Email I just got from a customer, I'm sure it's going around, so hope it's not a dupe.
"New Rules for 2006"
1. Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn.
2. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to
contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand,
Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
3. Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
4. If you shave, but you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.
When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.
5. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
6. There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.
7. Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will
be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
8. The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you're really big asshole.
9. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. The tattoo is right above the crack of your ass, for God's
sake. It translates to "broccoli with beef". The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God that you weren't pregnant. You were not
spiritual when you got the tattoo-you were high.
11. Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching athletes at a poker table wasn't exciting enough. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh, wait. They're already doing that. It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."
12. I don't need a mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.
13. If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place: the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.
14. No more gift registries. They used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version of looting.
15. This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip
up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
16. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27
months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese.