Well, my day has been crap so far. A buddy of mine sent these to me and they did make me laugh. Hope everyone else is doing better than me, today. [:)]


Ken's last request...

Ken was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Promise to fulfill my last request, Cindy," he said.
"Of course, Ken," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Tim."
"But I thought you hated Tim," she said.
With his last breath, Ken said, "I do!"



Larry's bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she goes to bed with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"


The curse.....
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



The first man...

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be," she says. "Your face does look
familiar!"


Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. Do you want to hear my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, YES!"
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

LOL!


Why do women have babies?

Don't know, Why?

Do tell.

CHIM!!!

Are you going to tell us why women have babies or not?  It's been bugging me for hours.

Because it hurts, and they deserve it.

Sorry for the delay...I got swamped.  Can you believe the nerve of these people?  They actually expect me to work while I'm here.  Sheesh...I need a new place to go everyday and get paid.


Edited to add:  I'm not a misogynist, that was just the most offensive joke I could think of.

Join a union and you won't have that problem anymore.

[:D]

A lion walks into a bar and says, "Give me a drink."
  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve lions here."
  "Listen, buddy," Says the lion, "If you don't give me a drink, I'm going to eat that woman over there on that stool."
  "Sorry, I simply can't give you a drink."
  So the lion goes over to the woman and eats her.
  "NOW will you give me a drink?"
  "I already told you, no."  Said the bartender.
  "If you don't give me a drink, I'm going to eat YOU!"
  "I don't think so.  I think that you're going to fall asleep in a few seconds."
  "And why's that?"
  "That barbiturate."

---

A rabbi, a lawyer and a dog walk into the bar.  The rabbi says, "We'll each take a beer."
  The bartender says, "What is this. . .a joke?"

---

A mathamatician, a biologist and an engineer are eating lunch together at a small resturaunt.  They look across the street and notice two people walk into a store.  A few moments later three people walk out.
  The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
  The engineer says, "We must have miscalculated."
  The mathamatician says, "Now, if one person enters that store, it will be empty."

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch
and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol'lady reaches
over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch
and into the bushes.

The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his
wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was
that for Ma?"

She replies: "That's for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell
out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits
here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?"

He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

A bit of baseball trivia:

Who has the most career home runs?

Answer: Hank Aaron.

Who has struck out the most times in their career?

Answer: Hank Aaron.

Who's been hit in the face with balls the most times?
Answer: It's a tie between Rock Hudson and Liberace!

Eric The(BaDaBing!)Hun[>]:)]

The Man Who Lost His Hat

Walking home with a hangover one Sunday morning, a man
discovered he'd lost his hat. He decided the easiest
way to replace it was to go to church and steal one
from the cloakroom.

Once inside, he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After the sermon, he said to the minister, "I want you
to know that you saved me from crime. I came here to
steal a hat, but after hearing you, I decided not to."

"Wonderful," said the minister. "What did I say that
changed your mind?"

"Well," said the man, "when you got to the part about
committing adultery, I remembered where I left my hat."