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11/22/2017 10:05:29 PM
Posted: 10/8/2004 6:56:47 AM EST
I'm having a crappy day. Just spent a bunch of money to replace my wife's car. I won't have any fun money for a long time. My weekends are booked for the next 6 weeks. So, I won't be shooting or fishing for a while. My 10 minute meeting at work is going on 2 hours now.

Help a fellow team member out. I need some GOOD JOKES!
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 7:00:32 AM EST
Drunk guy gets pulled over by female cop. She arrests him and says, "You're under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

Drunk says, "Nice boobs."
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 7:00:39 AM EST
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 7:03:32 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/8/2004 7:04:40 AM EST by NewbHunter]
Ok, this one is a joke that we Packer fans love to tell to Viking fans, but you can change the names to whatever two teams you want.

So, there's this school that is having a show and tell day in which the kids are supposed to tell about what their dad does for work. Every kid is getting up and bragging about their dad and how great he is, how much money he makes, how strong he is, etc. Finally, one little boy gets up and the teacher asks him what his dad does for a living. The boy looks sheepishly around and hesitates for a moment. The teacher encourages him and tells him that nobody will make fun of him for what his dad does. So, the kid says, "Well, ok here goes." He goes on to explain that his dad is a fluffer for gay porn.

The teacher looks on in shock, as well as the rest of the class and then she says,"Does your daddy really work in the porn industry?"

After agian looking sheepishly around the classroom the boy drops his head and says,"No, I'm sorry, my daddy isn't a fluffer for gay porn. I was just too embarassed to say that he plays for the Minnesota Vikings."

Link Posted: 10/8/2004 11:48:13 AM EST

Originally Posted By NewbHunter:
Ok, this one is a joke that we Packer fans love to tell to Viking fans, but you can change the names to whatever two teams you want.

So, there's this school that is having a show and tell day in which the kids are supposed to tell about what their dad does for work. Every kid is getting up and bragging about their dad and how great he is, how much money he makes, how strong he is, etc. Finally, one little boy gets up and the teacher asks him what his dad does for a living. The boy looks sheepishly around and hesitates for a moment. The teacher encourages him and tells him that nobody will make fun of him for what his dad does. So, the kid says, "Well, ok here goes." He goes on to explain that his dad is a fluffer for gay porn.

The teacher looks on in shock, as well as the rest of the class and then she says,"Does your daddy really work in the porn industry?"

After agian looking sheepishly around the classroom the boy drops his head and says,"No, I'm sorry, my daddy isn't a fluffer for gay porn. I was just too embarassed to say that he plays for the Minnesota Vikings."




Link Posted: 10/8/2004 11:49:51 AM EST
Go look in a mirror........
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 11:51:06 AM EST
what do you call a gay guys balls?

mudflaps.
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 11:53:17 AM EST
This will definitely cheer you up:

Best Online Hunting Game!
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 11:57:12 AM EST
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this, that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Coors Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Bans and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied..."I am, and that's why she cuts the grass."
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 11:57:37 AM EST
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 11:58:22 AM EST

Originally Posted By Princeton:
This will definitely cheer you up:

Best Online Hunting Game!



HAHAHAHA...if you turn off the music and have him do the buns workout, he farts occasionally.
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 11:59:00 AM EST
It could be worse. You could be getting a briefing from your platoon leader telling you that your going into and recapturing a city in Iraq that's being held by the extreemists.

Count your blessings.
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:05:56 PM EST
Somebody make me laugh!



Michael Moore died.

Did that work?
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:17:22 PM EST
A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the attendant, "have you got any grapes?"

The attendant replies, "No. This is a hardware store. We don't have any grapes."

The duck shrugs his shoulders and walks out.

The following day the duck walks back into the same hardware store. "You got any grapes?"

The attendant looks at the duck and shouts, "I told you yesterday that we don't have any grapes, now get out of my store!"

The next day the duck walks back into the hardware store and quacks, "You got any grapes?"

The attendant looks at the duck in disbelief and screams. "Look I have told you three times now that we don't have any grapes. If you come in here again asking for grapes then I am going to nail your flat webbed feet to the floor, you got it?! Now get out of my store!"

Next day the duck walks back into the store, "You got any nails?"

The attendant, surprised, says, "No, we're all out of nails."

"Good", says the duck. "You got any grapes?"
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:19:03 PM EST

Originally Posted By Hellboy:
Somebody make me laugh!



Michael Moore died.

Did that work?



work for me, is it true
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:20:17 PM EST
I only wish.
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:21:34 PM EST

Originally Posted By AW-101:
A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the attendant, "have you got any grapes?"

The attendant replies, "No. This is a hardware store. We don't have any grapes."

The duck shrugs his shoulders and walks out.

The following day the duck walks back into the same hardware store. "You got any grapes?"

The attendant looks at the duck and shouts, "I told you yesterday that we don't have any grapes, now get out of my store!"

The next day the duck walks back into the hardware store and quacks, "You got any grapes?"

The attendant looks at the duck in disbelief and screams. "Look I have told you three times now that we don't have any grapes. If you come in here again asking for grapes then I am going to nail your flat webbed feet to the floor, you got it?! Now get out of my store!"

Next day the duck walks back into the store, "You got any nails?"

The attendant, surprised, says, "No, we're all out of nails."

"Good", says the duck. "You got any grapes?"



It's not grapes, it's 'duck food', and that joke brings back one of my best 'you had to be there' memories from college...........
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:26:32 PM EST
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:29:59 PM EST
A father and daughter are having a conversation on the phone about the upcoming election. The daughter is a staunch democrat as most people her age are. She tells her father that she cannot see how anyone of good education can possibly vote for a republican. The two get into a heated argument on the matter when suddenly the father changes the subject.

He asks his daughter how she's doing at college. She responds "Well Dad, things are going well with school, I just wish I had time for a few more friends." The father asked her to elaborate on the subject and she says "I don't have much time to hang out on campus due to the amount of time I spend studying. I also spend alot of time at the part-time job you insisted I keep while at school. But, I have maintained my 4.0 GPA and I do have money in my pocket, so that's okay"

The father says "Well, I'm glad to hear things are going well for you. What about your friend Gina that followed to college from High School." There was a pause on the other end of the phone, then the daughter says in a disappointed voice "Not so well dad, not so well. You see Gina is always hanging out and partying all night. She doesn't work so she is always borrowing money from people and worst of all, she is partying so much that her grades are suffering. Last I heard, she only had a 2.0 GPA"

"Well that's too bad" the father exclaims, "But I've got an idea that might help her out. Why don't you go to the dean and see if he will allow you to share your GPA with Gina? You could give her 1 point and then you would both have a 3.0. You could also give her a small percentage of your paycheck every week and she would never be broke! How does that sound?"

The daughter responds with disgust "Absolutely not!! I've busted my ass and made sacrifices to get where I am today. I refuse to share my success with anyone that isn't willing to work!"

The father laughs and says "Welcome to the republican party my dear"

Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:31:36 PM EST
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:38:35 PM EST
One morning, at the breakfast table, a boy asked his father the difference between theory and reality.

The father asked his teenage daughter if she would sleep with the college boy next door for a million dollars. Without hesitation, she said yes.
Next, he asked his wife if she would sleep with her trainer at the gym for a million dollars. After a minute, she said she would.

The father turns to the son and and says, "See son, in theory we're millionaires. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:40:13 PM EST

Originally Posted By Hellboy:
One morning, at the breakfast table, a boy asked his father the difference between theory and reality.

The father asked his teenage daughter if she would sleep with the college boy next door for a million dollars. Without hesitation, she said yes.
Next, he asked his wife if she would sleep with her trainer at the gym for a million dollars. After a minute, she said she would.

The father turns to the son and and says, "See son, in theory we're millionaires. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."





Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:42:31 PM EST
what's the best part about banging a chick with a fat pussy??

Wh­en your done it looks like a honey-glazed doughnut!!
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:45:04 PM EST
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:46:18 PM EST
THE " F" WORD:
When is Fuck Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F"
word has been considered
acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


10. "What the fuck was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945


9. "Where the fuck did all those Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877


8. "Fuck, any idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938


7. "It does so fucking look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926


6. "How the fuck did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566


4. "Where the fuck are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered fuckin showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1999


and a drum roll............! .....


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad."

-- Sadaam Hussein
Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:53:46 PM EST
A guy walks into a bar, infuriated, he pounds his fist on the bar and asks for seven shots of whiskey. The bar tender looks at him and says, "seven shots of whiskey? What the matter buddy, you having some problems?"

The guy says, "yeah, I just found out that my oldest son is a homosexual."

Next day, the same guy walks into the same bar, pounds his fist on the bar and says, "Bartender, give me seven shots of whiskey."

The bar tender replies, "seven shots of whiskey? What's the matter? Are you having MORE problems?"

The guy says, "yeah, I just found out that my YOUNGEST son is a homosexual."

3rd day the same guy walks into the same bar, this time outrageously angry, pounds BOTH fists on the bar and states, "bar tender, give me FOURTEEN shots of whiskey."

The bar tender shakes his head and asks, "damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?"

"Yeah...my wife."

Link Posted: 10/8/2004 12:56:40 PM EST

Somebody make me laugh!

pull your pants down
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