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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 9/14/2005 9:33:23 AM EDT
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay
calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake"
_______________________________________
FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
stairs
and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She
shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
as I
see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have
a beer."
_______________________________________
SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at
him,
she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A
few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated,
he
reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily,
he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you
going?"
she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly
gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time
..but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at
her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate
77.
Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her
and
said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Link Posted: 9/14/2005 9:38:56 AM EDT
Since Clinton moved to NY, he began jogging. Each morning he'd pass a hooker who would yell "fifty bucks".
Clinton would yell back "five bucks".
Then one morning Hillary decides to jog with him. As they approach the hooker she yells "see what you get for five bucks?"
Link Posted: 9/14/2005 9:43:33 AM EDT
Good stuff.
Link Posted: 9/14/2005 9:51:32 AM EDT
did you realize that all of your jokes were about old people?

here is my favorite quick joke:
How do you save a fat chick from drowning?

Who cares
Link Posted: 9/14/2005 11:13:54 AM EDT
A man walked into a cafe and ordered his coffee without cream. The waiter took the order, but returned a few minutes later:

"Sir, we are all out of cream. Would you like your coffee without milk?"
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