These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...
1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?
2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.
3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.
5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.
6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.
8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.
9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.
10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.
12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admin your completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.
16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.
Working tech support sucks.
If it wasn't just so easy to do.
Its meant as a joke but it is actualy 75% acurate.
Thankfully, I spend most of my time working with IT folks directly, and rarely have to deal with the end users. But when I DID have to deal with Susy Homemaker and her busted Presario back in the day, I can remember having many of the same feelings.
Here's one that that still puzzles me: Why do people I encounter outside of work insist on going out of their way to belittle themselves when they find out what I do for a living? Do they really think I'm going to put them down for not being a geek, or something?
THEM: So, what do you do for a living?
ME: I'm a Network Engineer for a ...
THEM: Man, I'm a total dipshit when it comes to computers! I don't know anything! I can barely turn the damn thing on! I'm a total fuckin' moronic dumb asswipe loser fuck who,,,
ME: Dude! Stop! I get it! Get a hold of yourself!
Do any of you other computer guys notice this?
Hey, we owe it to them to cut them a break. Poor bastards live in India.
This is why I love working for an online university we will never outsource to india, they would lose 75% to 90% of their students.
Most are just working slobs (like me) that has their employer paying for the classes.
It's so they can completely absolve themselves of any personal responsibility when it comes to learning how to use their equipment. It's generally followed by a stupid fucking question, but that's OK, they just told you they were dumb, right?!
Not bad!!! This thread is going to be good.
Let me tell you, i think the computer boom is overall a GOOD thing for the country but man, what really pisses me off is how many COMPLETELY ignorant people start acting like they are COMPUTER GODS when they figure out how to perform some outrageously simple operation with their machine.
Whats worse is that this is actually happening in IT at my workplace. Back in the day it used to be that everyone in IT was a big time computer geek that TRULY knew their shit, and actually enjoyed working on computers. In recent years it has become a viable proffession with courses offered in community colleges. Apparently a lot of these courses amount to instructions on how to use windows and thats it. For example we have this african immigrant working with us at work who is studying to work in IT. He is maybe two quarters from completing his program, the man DOES NOT OWN A COMPUTER and has no friggin idea how to do anything that doesnt involve the windows controll panel. I think that in a hundred years computer experts are going to be like high priests sitting in giant towers sending out their acolytes to work their black magic to fix the computers of the masses.
I don't think that there has ever been a situation in history where people have had technology in their homes that they didnt even have the slightest incling of how to operate.
Here is some of my better ones I came up with.
First I got your name, where your work and live, SSN and CC#, I see what you have watched, I can even see your email.
If your DR whatever, and act like an idiot Im going to go out of my way to cause problems,
If you need this now you school, well your fucked now, Im going to make sure someone has to come out, in the worst timeslot I can find.
Oh wait you cant make that appoitment because you got football, well I got one 3 weeks from now, anytime after 1pm.
I dont care who you work for or what you do, I'll probaly try to make it worse on you if I dont like the job.
Oh well since your system is screwed up and its not our problem your going to call your son who went to whatever the hell university.....Well Im going to remember to mess with your stuff later for that, I'll do it a few times, make you wonder why your email all goes away in 2 weeks. Oh and I hope your son can figure out how to type his last name because you cant.
If miss soccermom calls yelling because she cant get the Oprah network or something, your also high up on my shitlist, you might have your husbands balls, but I control acess to that TV you think is the center of life.
The round plus does not fit in the square hole, GET IT!!!! no you dont, well I blame your parents for not tieing a rock to you and throwing you in the river. Its sad that you probaly work, drive and even vote...
By the way, since I have to deal with examples that humanity needs to end sall day (and your just another one) I really hate my life so Im going to pass it on.
Learn English and speak it!!!
I have some more Id have to remember.
Amen, brother! And it is where I work.
You need to see some of the failures of humanity I work with here.
People who dont know what windws is, how to use a phone, or what part of the globe Argentenia is on.
Of all of them my biggest problem is with the non-english liviing in America customers.
I cant understand them and they can not understand me.
So it takes 10X longer to repair their issue.
The company will offer something stupid like a 10% pay increase to employees
with foreign language skills to handle "International callers".
Non-English speaking customers should be charges as they are costing the company loads in expenses and multi-language communications.
[Samuel Jackson]"English Mother Fucker! Do you speak it?!?"[/Samuel Jackson]
You can you know, there are a number of places in the UK that will do email to fax on a free basis, rather nice of them I thought. They do this becuase a lot of our MP's (politicians) either can't or wont accept emails (bloody luddites).
My personal favourite, not tech support but rather a development/client meeting.
"If I keep hitting the return key for five minutes straight windows crashes to a General Protection Fault fix it."
I think my preferred response of smashing all her fingers with a mallet so she had to use one of those forhead dibber things wasn't really appreciated.
Now that is a mental picture I'll be laughing about for a while.
I have broken alot of things dealing with people, and gotten so pissed my nose has started bleeding on me, I just wonder what my blood pressure had to be.
My hope was if I stoke out and die from it, that it woukd happen at work
We didnt send people out, sometimes you will have to, you will be surpirsed how many people cannot program a remote.
What helps me is to remind myself that if people could fix their own problems, I'd be out of a job.
What bothers me is that these examples of legendary ignorance have jobs.
If you cant spell your last name or figure out round plug, goes in round hole, what kind of place would ever employ someone like that.
my favorite type of person to work with is the ones that got a position that now utilizes computers and they want ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with it. So if they can't redily figure something out they call you and bitch because its "broken" and needs to be fixed right freakin now! And when you do your little training session with them the help them out they don't give a flying crap and will just be calling you again withing the next week for the same fuckin issue.
IE.. I don't have that little menu thing that was at the top of my screen yesterday, i didn't do anything but come in this morning and log on. "How about you open the fuckin program up that you were running in yesterday, then you will have your little menue thingie!" O' there it is, nevermind i found it, thank you for your 20 minutes of deciphering my cryptic messages about my problem.
"If stupidity was painfull the world would be a better place"
i've got tons of crap i could post about being a frustrated tech, but i'll save that for another day.
whats the stupidest tech call one of you has had?
If any OS functioned 100% their would be no need for upgrades and new OS.
They will never release a complete and flawless OS.
It simply is not in their best interest which is to sell new and different software and the required software to make said software function on your PC.
Well other then it has to be on?
One of the personal favorites was people who falied to grasp why their cable service was down during the middle of the hurricane, or why the TV wont work then the power is out.
Can I access my dial up while I'm speaking with you guys. After all, you are my tech support right?
Hmmm...when I was a service tech for a small systems integrator, I had a customer who had some important files saved on a floppy and she was having trouble opening them. I went out to see what I could do, and found that the floppy was physically defective, and that there was nothing I could do. She said - and I'm not kidding - "I'm sorry, but that's unacceptable". As if that statement alone would somehow resurect her damaged floppy. Unblieveable.
Other than that, I've charged 1 hour minimums ($150/hr) on numerous occasions for plugging something in, or resetting a breaker on a power strip.
I'd say it's more than 75% accurate. I am "lucky" enough to do TS here is PA... Some days the word "computer" makes me want to puke.
Who can keep tract of the stupid calls. Some of my favorites:
alleged Computer Science professor: I'm still getting email from my old ISP in Outlook. They told me they were going to let me keep my account open for a couple of motnhs to make my changeover.
me: Sir, if you are still recieving email on their server, Outlook will continue to pull email onto your computer unless you change the settings.
acsp: That doesn't make any sense. I've been a Computer Science professor for 18 years, and I never heard anything like that before. If my account is cancelled, how can I still recieve email?
me: Sir, didn't you just tell me that your old ISP was keeping your inbox open?
acsp: Yes, but that doesn't explain why I am still getting mail in Outlook.
me: Sir, until you cancel the email account or change your settings in Outlook, you will continue to get mail from that account.
acsp: Can I speak to your supervisor?
me: I am a supervisor sir.
acsp: You don't know what you are talking about.(hangs up)
Dumbass housewife: I can't get email in Outlook on one of my computers. Something is wrong with your system.
me: How many computers do you have networked?
me: Can you access your email on them?
me: On the computer that you are having issues with, are you able to access your email from the Bellsouth.net homepage?
me: It sounds like the problem is with Outlook. (Spends 15 minutes trying to unfuck anything that can be fixed in Outlook, program is fucked.)
me: Ma'am, at this point there is nothing else that I can do, I would recommend that you contact your computer's manufacturer, Microsoft, or a repair shop for further assistance with this issue.
dh: I don't think that is right.
me: Ma'am, for me to do anything more indepth would make me liable for anything else that goes wrong with your computer. It would also violate legal agreements between Bellsouth and Microsoft, causing Bellsouth to be sued and me to lose my job.
dh: What am I paying you people for then?
me: You are paying us for internet service, email, and support with these services and the provided hardware in the event that there is a failure with our equipment, or another interuption in service. Unfortunatly, we are neither trained nor equipped to fix software problems not provided by Bellsouth.
dh: I don't think that is right.(hangs up, files complaint that I do not know what I am talking about.)
You computer tech guys are dealing with things we in the telcos have been handling for YEARS....stupidity is not a new phenomenon But I'll play along since (for some dumbdamnreason) I get to "assist" people when they connect to the internet.
me: What type of computer do you have?
customer: It's uh...... Packard Bell. My son gave it to me. [dangerwillrogersdanger]
me: Ma'am we may have a bit of trouble with this, but we'll try.
me: Is this computer about 10 years old?
customer: I'm not sure, I don't think so, I just got it from my son.
me: Okay. Have you turned it on?
customer: No, aren't you going to come out and do that for me?
It went down hill at the speed of sound from there
Next best one...
I took a trouble report....."No dial tone"
me: Hi, are you having trouble with your phone?
cust: Ya, my computer says no dial tone when I try to connect.
me: Are you able to call out with a telephone.
cust: Yes, [snottyreply] How do you think I reported it?[/snottyreply]
me: Very good, is the line cord plugged into your computer?
cust: Yes, I think so, it should be, let me check.
me: waiting....getting older....dumb dee dumb dee dumb.....
me: yes I'm here
cust: We moved the computer & didn't move the cord.
me: Okay, I'll be out in a few minutes. Remember we have an $85 minimum for premise visits on customers caused troubles [click]
Just once I'd like to see their face when I pull that one on them
Sorry Wrong here. The VCR beat the computer by ten years.
Anybody have that dialogue betwen the guy in the firefight with the jammed rifle and tech support? Classic!
I had a manager at a bank i supported call me up and litterally scream every vulgar word you could think of at me because of a fiber seeking backhoe took out our fiber connection to his office. I had my supervisor standing right next to me in the server room when i recieved the call and just put it on speaker phone after the inital shock wore off that this ass clown is actually bitch and cussing out the only person who is going to help him. My supervisor look at me like WTF just happened, after i filled him he he took it to the president of the bank and the manager no longer had a job. I laughed about that one for a long time because i finally got some justice in the name of technicians everywere!!!
I like what i do alot, i just hate all the ingrates that try to take their anger out on me when i'm here to help. Do people go to the doctor and cuss at him because they broke their leg and it has to be in a cast? Same principle, people just get away with being jackasses to much and need to learn a lesson, in my own opinion. But that will never happen because in escence we are the companies PR department also and if we do something that doesn't reflect well, the company suffers.
I agree stupidity isn't a new phenomenon, but its breeding habits do seemed to have increased.
For the love of [insert deity], please tell me
how I can avoid first level support. I get sick
of having people tell me to "move the mouse
to the Start menu"...JUST TELL ME WHAT
YOU WANT ME TO LOOK AT.
It takes 20 minutes for them to find out that,
yes, my computer is on and, yes, my IP address
is fine. Then they ship me off to 2nd level support
where I usually get disconnected during the
I had to make four calls to Aldephia to find out
why my cable connection dropped every night
at 9pm and again at 10pm. After telling me
everything from a bad cable modem to rain water
in the junction box , they finally sent out
a tech. Dude was wicked cool - turns out they were
fucking around with the router that my condo assoc
was on. The tech was pissed because "they never
tell us anything because NetOps are all arrogant
Level One is to weed out the idiots that didn't know all PCs come with built in internet access and never thought they had to buy it.
There are more than you could ever imagine.
You are a minority in the Tech Support world.
Read the damn owner's manual.
I feel you man.
I did tech supt for a year. If a caller had a phd, multidisciplined engineer, dual masters, etc. I guarantee that I would have to spell the Webex website name to them at least four times before they could type it into their browser correctly. Sometimes six. One brainiac professor had to have an intern type the address into the browser so I could run their PC and fix their drivers.
And a language barrier had no bearing on this.
Webex was a savior. I just ran the PC, they sat back, and I didn't have to tell them to do anything technical.
And, these were highly educated callers. If I had to deal with joe average lower 50% of society, I would have scheduled an electrical fire......................
Yea, occasionally phrase PEBKAC will be used in notes... (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
I work in an office for a financial advisor. I spend half of my life on hold.
Tech support guys are some of the rudest motherfuckers I've ever had to deal with.
And that's all I have to say about that.
I love it when they admit they dont know crap. That way I can save the whole its your fault explanation. They already assume its their fault, even if it isnt. I love those end users.
Its the calls that start with this. "Yeah I am an IT guy for my ....blah blah blah." Or I am a programmer and I ... blah blah blah" Anyone who calls tech support and claims to be an IT professional is a friggin A-hole. They think they know what the hell they are doing but dont know crap. They may have read an article in some magazine somewhere once and are tryingt o apply a concept that has no bearing to the call. IE Comcast Customer. Yeah what are the speeds? --Up to 3mb, no no dammit, what are the MIPS?" Just hang up on the dumbass. He was reading about processor performance and Mips used as a rating for performance. He thinks it applies to Internet speeds somehow. But dont tell thim that, he is "an IT professional"
I swear whenever th call starts with " I know computers" or "I am IT" I am ready to release the call. Its always some lying dumbass who totally frigged up his system doing shit he has no business doing.
Ask them EXACTLY what they did, they lie. Its easy to tell because some things have to be manulally configures to end up in certain ways. I tell them, "dont worry, I dont care what you did or tried, just tel me EXACTLY what you did so I can undo it and get your system up and running again" They always say, "I didnt do anything, it just started doing that all on its own"
Go here for some tech fun. Listen to the crap we have to deal with. Download and listen to some of the calls.