An elderly Floridian called 911 on  her cell phone to report that her
car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as  she explains her situation
to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the  steering wheel, the
brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The  dispatcher said, "Stay
calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the  officer
radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by  mistake"
_______________________________________
FAMILY

Three  sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the
96 year old  draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters,  "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
old
yells back, "I don't  know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
stairs
and pauses "Was I going up  the stairs or down?"  The 92 year old is
sitting at the kitchen table  having tea listening to her sisters. She
shakes her head and says, "I sure hope  I never get that forgetful,
knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and  help both of you as soon
as I
see who's at the  door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST  FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one  fine
March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second  man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have
a beer."
_______________________________________
SUPERSEX

A little  old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As
she walked, she  would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."
She walked up to an  elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at
him,
she said, "Supersex." He  sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll take the  soup."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE

An older  couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife  was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said:
"You used to hold my hand  when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second  and tried to get back to sleep. A
few
moments later she said: "Then you used to  kiss me. "Mildly irritated,
he
reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and  settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to  bite my neck."
Angrily,
he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where  are you
going?"
she asked.
"To get my  teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT  CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement  home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can  guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"  An elderly  
gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and  says,
"Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD  FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the  years,
they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One  day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't  get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time
..but I just can't  think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please  tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at
her. For at least three minutes  she just stared and glared at her.
Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to  know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

As a  senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he  heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just
heard on the news  that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate
77.
Please be careful!"  "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of  them!"
_______________________________________
DRIVING

Two elderly  women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see
over the  dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The  stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger  seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went  through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another  intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The  woman in the passenger seat was
almost
sure that the light had been red but was  really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next  intersection, sure
enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she  turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran  through three
red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred  turned to her
and
said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Since Clinton moved to NY, he began jogging. Each morning he'd pass a hooker who would yell "fifty bucks".
Clinton would yell back "five bucks".
Then one morning Hillary decides to jog with him. As they approach the hooker she yells "see what you get for five bucks?"

Good stuff.

did you realize that all of your jokes were about old people?

here is my favorite quick joke:
How do you save a fat chick from drowning?

Who cares

A man walked into a cafe and ordered his coffee without cream.  The waiter took the order, but returned a few minutes later:

"Sir, we are all out of cream.  Would you like your coffee without milk?"