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Posted: 10/31/2009 1:57:44 PM EST
I Don't have a freaking clue anymore, getting the big D and I just don't care if I ever date or marry again. What the heck do ya'll want anymore in a guy? I'm not ugly, yeah I could lose a few pounds, been working on that a while. I don't mess around ever, treated the wife dang good, don't hardly ever drink, do more then my share of the housework, most of the cooking [I like to cook] don't hang out with guys much, yeah I surf ARFcom some but usually between doing stuff around the house. Always been polite to her family tho they are libtards, always complemented her, tried to buy her gifts she liked. And BANG, after dealing with 5 or 6 years of menopause and biting my tongue a lot, she's not happy and wants out. Tired of women, tired of dealing with how they are anymore, tired of trying to figure out why they tick.

So what the heck makes women just "not be "happy" anymore? I know of very few guys who got divorced just because they were not always happy. What the heck is "happy" anyways to a woman?

I've already dealt with the emotions and am just going on to deal with the headaches of the actual divorce, even if she changed her mind, I can't trust her anymore and would still go thru with it myself.



Link Posted: 10/31/2009 2:45:17 PM EST
Dunno why she wasn't happy. We're not the Borg.

Seriously, I'm sorry. Divorce sucks, regardless of why, and more so if there wasn't anything you could do.

People change..Sometimes women, especially, get to a certain point in their lives when they realize they've spent decades living for other people, and realize they missed out on living for themselves..we tend to give everything we have and put ourselves last and at a certain point the WTF buzzer comes on and we realize we want some things out of life ourselves. Smart women can figure out how to do that and stay married. Others freak out and get divorced.

Fortunately, I was divorced for other reasons before I came to that realization and didn't have to deal with it. But it was a big deciding factor in staying single through my 30s.

It's also possible that menopause has her messed up, if she was sane up until recently.
Link Posted: 10/31/2009 3:09:11 PM EST
Originally Posted By Barbara:
Dunno why she wasn't happy. We're not the Borg.

Seriously, I'm sorry. Divorce sucks, regardless of why, and more so if there wasn't anything you could do.

People change..Sometimes women, especially, get to a certain point in their lives when they realize they've spent decades living for other people, and realize they missed out on living for themselves..we tend to give everything we have and put ourselves last and at a certain point the WTF buzzer comes on and we realize we want some things out of life ourselves. Smart women can figure out how to do that and stay married. Others freak out and get divorced.

Fortunately, I was divorced for other reasons before I came to that realization and didn't have to deal with it. But it was a big deciding factor in staying single through my 30s.

It's also possible that menopause has her messed up, if she was sane up until recently.


And here lies the twist, I have ALWAYS encouraged her to do things she liked and financially paid for them along with verbal support. I'm extremely low maintainance and she had plenty of times to do the things she wanted. I doubt she will have anywhere the time to do what she wants out on her own because the finances just are not going to be there. I don't know when she is going to figure that out though...................

Link Posted: 10/31/2009 3:14:07 PM EST
Yeah, I dunno, honestly. Good luck..divorce really does suck.
Link Posted: 10/31/2009 3:14:35 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/31/2009 8:07:23 PM EST by ARctangent]
Wow!!!!
You sound a LOT like me before my divorce.
I delayed my divorce for a couple of years while (financially/health insurance) helping my ex get through and recover from some medical problems.
Big mistake...boy was I gullible.
Don't make my mistake trying to be the nice guy.
The old clichés about, "nice guys finishing last" and, "no good deed ever goes unpunished" really hold true...which I learned the hard way.

My advice?
Read these books:
"Divorce War! (50 strategies every woman needs to know to win)" ISBN #1-55850-600-4
"Your Divorce Advisor" ISBN #0-684-87068-1

The above mentioned books are designed specifically to train women how to dissect and destroy their ex-husbands in divorce court.
Reading them will take you a long way in understanding/anticipating just how she will attack you...and there is nothing wrong with you using the same strategies.

Also:
"Fathers' Rights" ISBN #0-465-02362-2
Really good book written by a top-notch child-custody attorney.

Best of luck!

Edited to add:

Yeah, I pulled my hair out for a while trying to figure out what they wanted too...
Its YOUR life...don't bother worrying yourself about what they want...worry about what YOU want and go about attaining the goals you set for yourself.
Trust me...you're headed down a long, lonely, and incredibly painful road.
Best to get it over with and be free to become the person you want to be.
The single existence might seem lonely at first but eventually you'll learn to LOVE the freedom and independence that it brings not having to live under somebody's thumb all the time.
Hell, I would have NEVER been able to own the guns I do now if I was still married.
Not to mention the idea of taking the time to go hunting and fishing with my kids and attending shooting training classes/workshops and such.
Or just little spontaneous things like taking my kids to the movies, shopping or swimming.
Link Posted: 10/31/2009 5:36:39 PM EST
We can only tell you what we want. What we want is not relevant to what your wife did not want.
Stuff happens, people change, don't really know what else to tell you than sorry to hear about your divorce and all this that you have to sort through.
Link Posted: 11/1/2009 4:26:57 AM EST
Intimacy. Have that and the rest will come easy. Been told that by a few women again and again.
Link Posted: 11/1/2009 5:12:55 AM EST
Originally Posted By jimtash9:
Intimacy. Have that and the rest will come easy. Been told that by a few women again and again.


This.

Emotional intimacy is created through a series of deliberate actions on your part, and very easily destroyed by actions or lack thereof.

The issues you described are typical marriage issues which can usually be solved through counseling and other means. There is always more to the story than you were "just a nice guy" and "did everything she wanted." Truthfully, most women are unable to say what they want because they can't reduce it down to their core emotional need for emotional intimacy.

If there was an issue of trust being broken time and again, however, things can change. Perhaps your attention and priorities were different than you think - putting too much emphasis on work, looking at other women, not pulling your weight in ways that spoke to her.

A few good resources that can be helpful:

The Five Love Languages
Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage
Myers-Briggs Personality Assessment (an accurate knock-off can be taken for free at mypersonality.info )
A GOOD marriage counselor
Love & Respect

Through those resources, I'm sure you can narrow down what the root cause of the issue is. Perhaps there was infidelity on one or both of your parts, emotional or physical. Perhaps she is having a personal growth period and she feels a loss of purpose or direction.

Regardless of whether you stay married, figure out what the root cause is now so you are able to heal for YOU so you can be the best you possible. She may or may not come around, and you may or may not want to save your marriage. Either way, you're stuck with yourself at the end of all this and getting some support is always a good idea.

Link Posted: 11/1/2009 7:30:18 AM EST
[Last Edit: 11/1/2009 8:21:28 AM EST by jimtash9]
Originally Posted By Brittany:
Originally Posted By jimtash9:
Intimacy. Have that and the rest will come easy. Been told that by a few women again and again.


This.

Emotional intimacy is created through a series of deliberate actions on your part, and very easily destroyed by actions or lack thereof.



Same applies to a woman. Leave the ego at the door and intimacy will be there. Learn to communicate and forget this notion that men automatically know what's going on in your heads. Make it seem as if nothing is never good enough and don't reciprocate or even worse criticize and compare, no man will ever be able to provide enough intimacy no matter how hard he tries. And he will soon give up.

I'm not saying men or women are strictly at fault for these types of situations, OK? It's my POV and from a male perspective. The mere fact that things like this happen is indicative of a break down in communication somewhere along the line and both need to work at it. And that's even if there's even a willingness there to even do that. Relationships aren't cakewalks nor easy and that's where a lot of this shit stems from. Lots out there that get into them for all the wrong reasons and by standards that are measured not in terms of long term compatibility but short term chemistry. Personally I think that egos are more to blame for relationships falling apart more than anything else. It's an outcome of the "me" thinking present in society today and if you want partnerships to succeed it needs to be replaced with "we" or "us" instead. That entails the fragility of one's ego to take a back seat sometimes and to think about what part it plays in how others perceive us. A shitload of respect and placing your partner above your own whims helps out as well.
Link Posted: 11/1/2009 6:10:25 PM EST
Oh, I completely agree. I was just answering the one-sided question of what does a woman look for in a man.

It is still a two way street. :)
Link Posted: 11/1/2009 7:12:28 PM EST
Originally Posted By fxntime:

... I just don't care if I ever date or marry again.
What the heck do ya'll want...

... tired of trying to figure out why...
What the heck is "happy" anyways to a woman?



Mixed messages?
Link Posted: 11/1/2009 9:02:00 PM EST
[Last Edit: 11/1/2009 9:02:19 PM EST by ARctangent]
Originally Posted By GoGop:
Originally Posted By fxntime:

... I just don't care if I ever date or marry again.
What the heck do ya'll want...

... tired of trying to figure out why...
What the heck is "happy" anyways to a woman?



Mixed messages?


Meh...just got the big D-bomb dropped on him; shock probably hasn't worn off yet.
I remember those days, wasn't thinking straight for a while either...he'll get over it.
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