something about them just doesn't feel right. The first trilogy didn't have the highest production values, but it had a charm and wit that seems almost toally absent in the prequels..
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 10:35:08 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/15/2002 10:36:17 PM EDT by magnum_99]
Originally Posted By iamblades: I agree with the new ones not having the same feel as the old ones. Something about them just doesn't feel right. The first trilogy didn't have the highest production values, but it had a charm and wit that seems almost toally absent in the prequels..
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Precisely. You could see it starting in ROTJ. Example: the funky sideburns in ANH. And the "primitive" effects (for the time they were cutting edge but now are "outdated") of ANH and Empire to me look BETTER than the all digital ones of the new films. The look is too clean, washed out and pastel in tone. (remember the battle droids in TFM? They looked like conch shells for pete's sake!) Those models in the old films were painted with real paint; the patina and hue of which just cannot (yet) be 100% duplicated with digital effects. Clones is FAR superior in this respect to The Phantom Menace, but the orginals with matte paintings and the like, still are more pleasing to my eye. And yes, the new films lack any humor as well as the brashness of Han and Luke. Just think back to scenes such as the Cantina, and when Han and Luke take "prisoner" Chewy to the cell block, or old Ben with sayings such as "Mos Eisley space port. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany. We must be cautious." That is freaking priceless! Haven't heard one memorable line yet in the new films. It's too bad. Lucas has ruined the franchise of all film franshises.
Link Posted: 11/16/2002 10:23:23 AM EDT
The [i]Attack of the Clones[/i] DVD arrived Friday along with the much better [i]Spiderman[/i] DVD. Major problems with the new trilogy: All of the child actors are awful. The novels are awful. Anakin is portrayed as a whiny brat, probably modeled on something from a teen drama. Portman seems to be sleeping and shows no intensity or chemistry with other cast members. The politics of the Republic make no sense. The Empire at least has a coherent, albeit [b]Evil[/b] structure. Jar Jar Binks![puke] Hopefully the 3rd Episode will redeem Lucas, but I am not holding my breath.
Link Posted: 11/16/2002 11:09:29 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/16/2002 11:41:54 AM EDT
Planning on renting Episode 2 and Spiderman tonight... We'll just have to see.... Now, of all the people who have posted, or are thinking about posting, let's poll.... Who saw Episode IV when it first came out? I mean the FIRST release of it, before it actually said Episode IV A Hew Hope?? I did, in Brandon Florida, at age 9.
Link Posted: 11/16/2002 11:58:55 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/16/2002 11:59:47 AM EDT by CSUSB_Coyote]
/geek mode on/ Could someone please explain something to me...how did the Rebellion win the Battle of Endor in space? The Imperial Fleet would not have rolled over a played dead. The Rebellion is a bunch of terrorist and would have been exterminated accordingly even after the death of the Emperor. There must have been 50 Star Destroyers in orbit vs the rebel fleet. BTW, long live the Empire!!! /geek mode off/
Link Posted: 11/16/2002 12:01:42 PM EDT
The orginals I consider classic, especialy ESB, not suprisingly, it's the only one Lucas *didn't* direct. The new ones are getting campy. The whole appealing to kids is making it rather ridiculous. Not that's a bad aim, but you could have done it in a far better fashion - just look at any of the recent animated films (Toy Story I/II, Shrek) which were completely watcheable by adults without a barf bag. I could take Clone wars only because of the hype and the fac that it was Star Wars(yes, the hype again). C'mon. Tell me you didn't want to rectch when you saw the ads for the DVD: "Who Da man? "Yoda da man!" Tells you who the target audience is. [puke][puke][puke][puke][puke][puke][puke] [puke][puke][puke][puke][puke][puke][puke] [puke][puke][puke][puke][puke][puke][puke]
Link Posted: 11/16/2002 12:14:09 PM EDT
Originally Posted By WWoodworth: Who saw Episode IV when it first came out? I mean the FIRST release of it, before it actually said Episode IV A Hew Hope?? I did, in Brandon Florida, at age 9.
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Ummm, I went and saw it twice on opening day. It said Episode IV: A New Hope both times. Did you see a pre-release?
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 7:41:31 AM EDT
I remember seeing it when I was a kid. I was 8 years old. If it wasn't for that movie, I would have saved hundreds of dollars that got spent on Star Wars toys. Mostly action figures and vehicles that fell victim to the dreaded Crossman pump BB gun. Chris
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 8:19:29 AM EDT
Originally Posted By iamblades: I agree with the new ones not having the same feel as the old ones. Something about them just doesn't feel right. The first trilogy didn't have the highest production values, but it had a charm and wit that seems almost toally absent in the prequels..
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The biggest defect in the new series is that Han Solo is not in them. Most of the charm and wit in Star Wars was his.
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 8:33:12 AM EDT
[b]This whole thread is blasphemy! Blasphemy I say! I demand that this thread be locked due to the blatant racism expressed towards other beings of different genetic makeup portrayed in all StarWars movies.[/b]
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 8:40:17 AM EDT
Originally Posted By BlackDog714:
Originally Posted By WWoodworth: Who saw Episode IV when it first came out? I mean the FIRST release of it, before it actually said Episode IV A Hew Hope?? I did, in Brandon Florida, at age 9.
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Ummm, I went and saw it twice on opening day. It said Episode IV: A New Hope both times. Did you see a pre-release?
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Episode IV of Star Wars has always been called "A New Hope". Lucas said from the beginning that the first three movies released were the middle trilogy of a nine-part series. (The last trilogy seems to have been cancelled now, since the after-market books cover many of the things he wanted to do to tie up the series.) Hint: If watching "Attack of the Clones" on DVD, start at Chapter 41. Gets you right into the big action, when Mace and the other Jedi come to the rescue of the troubled trio..... Scott
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 1:22:11 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 1:51:46 PM EDT
Originally Posted By mojo: BTW, I wonder what the next episode going to be like. I probably wait and rent it when it releases to video.
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Let's see... The little hirsute oompa loompas are safe on Endor, and most reasonable people would kill Jar Jar Binks on sight (along with his cousin, that damn Geico insurance talking gecko)... I'm guessing that Lucas will pull out all the stops this time and introduce a new character that bears a striking resemblance to the Taco Bell chihuahua. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next semi-marketable Star Wars character...Yoda's nephew, "Vato Loco". [img]http://www.dfn.com/rhumane/dogs/Chigger.jpg[/img]
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 1:56:52 PM EDT
I watched it 4 times this weekend with my kids. I was 7 when the New hope came out. I still have all the figures thanks to my mom(she won't give them back!). My boys have all the stuff I couln't have; Han's MF, acutally one for each boy. I know the acting is not the best, and the writing could be better, but if you go back the acting and writing in the first three aren't that good either. It's the story that gets me. Clones brings it all together. It answers nagging questions from the first trilogy. I agree that Anikan is a winey little shit in clones, but what teenager isn't? I deal with 100 a day, and most are just like that, especially some of the more talented ones. Does it annoy me in the movie, yes, but aren't we supposed to start to hate "Darth"? Could it have been done better? probably. I also like how all the guns and ships start to look like the stuff in the original movies. I didn't like PM because of all the too sleek stuff. It didn't seem boxy enough to be starwars. Now, stuff is starting to look more "origianl" The music is finally back. I hated the music in PM. It wasn't starwars enough. Now we start to hear the "heroic" sounds and "evil" tunes when we see charachters, just like in the originals. I especially like when Anikan goes out to get his mother. Nice little Empire march in the bachground. Sent chills up my spine! I still like it! Say what you will, but it works for a die-hard fan like me.
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 2:03:48 PM EDT
I'm glad it's not just me. The acting in the new ones is STIFF to say the least.I also have a hard time trying to keep up with who the bad guy's and good guys are. There's no soul in these movies, I don't care about the characters. I would have loved to have seen Anakin take out those Tuskin raiders. Long live the Empire!
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 2:21:02 PM EDT
I saw it in the theaters the first time as well, when I was 13. IV and V were still the best. VI remains the worst, imo and I and II are ok. /shrug
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 2:31:26 PM EDT
Episodes 1 and 2 are getting too preachy. About what? POLITICS. (Relating to current day politics...) There is a charictar named NUTE GUNRAY (A play on Newt Gingrich and Ronald Reagan). The underlying theme of both movies is rancor in the senate. Nothing gets done. Gridlock. PLUS,... there is something EVIL in there! Lucas is a bleeding heart liberal. Off to the sarlac pit with him!
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 2:55:56 PM EDT
Ok... I'm not sure if this circulated around ar15.com yet, but if you haven't seen it: [url]http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/video/tv/nerds.html[/url] This was better than the movie itself (phantom menace). It's triumph the insult dog visiting the star wars nerds on opening day.
Link Posted: 11/18/2002 5:03:27 PM EDT
The legend and mythology that precedes episodes 4,5 and 6 probably cannot be done justice, regardless who writes or directs it. Backstory was a mere afterthought. It allows for too much imagination. The biggest problem I think Lucas has is compiling things we have seen in bits and peices and creating the backstory while trying to make each movie stand alone as well as fit into the series. We're spoiled by our own imaginations. As for ATOC, showing how the collapse of the old republic would bring forth the empire is the only thing really going well in the new films. The character development seems a bit too stiff, and the gaps in time between stories makes it hard to become involved with the main characters.
Link Posted: 11/19/2002 3:32:05 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/19/2002 3:33:52 AM EDT by ProfessorEvil]
"Story" in Ep. 2? Yeah, there's lots of that. jumbled in there somewhere. Padme/Amidala/Whoeverthefucksheisinthsiscene: "Oh look! I'm a senator! and I'm cute! Somone's after me! Help me oh great jedi!" (jedi enter stage left) Obi:"Why hello! didn't we meet 10 years ago when you fell in love with my far more adorable sidekick, Gomer, er, Anakin? Look! he's now a smart ass teenager!" (cut to bounty hunters) Jango:"Look, why can't you just blow up everything next time and be sure?" Hot Chick BH:"Cuz then there'd be no more movie, and lucas wouldn't get any richer." Jango:"Duh. ok. instead use these inane and really harmless millipedes to try and scare the main talent." (HCBH fondles droid, sending off to do evil things) (cut to jedi, "rescuing" Padme from poor, harmless, millipedes looking for a new mommy) Obi:"I'm going to jump out the window. Please don't do anything rash while I'm gone." Anakin:"Hey, look! I can drive a speeder!! Do you think they'll care that my license is suspended?" (zips off in speeder) (cut to long, pointless, bogus chase scene that makes little sense and drags on) Anakin(hanging on HCBH ship):"Damn i'm cool." (HCBH Crashes, conveniently, into a bar) Obi:"You go look for her, I'll manipulate the little people and drink. Remember, do as I say, not as I do." Anakin:"Ok!" (Obi flips out and chops a limb!) ANakin(to crowd):"Look, you're not Law Enforce, er, Jedi, like us, so go back to your lives and ignore any gross injustices we perpetrate on this Hot Chick Bounty Huntress!" HCBH:"Acckk....thhppbbbpttt...." (dies) Obi:"Look, somehow our excellent Jedi senses failed to realize that someone might try and stop us from doing anything remotely intelligent. Let me take that dart and you can take her from behind in the speeder. " Anakin:"But I want Padme! I've made a mountain of callouses thinking about her! My hormones are running rampant!" (Jedi go to Jedi place) Yoda:"Smack you down I will!" Mace:"I'm a bad Mutha Fucka!" Obi:"Yeah well, I'm off to scope out some aliens! Party on and don't do anything I wouldn't do." Anakin:"I get to go out overnight without a chaperone? Rock on!" Yoda:"Speak Funny i do!" Mace:"I'm a bad Mutha Fucka!" (Padme and Anakin get on the Love boat, er, the LoveShip.) Padme:"Wow, it's so fun to hang out with Jedi. Is that your lightsaber?" Anakin(seeming to manipulate his lightsaber to pitch a tent):"Huuuuuhhhhh....uhhhh..........hhhhhuuuuu......" (R2 shocks him with his probe arm) "Oh, yes it is! Did I mention I'm an arrogant, pompous ass?" Padme:"Oooohhh, and so sexy you beast! Your mix of Mad at your Dad bad boy and mature cool Jedi is making my funky future clothes damp with anticipation!" (cut to Obi, visiting some planet designed to make ILM work overtime on effects) Alien Chick with Long Neck:"Hi, we're expecting you. Don't mind that we have no idea who you are, or that you didn't call ahead." Obi:"Um, ok, i'll play along. Is this like charades?" (ACwLN takes him to Alien Guy who's in Charge) AGwiC:"Welcome! We're making StormTroopers! Wanna see?" Obi:"Cool, sure!" (looks at neat ILM work with one poor dude's face, who's never going to be seen again) Obi:"Wow, they all look alike!" AGwiC:"Well that's cuz they all come from the guy you're looking for, this bounty hunter we keep locked up here, but will let out on occasion to spread his ill will across the galaxy at the most inoportune time!" Obi:"Excellent! Can I take him with me?" (Obi and ACwLN meet Jango and Boba) Obi:"Hi, I'm looking for you. Would you just outright admit to trying to kill the hot chick my apprentice wants to bang?" Jango:"Man I'm so dumb I can't speak english right to my kid! But that's ok, I'm making some fat Bling BLing on this gig." (cut to rainy platform with ship) Obi:"Um, like, my boss wants to talk to you..." Jango:"Tell him to kiss my Cloned ass!" (silly battle ensues, with Obi ignoring half his jedi powers and getting dragged around) Jango(in ship):"Sweet, I kick ass. Especially Jedi Ass." (cut to Naboo, where ANakin and Padme are trying to figure out the birds and the bees) Anakin:"Dictators are cool. I want to be one when I grow up." Padme:"Moron, we have a Republic of sorts. Ignore that there's far too few senators for the number of planets we think we have, no army, no police, no nothing. But we have a republic I tell you!" Anakin:"Can I lick your tits? Er, um, uh, I mean, I really like you and stuff, can we go out sometime?" Padme:"Oh yes, I think I'm getting hotflashes wearing these clothes that look like they are from a bondage catalog!" (Cut to Obi, chasing down Jango) Obi:"Hm, think he'll notice that I've just about shoved my ship up his ship's exhaust here? No wonder I hate flying, I can't do it for Sh!t!" Jango(to boba):"Wow, he's a persistent moron! Let's kill him!" (cool sound effects are used in the chase sequence. Stuff blows up. No limbs are lost) Obi:"Hm, they're morons. If I drop a part or two, and hide on this rock they'll miss me and go about their business!" Jango:"well, he's gone. Ignore the transponder on our hull, I'm sure no one will follow us now." (Cut to naboo, again) Anakin(meditating on Padme's Boobies):"Were it not for my mommy and lack of daddy, i'd be a normal, well-adjusted Jedi now!" Padme:"Why don't we stop by for a visit? I'm sure she'll love it. Ignore the fact that we're not supposed to do anything that could be considered remotely dangerous, but we're young and hormonal, and your skinny little ass is making me feel all warm and womanly. Look, I'll even change into this white top that will show off my nippies!" Anakin(lightsaber is making a tent agian):"Booya!"
Link Posted: 11/19/2002 3:34:31 AM EDT
(cut to Obi on another alien planet) Obi:"Hm, looks like i've found out the entire secret plan just by sneaking around. Do these people know about radar, or are they just baiting me into a trap? No matter, I'll just tell my boss at the old folks home what's up." (obi fiddles with his radio) (cut to Tattooine) Anakin:"I'm sure nothing's changed since I left, let's go check out my old job and gloat!" Padme:"Ok!" Watto:"That bitch? I sold her...she's got alot of miles, plus, with a mouth like that my ears hurt after a couple hours....oh...your mom...oh yeah...gone with the wind, someone bought her, just to free her and marry her. Sounds like a convenient plot point to try and just skip this slow ass story along, huh?" Anakin"Yeah...right. Cool." (cut to Luke's place, er, the Beru and Owen house) Lars:"Hi, i'm a homely looking guy. And this is my homely looking gal. And we're hick farmers!" Padme:"Er...hi? Do you have a bedroom? We need to strip our clothes off and hump." Lars:"Yeah, that bitch ran off with the sand people. Ran over my leg with the speeder, too, on her way out!" Anakin:"I'll just run off against what is made out to be overwhelming odds to try and retrieve her!" (hops on speeder bike and takes off to Sand People's place) Anakin:"Wow, mom, didn't know you were into the whole bondage trip. I'll have to try that with my new babe, who I'm not allowed to be involved with. Oh, did I mention I'm almost a jedi? Wow, you look terrible, are you ok?" Shmee(yes, that's her name):"AAAcccckkkk.....tthhhppbbbtttt" (She dies) Anakin:"Wow, this is deep. I'm going to experience a range of emotions about this that, at 20 years old, I should be able to handle better, but, since I'm a cocky young moron, with more hormones and metachlorines than yoda, mace, and obi had combined, I'll flip out and chop heads!" (back at Luke's place) Anakin:"Man I'm a pimp! I killed like 50 or so sand people!! And their ho's!" Padme:"I realize that what you did was terribly wrong, but since we're both letting hormones cloud the issue, I'll let it go. Did I mention I have headlights?" (R2 cuts the funeral short) R2:"Beep! Bloop! Whistle!" C3PO:"Hey, didn't we work together before?" R2(moving as fast as he can away from C3po) (Anakin and Padme do more silly stuff, after gettin Obi's message, and fly off to try and save him. Does it seem that they can't listen to common sense or is it just me?) Anakin:"Let's go down here! should be a nice, safe place for us to go. Padme:"Ok!" (they proceed into another lame action sequence in a factory. Anakin, of course, can't keep his dick in his pan..,er, his lightsaber with him) Anakin:"Ooops, we're caught. Guess this rescue wasn't such a good idea after all. I might die a virgin!" Padme:"No! Maybe we can get a quickie in here in this massive stadium we're being wheeled into? Wait..that's Obi1, never mind." Obi(chained to a post):"Um....weren't you supposed to wait and not do stupid things?" Anakin:"Yeah, well, you know...I did as you did, not as you say. Sorry. I'll try and ignore you more in the future." (strange animals are lead in to eat the three. Padme shows the most brains, and manages to pick her cuffs.) Anakin:"Um. Gosh I wish I had my lightsaber." Obi:"You talk to much. Watch me torment my creature into killing a few guards! Whoohoo!!!" Padme:"Can you two stop screwing around and like rescue me? I'm showing such pencil erasers that if I showed anymore this movie would be PG-13!" (Jedi and Padme manage to prevent the animals from killing them, meanwhile, Sauruman, er, Count Dooko, Jango, and that guy from Ep. 1 are approached by Mace) Mace:"I'm a bad mutha fucka!" Sauruman, er, Dooko:"Not you! crap, this was going so well, and here the Bad Guy's manual told me we'd get out of this movie before any good guys would show up." Mace:"I'm a bad mutha fucka!" (Jeid magically appear throughout stadium, causing huge battle to start taking place) Anonymous Ensign to be killed later..er, wait...that's star trek. Some Jedi:"Gosh, those robots are mean! And they're shooting at us like they want to inflict harm! maybe we should fight back." Mace:"I'm a bad mutha fucka!" Anakin:"I look good with a lightsaber! They should make me Chief Jeid Pimp." Obi:"Hm...if mace is here and we're still getting our butts kicked, that can mean only one thing...." Padme:"He's so dreamy!! If he can do that with a lightsaber, imagine what he can do with his lightsaber!!!!!!" (Robots close in on jedi, who have somehow managed to get into position for duck duck goose) Sauruman, er, Dooko:"Surrender! or I shall be forced to taunt you again!" Mace:"I'm a bad mutha fucka!" (robots are about to do much evil, but wait! look! Who would have ever guessed that the short green guy with the speech impediment would show up again in this film?) Yoda:"Speak funny I do!" Mace:"I'm a bad mutha fucka!" Obi:"Let's boogie. I want to get home in time to gel my hair!" Anakin:"Can I act dumb again in this episode, or do I have to wait 2 more years? Padme:"I wonder if there's a cabin in back of these things?" (StormTroopers land and start handing out 40oz of whup ass on the droid army) Obi:"Look! it's Sauruman! He's getting away!" Anakin:"Who? Oh, Dooko. Let's get him! Cuz it's not like we forgot to blockade the planet right? Right?" (yet ANOTHER, thankfully brief, chase scene) Sauruman, er, Dooko:"So, you're still here. I guess I'll have to bust out the bitchslap of doom on ya." Obi:"We can take him. If you just circle tha--" Anakin:"Damn it, you're stealing my screen time! I'll deliver an ass whupping of Jedi Proporitions!" (Sauruman, er, Dooko, blithely dispatches Anakin with a blast of electricity. Obi and Sauruman have a so-so lightsaber fight. Was Lucas to cheap to hire ray parks back to choreograph these fights? ) Obi:"Oh, you're far to much Sith for me. I'll take a seat on the bench. Make it look good, so no one susopects me for the wussy I am!" Sauruman, er, Dooko:"Ok!" (smack Obi gently on the arm with his lightsaber) Anakin, waking up:"What! That wasn't fair. Let me try again!" (grabs Obi's lightsaber) "Woot! I'm pimp! I can do two sabers at once!" Sauruman, er, Dooko:"Boy, you might be mentally retarded!" (Dooko flips out and chops limb, in this case, anakin's arm) (Yoda enters!) Yoda:"Speak funny I do!" Sauruman:"Whatever. At least I was in a James Bond flick!" (Yoda and Sauruman have a bit of a jedi fight to prove who's got a bigger lightsaber) Sauruman, er, Dooko:"Well, that didn't do anything but demonstrate that we both can look good doing Blue Screen. Let's get it on!" (Yoda swallows 16 no-doz capsules and 4 100mg viagra tablets) Yoda:"WWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA­AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOO­OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO­O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (flips out and defys the laws of gravity, momentum, and fashion, flying around the room like a green super ball mating with a glow stick) Dooko:"Damn, kermit, that's way too much for me! I'm outta here!" (cut to Coruscant) Yoda:"Speak funny I do!" Mace:"I'm a bad mutha fucka!" Obi:"Do you think we should have given Anakin the keys to the speeder?" (Cut to Naboo) Priest(to anakin):Do you? (anakin nods) Priest(to padme):Do you? (Padme moans and nods) Priest:"You may kiss the bride! and anything else, once I'm outta sight." (anakin reaches for padme, so as to show the denser half of the audience how this is going to parallel Empire, since his right hand looks like a bizzare sexual torture device now) The end. Till George gets another barrel of monkeys and a truckload of typerwriters for them.
Link Posted: 11/19/2002 3:51:10 AM EDT
Originally Posted By blackmanta: Why does each and every Star Wars movie have a bottomless pit in it? The first had that pit that Luke and Leia had to swing across. The second had the ductwork that Luke jumps into to escape the ugly truth about himself. The third had two--the Sarlacc Pit and the thing that Vader tosses the emperor into. The fourth (I know--first. Whatever) had the big pit in the end that Darth Maul falls down. The last one is kind of a stretch--the high altitude of Coruscant that the action in the beginning takes place in. You have to wonder who is going around in the Star Wars galaxy building all these bottomless pits that serve no other funtion than to fall into.
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DITTO!!! I mean you would think with all that technology and Jedi wisdom that these people could construct a few hand-rails or fences or put up a few "DANGER - KEEP OUT" signs around.
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